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If You Believe In America, You Want Tom Brady To Win The Super Bowl


Thirty-six to 15 was the final score. And, with it, the New England Patriots found themselves headed back to the Super Bowl. While it’s the franchise’s ninth appearance, it’s the seventh for quarterback Tom Brady.

He of 36 points against the Steelers in the conference championship; he of four Super Bowl rings; he who has thrice been named MVP of the contest. He who has dominated game after game, season after season, eviscerating foes like he’s playing Tecmo Bowl with a Game Genie.

Three-time MVP and four-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady is also married to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen. They have two children. Brady has another son with actress Bridget Moynahan. And in case those two things didn’t clue you in, the man has a way with his balls.

Brady’s Greatest Accomplishment Is Defeating Roger Goodell

So, he has the résumé, he has the pedigree, he has the portfolio. But none of these are his greatest accomplishment. No, Brady’s greatest accomplishment is in defeating a power-mad ginger, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Have I mentioned that Brady found himself and the Patriots heading to Super Bowl LI despite the machinations of the aforementioned power-mad ginger?

That’s right, Brady led the Patriots to a winning record and a league championship after starting the 2016 season with a ridiculous four game suspension.

You May Not Like The Patriots, But That Doesn’t Matter

During the long (and also ridiculous) investigations and hearings that led to Brady’s suspension, the NFL Players Association asked the power-mad commissioner to recuse himself. He declined and he got Brady suspended. But did he win? No. Far from it. Because here we are at Super Bowl LI, and Brady’s back on the field.

Look, you may not like the Patriots. As an erstwhile Titans fan, I get it. But sometimes reality walks up and smacks you in the face with a properly-inflated ball of truth. Accept that. After all, how many Super Bowl rings and MVP titles do you have?

Whether or not you like the Patriots, if you like the NFL, then Brady is divine intervention. No, he is divine retribution. He’s the bolt of Zeus here to assert himself over the false order the demigod Goodell sought to impose. So any lightning bolts in the Super Bowl will be the lace on the nightgown. It’s glorious, really.

Brady Isn’t The Hero We Deserve, But He’s The One We Need

We all know that Goodell would rather hand the trophy to Matt Ryan this year, regardless of how much he protests. Especially since he tends to protest by stifling dissent. Only he’s not very good at stifling dissent, much like he’s not good at, well, stifling dissenters. Area power-mad gingers aren’t known for underestimating themselves.

As to the commissioner and his imminent humiliation at Super Bowl LI, the man does have options that will mitigate that humiliation, albeit only slightly. He could simply choose not to attend the game, for example. There are a plethora of excuses out there waiting on him should he go that route.

There are also a plethora of options awaiting him should he outsource his duties. A really solid one would be to tap Joe Biden to attend in his staid and perform his duties because, admit it, that would be ridiculously awesome and a great moment for the nation. Biden could take the field in his Camaro, do a few donuts, and then power slide to a stop before jumping out, trophy in hand.

Alas, that is unlikely to happen. So we have to hope for second best—Tom Brady power sliding into the center of the field in his Camaro to accept the trophy for Super Bowl LI. Gisele would be riding shotgun. The kids, they’re of course standing alongside Goodell, forcing him to smile as they all wait on Mom and Dad to emerge, victorious.

If that thought doesn’t fill you with patriotic fervor, I don’t know what can be done for you. In the year of our Lord, two thousand and seventeen, it’s really the best. He’s not the hero we deserve, because look at that résumé again, but he’s definitely the one we need.

There’s A Chance The Falcons Could Surprise Us

Before Brady can deliver us unto greatness, though, the Patriots must actually win the Super Bowl. Doing so against the Atlanta Falcons isn’t going to be easy. In the playoffs, the Falcons have been running clinics, exposing their opponents’ weaknesses and exploiting them. They’ve broken some records, including Matt Ryan breaking his own record for most passing yards in a championship game.

He achieved that by throwing four touchdowns against the Green Bay Packers. For good measure, he ran for another touchdown. Granted, the Packers didn’t have their best defensive season ever. But what Ryan delivered was, in technical terms, a whuppin’ of epic proportions.

Now, though, Ryan has to deliver a similar whuppin’ not against the 22-rated defense in the NFL, as were the Packers, but against the eighth-ranked defense. For those keeping score, that’s 14 better than 22. It also holds special significance in the Kabbalah. According to its teachings, 14 is a mystic number that, when applied to football games in which your 22-ranked defense is playing against Tom Brady, suggests your team is about to get its ass whipped.

In Other Words, It’s Time to Make the Donuts

When all is said and done, Brady and Bündchen will emerge from the Camaro so Brady can accept his fifth trophy and MVP title. We as a nation will get to savor the moment as one savors a perfectly aged Chateau Lafite. America will have a new Super Bowl champion, and the captain at its helm shall be model citizen Tom Brady.

It will give us occasion to lift our heads high. After all, as we navigate the new waters this year has brought, we need new heroes. Those who rise above regardless of the situation; those who take the helm with confidence and without compunction and lift their eyes toward what is possible, not what is inevitable absent any effort.

For we shall see to it, in this year of our Lord two thousand and seventeen, that we still hold dominion over power-mad gingers and will not abide their attempts to rule the universe. They may seek to micromanage us to death with bureaucratic nonsense and vendettas, but, baby, we’re here to eviscerate all that. And in Tom Brady, we’ve got just the hero to help us do so.