This isn’t the first time I’ve implored this of you, President Trump, but it is the first time I’ve asked you as president and not as president-elect. It’s too late this year, as Bread and Butter were pardoned Tuesday, but next year, you can make a difference.
You can help make us the great nation we were destined to be. You can dispense with the stupid birds with luxury accommodations and start a new tradition, of feeding the hungry rather than feeding a fox or coyote on the farm where pardoned turkeys go to end their days.
The time is now, and you’re just the president to do it. Stop the tradition of pardoning the presidential Thanksgiving turkeys and instead cook them and feed them to the homeless. It’s the only way.
We get it, you’ve been unconventional on criminal justice reform. You’ve worked with Kim Kardashian West on some high-profile cases that have resulted in people being set free. You’re an unconventional president.
That’s exactly why you must remain unconventional with the turkeys. They’ll never see it coming, though that’s mostly because they’re stupid birds. Also, they’re not actually guilty of anything, other than being potentially delicious, so it’s not like you can really pardon them anyway.
I mean, they’re birds. And while pardons are cute, at least to people who enjoy waste, turkeys aren’t subject to the U.S. legal system. Is this argument overly process-oriented and legalistic? Sure, but that’s all the rage right now, although don’t go too far with that or some scholar will figure out a way to accuse Bread or Butter of violating the Logan Act.
More than that, though, we’re talking about food. They’re not cuddly pets providing companionship and stress relief, nor are they wild mustangs roaming the plains. They’re not useful for home protection or dealing with rodents. They serve no noble purpose, and when converted to “bacon,” they can serve rather ignoble ones.
As you mentioned during the speech that culminated in pardoning Bread and Butter, Democrats have accused you of being soft on turkeys. Well, even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and again. Your critics are correct; you are soft on turkeys.
In 2020, you have a chance to change that, to rule with an iron roasting pan. You have the opportunity to serve your constituents, literally, rather than continuing a senseless tradition in which two perfectly good meals get sent to a farm to spend their days pointlessly wandering around, not being food.
Forget the presidential pardon and bring on the presidential picnic. Cook up the birds and feed the people. Heck, get even more turkeys to not pardon. Get a whole flock of turkeys, don’t pardon them, and host more people than you could with just two. It’s what Thanksgiving is all about, coming together and sharing the bounty, not about photo ops and leaving a giant mess for the hotel cleaning staff.
You can do it, Mr. President. Stop pardoning the turkeys. Fry them instead.