“Avengers: End Game” drops this weekend and it’s about time, because we need some answers from the Marvel Universe. No, not about how they’ll get the gang back together (since that’s presumably the entire plot of the movie).
The Avengers series raises far deeper questions, questions that cut to the essence of human nature, and “Endgame” is the last chance for America to get the answers we deserve. Sadly, we don’t get the sense that Marvel is going to do right by any of us and address these completely ridiculous plot points, so let’s run through the most egregious and unbelievable moments of the MCU.
1. Jane Foster (or Anyone) Dumping Thor
This is absolutely the most ridiculous and unbelievable moment in the entire MCU. Sorry, but have you seen Thor? He is 6 feet and 3 inches of sculpted muscle topped off with baby blue eye—basically the living version of Michaelangelo’s David brought forth from the 16th century. This guy is a hot god-king who may or may not be immortal, so there’s really no question that he’s a winner.
But here’s Thor’s romantic history: dumped by Jane Foster, single for a while, and maybe kind of has a thing for Valkyrie by the end of “Ragnarok.” Sure, it’s fun to give Thor a new love interest, and Valkyrie is no slouch herself. But there is literally no scenario where anyone breaks up with real-life Chris Hemsworth, much less the God of Thunder. Whoever wrote this storyline is A) crazy and B) clearly a straight man.
2. Wakanda’s Economy
We already know that Wakanda is a walled Trumpian dreamworld, but we are still waiting on a real explanation for Wakanda’s thriving economy. Sure, it’s a great story (who doesn’t love the idea of a secret, wealthy African country pursuing scientific innovations the rest of the world can only dream of?), but the numbers don’t add up, even if Wakanda is sitting on a pile of magical vibranium.
One of the largest economic drivers for a natural resources-based economy is international trade (we’re looking at you, Trump White House). Wakanda could perhaps be self-sufficient without trade, producing enough food and other necessities internally to sustain the population, but natural resources are not enough to create a thriving economy on their own.
Besides, if you believe that an isolationist and secretive country led by a hereditary monarchy is at all likely to be the most egalitarian and technologically advanced nation in the world, then you might actually be Kim Jong Un.
3. Black Widow and Hawkeye Still Being Alive
Let’s all just agree that Black Widow is fantastic and one of the most compelling female characters in the Marvel Universe. She’s a lethal spy with nerves of steel and some serious skills in combat. But in the end, she’s a human being without superpowers or a fancy suit, fighting aliens and demi-gods. How in the heck has she survived for this long?
And then there’s Hawkeye. It is absolutely insane that Hawkeye only uses that stupid bow and, even crazier, that he seems to only ever have like four arrows. We get it, you’re a great shot. That sharp vision and hand-eye coordination would be even better behind a firearm, particularly against the aforementioned aliens and demi-gods.
Also, how come Tony Stark isn’t helping with this situation? The guy built a miniature reactor from some scrap metal in a cave, but he can’t even make Hawkeye some boomerang arrows or something? Black Widow could probably just use some of the cool things from Spiderman’s suit; Stark wouldn’t even have to invent anything new. Be a part of the solution, Tony!
Okay, lemme get this straight: this guy is a supercomputer created by Tony Stark and Bruce Banner who now has a body because they put an infinity stone in his forehead? The Mind Stone can apparently create sentient beings like Ultron because, fine, that’s the plot. And we’re fine with accepting that Vision is AI on steroids, because we’ve been hearing him talk to Tony Stark over the intercom for three movies already.
But now you want us to accept that he’s suddenly a flying robot with weird reddish skin? And—no offense to Paul Bettany—if a supercomputer could magically create a human form out of thin air, I think we can all agree it would look more like one of the Chrises instead of a lobster-colored British dude. Now that Vision is dead it would be great if Marvel could explain why he was ever alive.
5. Hulk’s Magic Pants
We know, we know, they’re supposedly magic stretch fabric that he picked up from Mr. Fantastic and wears all the time. But then convince us why shy Bruce Banner wouldn’t also make himself a magic stretch fabric shirt?
6. Captain Marvel’s ‘Emotions’ and Powers
Please, Marvel, give us the explanation we deserve about Captain Marvel and her powers. Apparently, expressing her emotions was the key to unlocking her full potential. But what emotions are those, exactly?
For the entire film, Captain Marvel was an emotionless, butt-kicking soldier with a cell phone on her arm. If the MCU wants to showcase a powerful woman to prove how woke they are, it would be great to have one with a more emotional story arc than Groot.
Captain Marvel is pretty cool (h/t the tesseract), but it has nothing to do with her feelings. Here’s a better idea: focus on resiliency. We’re more interested in the drive that makes human fighter pilot Carol Danvers get back up after she’s been knocked down.
7. Why Aren’t More Avengers Hooking Up?
This is the most unbelievable omission in every Marvel movie. Once again: have you seen Thor? And it’s not just him. One hundred percent of Avengers are hot. Every single one is a swipe right. How is it possible that they’ve mostly maintained platonic, professional relationships? You’re asking us to believe that Falcon isn’t texting Black Widow “r u up”?
Maria Hill isn’t casually brushing up against Captain America at after-work happy hours? We all know what happens at the Olympic villages when you put hundreds of athletic, attractive young men and women in close proximity and throw in some adrenaline.
We’re on board with aliens, rainbow bridges, wizards, and demi-gods, but this is a step too far. We can’t suspend our disbelief about the Avengers’ disinterest in each other.
It’s clear the American people deserve answers. Marvel, we hope you do the right thing and give us the closure we deserve in “Avengers: Endgame”!