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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 78

You better not pout, you better not cry. You better not pout, I’m telling you why: Santa Claus is gunning you down.


I love basically everything about Christmas, including the fact that we lie to children and get stoked about breaking and entering. Granted, Santa is a rather disturbed sort of burglar in that he dresses in really loud clothes and leaves stuff instead of taking it. At least, we assume he doesn’t take anything.

But what if he’s actually selling detailed info about our homes and families on the back-end, the way other companies do with our email addresses and phone numbers? What if the gifts are just a ruse to make us look the other way, and the financial value of the gifts a pittance in comparison for all the money he rakes in selling that info to super-criminals?

He knows when we are sleeping, he knows when we’re awake, and he knows who’s naughty and scheming. It’s the perfect crime.

Well, guess what, Jolly Old Elf? I’m done. If I catch you coming around my house, I’m gonna unleash a vicious squad on you and put an end to your nefarious schemes, once and for all.

We’re coming at you from all sides, homey.

No, it’s important that kid knows he’s got a habit to feed.

Santa normally delivers switches and coal to bad children, but this will do in a pinch.

Now if Diamond Dave wants to come in, that’s a whole different story.

If he takes out Santa, he can release as many solo albums as he wants.

If we stop the Jolly Red Menace, we can stop senseless tragedies like this.

Or, and hear me out, you could just pretend to be mounted up there as you lie in wait.

Let’s not get hasty on the trees.

Shall I put on a red fur suit first?

It would be so helpful with our quest.

Only if we can throw them at a certain someone.

When Claus slips up during a team builder.

This could be useful. Let’s chat.

I like the way you think. Once they’re empty, we can make Molotov Cocktails.

This girl gets it.

No, no, no. This is highly advisable.

Telling them that Santa is good is one of them.

Please tell me it’s because you weaponize them.

First, you disorient using this tactic. Then, you go even bigger time.

This is good, but can you do the same for cookies?

Questions you want Santa to ask himself as he approaches your house.

You’re on elf duty.

I know you wouldn’t normally celebrate, but can you come over Christmas Eve? I think you’re going to like what I’m planning.

*Turns volume on TSO up to 11*

What if I told you there was a way to direct that energy outward?

What about the word “body”?

Weaponize everything.

This is where the porcupines come in.

Autocorrect knows what’s up.

Just because mom can’t handle the truth doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

If you become filled with blind rage, then just go with it.

Good, good. Start on the front lines and just keep going.

Look, ‘tis the season.

Both. Now suit up, we need you.

She’s ready, but are you?

Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill every elf you meet.

They sting like a bee, so they’re perfect.

The knife will come in handy.

Also, the best way to protect your loved ones.

We’re gonna need fire and harsh language. Hire him, post-haste.

Channel that and save it. The fat man is coming.

I can translate.

This is why you go for the front lines.

I get it, but tonight, save it for Mr. Claus.

Unless he’s bringing this book. Wait until it’s under the tree, then hit him with the dart.

Then, when you’re done, dance.

These will be useful.

That’s why she’s our sentinel.

Santa runs, pleading, claiming that he isn’t selling us out, but we know better. Oh, we know. Maybe he will escape again, as he does so often, but we must remain vigilant. We must attack from all sides. For even if we lose the battle, there is still the war and, in the end, we shall emerge victorious.