Even though Kourtney Kardashian is the oldest sibling of America’s most famous family, she’s finally following her sisters’ entrepreneurial footsteps. Poosh, her just-launched lifestyle website, is such a brazen copy of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop, Kourtney even cribbed the double o’s from her fearless predecessor. (“I was told that all big internet companies had two O’s in their title,” Gwyneth says.)
If Poosh turns out to be as Goopy as it aspires to be, expect a whole lot of hilariously unattainable solutions to everyday problems, bizarre product recommendations, and extremely dubious health advice. There was plenty of material to mock already on Day One. Remember, Poosh is “a place of discovery.”
1. Use Candles to Mask Your Cellulite
In a post titled, “How to Look Good Naked,” which is questionably under the category “Soul,” Kourtney says one way to look good in your birthday suit is to find the right lighting. “Great lighting can do wonders for masking cellulite (yes, we all have it), and harsh lighting can do just the opposite,” she writes. She also recommends drinking water and having good posture as ways to look good and feel confident. Revolutionary!
2. Lay On a $1,600 Infrared Amethyst Mat to Relax
A small price to pay for “added enjoyment and bliss” while losing yourself in a guided meditation.
3. It’s So Important to Use Clean, Non-toxic Products, But Not All the Time
One of Poosh’s focuses is health and wellness. “It’s all about choices, and if you opt for skin and hygiene products that are free of harmful chemicals, it leads to a cleaner and overall healthier way of living,” Kourtney writes. Every beauty post encourages readers to check their products with the Environmental Working Group’s database for ingredient concerns. There’s also a separate post dedicated to why it’s important to “recognize specific toxins that are red flags.” This all sounds very Goop-esque, until Kourt deviates from her own advice.
In a “Natural-ish” skincare and make-up routine she filmed for Vogue and wrote about on Poosh, Kourtney begins by lamenting that government beauty regulations have not been reformed in 80 years, saying she checks whether her products are “safe.” But when applying some of her make-up products later in the video, she admits she is scared to check the ingredients on her favorite concealer, presumably because if it’s “unsafe,” she wouldn’t be able use it.
“Mascara isn’t really going into your skin, so to me I choose — I don’t feel as guilty,” she explains when using a mascara brand that isn’t a clean beauty product. Then, to further confuse readers on her stance on natural beauty products, there is an additional entirely separate post on Poosh dedicated to recommending clean mascaras.
4. Improve Your Sleep With Organic Sheets
Having trouble getting some shut eye? Poosh says investing in your bedding is a great way to improve your sleep cycles.
“Non-natural threads contain harmful chemicals and pesticides which can result in allergic reactions and poor sleep cycles,” Poosh writes. “Moral of the story: Better sheets equals a better sleep.”
Sounds scientific. So what does Kourt put on her beds? Linens from Italy that don’t even list their prices online. It’s actually not even clear where a consumer could purchase the brand she recommends.
5. Make Sure to Pack Your Blood Cream
What is blood cream? Why is blood cream?
Apparently it’s “the latest skincare trend celebrities are swearing by. According to reports, blood cream is concocted by a German doctor who separates your plasma with a centrifuge, swirls it into a shea butter cream, and tells you to rub the delicious mixture on your skin—all for the affordable price of $1,400. Kourtney “ALWAYS” travels with it, so throw away your Cetaphil and help the doctor find a vein.
6. Make Over Your Bathroom By Buying Random Expensive Items
“Stocking your lavatory with pretty soap, soft scents, and a dash of greenery are only a few ways to add an elevated feel to the space,” Poosh writes.
Here are some of the bathroom products Kourtney recommends:
7. Slice Food and Put It On a Plate
Poosh shares a recipe for, “Kourt’s Signature Salad,” which entails directions for how to hardboil eggs, then seasoning the eggs, sliced tomatoes, avocado, and cheese with salt and pepper.
8. Buy Your Child a $200 Teepee
For the stylish, culturally appropriative kid in your life who needs a “a space of their own to read and be creative in.” Anything less than pima cotton just won’t do. If the teepee is simply too affordable for your offspring, consider this $500 cloud rocker Kourtney recommends.
9. Complete Your Child’s Room with a ‘Statement Centerpiece’
And consider organizing your children’s toys “in aesthetically-pleasing linen-lined baskets.”
10. Roll up Salad in a Damp Cloth
This may indeed have some practical value, but it sounds disgusting.
11. Explore the ‘Amazing Benefits of Floating’
To restore and refresh your senses, try floating therapy, and relax in an easily attainable pool of water from the Dead Sea.
12. Reduce Stress with This ‘Trendy herb’
“Adaptogens have been used for centuries in Chinese and Ayurvedic traditions as healing herbs. The non-toxic plants are said to help the body cope with physical and mental pressures,” Poosh writes, before recommending holy basil, pearl powder, Ashwagandha, and “some mushrooms,” including reishi. Happy snacking!
13. Serve Party Guests Dairy-Free Nachos
Don’t do this. It’s not right.
14. Bring Louis Vuitton Playing Cards and Hermès Soaps as Hostess Gifts
Do you want to get invited back? Then take Kourtney’s advice and bring your hostess gift to the “next level” by not showing up without a tastefully outfitted, reasonably priced $485 deck of cards. They make “the perfect companion for a nomadic lifestyle,” because there’s nothing a true nomad loves more than hosting parties at her mansions for people with money to blow on luxury playing cards. Except maybe designer soaps.