In 2012, I wrote an article called “The War on Men” that subsequently went viral and landed me on “The View,” where I bantered about with guest host Mike Tyson. Crazy, I know.
The reason for the uproar was that in my article I had blamed women for the current state of gender relations. “Ever since the sexual revolution,” I wrote, “there’s been a profound overhaul in the way men and women interact. In a nutshell, women are angry. They’re also defensive, though often unknowingly, because they’ve been raised to think of men as the enemy.”
At the time I wrote it, I didn’t think of my words as all that provocative. After all, who can deny that modern women have been raised to be suspect of men? They’ve also been encouraged to exercise their “bitch” muscle, or to act more masculine, to prove their value to men and society. That may get you ahead at work, but at home it will land you in a ditch.
Be a Lady at Home and a Boss at Work
In “Going Places: How America’s Best and Brightest Got Started Down the Road of Life,” former Fox News anchor E.D. Hill talks of having been raised to do everything herself—even stereotypically male tasks, such as fixing cars and cleaning gutters. But this kind of fierce independence came at a price.
“There’s a downside to being so self-reliant,” writes Hill. “I found it very difficult to let anyone help me. And if they tried but couldn’t do it as well I could, I was disappointed. That often left me frustrated … I couldn’t stop myself from proving that I didn’t need [my husband] to do things for me. Needless to say, this ‘power struggle,’ along with other issues, put a big strain on our relationship, and he is now my ex.”
This “power struggle” Hill describes is precisely what I was referring to in my 2012 article. Women today are at war with the men in their lives, often unknowingly, because they’ve been taught to be like men: dominant, aggressive, and in charge.
But those traits don’t work as a wife. As a wife, it’s your femininity that’s gold. Women have a natural feminine energy that works wonders on men and marriage. Too many women give up on love before putting this power to use. And it’s just sitting there for the taking! Not using it is like flushing a million dollars down the toilet.
Masculine energy conquers. It likes to fix things. Feminine energy feels, nurtures, and intuits; and is thus the receiver of masculine energy. That is why men typically make the first move in a relationship and why the man asks the woman for her hand in marriage, rather than the other way around.
Think of male and female sex organs. Or think of a battery. One part is positive, and the other is negative. For the battery to work, both energies must be present.
Controlling Women Lose Big in Love
Women who can’t find their feminine never find love. That’s because no relationship can be successful when a woman is more dominant than the man. When a woman takes control, all hell breaks loose. It goes against nature, which never ends well.
But at the heart of a woman’s need for control is fear. Just last week, Madonna was asked in an interview if there will “ever be a time” when she lets go of control. Her answer, in effect, was no.
Then she adds, “Obviously, you could say it has to do with my childhood, if you’re going to psychoanalyze me: My mother dying and me not being told, and a sense of loss and betrayal and surprise. Then feeling out of control for the majority of my childhood, and becoming an artist and saying that I will control everything. No one will speak for me, no one will make decisions for me. You could say I’m a super control freak.”
Notice “a sense of loss and betrayal and surprise.” A woman in control will not lose, or be betrayed, or be surprised—she’s too busy managing everything to make sure that doesn’t happen. On the flip side, she will never know true love.
At the end of the day, I honestly believe what women struggle with is this: Can a woman be strong, yet still vulnerable and even take care of a husband? Can she be a wife and still maintain her own identity? Is it possible to be powerful outside the home, yet defer to a husband inside the home?
Yes, yes, and yes. But first you’ll have to let go. Of your desire to lead. Of your desire to be in control. And of your desire to have the last word.
Then you’ll need a new set of tools. Work is about making money or having power and influence. Marriage is about love. If you want to be successful in both arenas, you’ll need to be able to switch gears. You need to take off your “I’m in charge” hat and surrender to love at home. (This holds true whether you’re the boss at work or the boss of your kids.) The reason so many successful women are single or divorced is because they never mastered this delicate balance.
Believe me, I know this is hard to do. But if you want to get married and stay married, you have no choice. You have to stop driving the car and sit in the passenger seat instead. You have to find your feminine.