I love basically everything about Christmas, including the fact that we lie to children and get stoked about breaking and entering. Granted, Santa is a rather disturbed sort of burglar in that he dresses in really loud clothes and leaves stuff instead of taking it. At least, we assume he doesn’t take anything.
But what if he’s actually selling detailed info about our homes and families on the back-end, the way other companies do with our email addresses and phone numbers? What if the gifts are just a ruse to make us look the other way, and the financial value of the gifts a pittance in comparison for all the money he rakes in selling that info to super-criminals?
He knows when we are sleeping, he knows when we’re awake, and he knows who’s naughty and scheming. It’s the perfect crime.
Well, guess what, Jolly Old Elf? I’m done. If I catch you coming around my house, I’m gonna unleash a vicious squad on you and put an end to your nefarious schemes, once and for all.
Currently recruiting girls for my pack of murderesses. Only qualification is that you're vengeful & crazy af. Inquire within.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 28, 2016
We’re coming at you from all sides, homey.
I'm the shadow that growls. The one with a knife is my cousin.
— Trudacious (@Trudacious) December 5, 2016
No, it’s important that kid knows he’s got a habit to feed.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) December 2, 2016
Santa normally delivers switches and coal to bad children, but this will do in a pinch.
Follow me now for the chance to win an exclusive sandwich bag full of my ashes after I die.
— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) December 5, 2016
Now if Diamond Dave wants to come in, that’s a whole different story.
Goal: to be the David Lee Roth Of mall Santas.
— phone home (@summers_sonny) December 3, 2016
If he takes out Santa, he can release as many solo albums as he wants.
Year 2096: Cyborgs are 80% of the population. Keith Richards releases his third solo album.
— Nikka Bee (@_NikkaBee) December 2, 2016
If we stop the Jolly Red Menace, we can stop senseless tragedies like this.
It says here you have excellent people skil-[a single drop of oil runs down my cheek as my robotic hand crushes his throat], "I'm sorry."
— Piece (@Piecezilla) November 30, 2016
Or, and hear me out, you could just pretend to be mounted up there as you lie in wait.
I need one of those massages where they drain your body of all fluids and replace them with sawdust and then mount you above a hearth.
— Lars Frumperstall (@underalls) April 1, 2014
Let’s not get hasty on the trees.
Girl are you a Christmas tree? because you're dead on the inside, you're lit every night & I wanna throw you outta the house after a month.
— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) December 2, 2016
Shall I put on a red fur suit first?
Keep it fresh. Chase me through an orchard with a butcher knife. Push me into a canal.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) December 3, 2016
It would be so helpful with our quest.
I wish a fire drill was an actual tool.
— Boog (@BoogTweets) October 4, 2016
Only if we can throw them at a certain someone.
can someone please help me open this jar of spiders
— A Festive Raccoon (@BarbiturateCat) October 3, 2016
When Claus slips up during a team builder.
I LOVE OFFICE CULTURE
WE SHOULD TOUCH BASE
I WILL LOOP YOU IN
LET US CIRCLE BACK
I EAT BONES
WHAT DID I JUST SAY EVEN
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) December 6, 2016
This could be useful. Let’s chat.
My psychological disorder is cuter than yours.
— SHANtilly Claus (@theshantilly) December 7, 2016
I like the way you think. Once they’re empty, we can make Molotov Cocktails.
OK kids, help bring the groceries inside. Just don't touch any bottles in brown paper bags 'cause they are fragile like mommy's mental state
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) November 14, 2016
This girl gets it.
Hey girl, I like the way you've assembled your molotov cocktail 😉
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) November 22, 2016
No, no, no. This is highly advisable.
It's a nice night. Maybe we should do something ill-advised.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) December 7, 2016
Telling them that Santa is good is one of them.
Just using the day to casually reflect upon all the ways I've probably damaged my children psychologically.
— EricaTriesToTwinkle (@SteussieErica) December 3, 2016
Please tell me it’s because you weaponize them.
I can't be trusted with reindeer lawn ornaments.
— Candy Cane Shank (@sixfootcandy) November 30, 2015
First, you disorient using this tactic. Then, you go even bigger time.
APPARENTLY I LACK SUBTLETY
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) December 5, 2016
This is good, but can you do the same for cookies?
I prefer slow food to fast food, letting it simmer all day, meat wantonly dripping off the bone
the poison slowly seeping into the flesh
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) December 7, 2016
Questions you want Santa to ask himself as he approaches your house.
Is it safe to come back to this portal to hell?
— heather lou who* (@heatherlou_) November 23, 2016
You’re on elf duty.
I'm more of a 'holding hostages' than a 'holding grudges' kind of person.
— Dorky Romano (@paperphotoyo) October 6, 2016
I know you wouldn’t normally celebrate, but can you come over Christmas Eve? I think you’re going to like what I’m planning.
I like romantic, candlelit dinners and cracking skulls with a hammer.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) November 30, 2016
*Turns volume on TSO up to 11*
If you force me to listen to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, I cannot be held responsible for whatever violence may ensue.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) December 4, 2016
What if I told you there was a way to direct that energy outward?
[wife stabbing me]
me: haha, this is so us
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) December 2, 2016
What about the word “body”?
if you look up the word "word" in the dictionary you are torn from your body and shunted into the book, where you're forced to make meaning
— secret agent mandik (@rachelle_mandik) December 4, 2016
Holiday entertaining tip:
Put cheese cubes on the spikes of a live porcupine for a fun appetizer and conversation piece in one.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) November 11, 2016
This is where the porcupines come in.
Since you're the invitee, legally, I am not allowed to sabotage your visit.
But, oh, how my heart flutters at the thought.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) November 30, 2016
Autocorrect knows what’s up.
AC just changed Christmas to "heist mad".
Yup. 'Bout right.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) December 8, 2016
Just because mom can’t handle the truth doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
I finally read my mom's Christmas newsletter and surprisingly, I don't come off well in it.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) January 27, 2016
If you become filled with blind rage, then just go with it.
I don't like who I become when Last Christmas comes on the radio
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) December 19, 2015
Good, good. Start on the front lines and just keep going.
32 Ways I Will Stab Your Elf On The Shelf
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) December 1, 2016
Look, ‘tis the season.
I hate it when I have to swear vengeance
— Bah Humpug (@LuvPug) December 1, 2016
Both. Now suit up, we need you.
Do I really make people uncomfortable or are you just trying to flatter me?
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) December 4, 2016
She’s ready, but are you?
always be yourself but if you're not too sure about that, be just like me and you'll be great
— snowjob (@canadasandra) December 5, 2016
Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill every elf you meet.
Don't try snuggling with me for warmth, that icy chill you feel is emanating from my soul.
— Minion (@miffedmim) December 5, 2016
They sting like a bee, so they’re perfect.
This butterfly army won't be standing down any time soon.
— Definitely not me (@WhoToldYou2) December 8, 2016
The knife will come in handy.
Just finished my Christmas shopping at this Truckstop. Hope my wife likes her skull lighter, Bowie knife, and Nascar negligee.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 3, 2015
Also, the best way to protect your loved ones.
Ah, yes. The Santa Clause. My favorite movie detailing the proper way to obtain someone else's job: Murder.
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) December 25, 2014
We’re gonna need fire and harsh language. Hire him, post-haste.
Darren McGavin Furnace Service & Invective
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) December 8, 2016
Channel that and save it. The fat man is coming.
Not right now, sweetie. Mommy's losing her shit trying to turn this house into a Winter Wonderland.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 27, 2016
I can translate.
It's true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they're saying
— BöbWheelieKingJänke (@Bob_Janke) December 7, 2016
This is why you go for the front lines.
Director: Chucky we feel that you're not scary enough for this role
Chucky: WTF who replaced me?
*out steps Elf on a Shelf
— Olive Batman (@offbeatoliv) December 2, 2016
I get it, but tonight, save it for Mr. Claus.
How is it the year 2016 and I still have to do a "bedtime routine" instead of shooting my kids with a non-toxic gmo free sedative dart gun
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) November 30, 2016
Unless he’s bringing this book. Wait until it’s under the tree, then hit him with the dart.
If Dwayne Johnson doesn't write an autobiography and call it 'Geology', he will be dead to me.
— Goddess Of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) November 19, 2016
Then, when you’re done, dance.
This town's getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse.
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) December 1, 2016
These will be useful.
deploy Replicatorz to earth sectorz
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) December 8, 2016
That’s why she’s our sentinel.
You have grounds and a gate. I have a yard and a suspicious nature.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) December 7, 2016
Santa runs, pleading, claiming that he isn’t selling us out, but we know better. Oh, we know. Maybe he will escape again, as he does so often, but we must remain vigilant. We must attack from all sides. For even if we lose the battle, there is still the war and, in the end, we shall emerge victorious.
You can never be too prepared, I whisper, as I change the shipping to expedited on these 12 voodoo dolls
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) December 7, 2016