Beneath the shards and fragments littering the ground, we’ll soon find the shoots. The seedlings. First we’ll have to endure winter; the remnants of fall demand it. The anger and the vitriol, the scorching hot takes and wicked pwns of campaign 2016 fertilizing the earth. Then, we’ll emerge from our angry hibernation, like a bear who tossed and turned with heartburn the entire time. Remember: we have friends, and those friends have honeypots.
Summer and fall will fade into spring, a moment of rebirth. A glorious and fertile season of promise and possibility. The naysayers will remain, but even they will be susceptible to her charms. Even the gloomiest of gloomies will be forced to admit it’s a season of renewal and happenings.
“I might have known,” said Eeyore. “After all, one can’t complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said ‘Bother!’ The Social Round. Always something going on.”
I don’t always sniff my friends’ hair but when I do, they’re like get out of my crotch, Anna
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) October 24, 2016
To which I reply.
Fun thing to do when someone reveals a deep, dark secret is to go, “Yeah, I already knew that” even if you didn’t.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) October 23, 2016
Don’t get overexcited, though.
No thanks, zest for life, I’ll be over here living in the lap of lethargy
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) September 4, 2016
As long as there’s a plan backing it up this is nothing to worry about.
“Describe yourself in one word.”
— heather boo* (@heatherlou_) May 13, 2016
Always have a strategy.
Here’s the plan. Hot apple cider. Crackling bonfire. Then after the heist we make our escape via hayride.
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) October 26, 2016
And if you don’t have a strategy, the classics are there for you.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) October 25, 2016
This isn’t going to win any friends, but it may influence people.
*cue up playful music*
“Let the killing begin.”
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) September 29, 2016
If our friends didn’t provoke this response, can we even really call them friends?
I’m full of rage, it gives me hope
— Ella Fraser (@ella__fraser) October 21, 2016
The future is murky, though.
Mystic: I see before me rainbows surrounded by moons & pink hearts
Me: Can u put the Lucky Charms away & focus on the crystal ball, please?
— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) October 24, 2016
Before renewal, we must cleanse ourselves.
“No one will notice my absence” she whispered to herself before climbing into the dishwasher.
— Porne of the Dead (@AudreyPorne) October 25, 2016
And accept the consequences.
when I say buttah, you say flies
when I’m arrested 4 skating thru
city hall, bail me out
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) October 25, 2016
It is, with a new honeypot. Don’t hate.
I’m at my most delusional when remembering tomorrow is a brand new day.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) October 24, 2016
There’s a foster home for body parts in my neighbourhood and it’s raising a lot of eyebrows.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) October 24, 2016
Tell me more, I’m intrigued.
*holds a chainsaw above my head like a boombox below your bedroom window*
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) September 19, 2015
Look, we’re friends. I don’t see the need for all these questions.
Interrogate me so I know it’s real.
— HummingBird (@Birdhumms) October 23, 2016
Nor a need for all these facts.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) October 5, 2016
Kinda violent for the Hundred Acre Wood.
*I karate chop a guy in half for cutting in line*
DATE: OMG WTF?!
*I confidently pull out my GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD*
ME: It’s cool, baby.
— NoKids3Money (@VanGobot) October 24, 2016
What the hell, Pooh?
A blood curdling scream filled the auditorium as the magician’s ambitious volunteer realizes she is no longer halved.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) October 26, 2016
It was a magic trick gone wrong.
[At party supply store]
Clerk: Wow. That’s a lot of yellow crime scene tape. Planning a Halloween party?
Me: Uh, right…Halloween party.
— EricaTriesToBoo (@SteussieErica) September 8, 2016
But with the right response, it’s gonna be alright.
You say tomato, I say tomato, then you say tomato again as I chant the ritualistic blood magic to summon the vengeful vegetable God.
— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) July 22, 2015
We’d really rather not.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) April 1, 2016
Don’t we all. Also, vengeful bears. Those, too.
I need more henchmen in my life.
— ƙr̤̮ίsρყ (@krispythehuman) October 20, 2016
* Drinks a glass of milk *
“I have Wolverines skeleton now”
— J (@Dis0beyJay) October 22, 2016
What we get for not building our house out of bricks.
I’m like a hurricane. In and out so fast you hardly know what happened except that now everything you care about is ruined.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 21, 2016
How about a bowl of porridge at just the right temp?
Sex with me is like riding a roller coaster – You’re going to have pay to get that unattractive photo that was taken when you were scared.
— Sondra Dee (@SondraDeeMe) September 15, 2016
This mattress is too firm.
I’m feeling very self-destructive today. Time to tell someone I love them.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) August 6, 2016
*Herbie Hancock’s “Axel-F” comes blasting out of the speakers*
Me: My keyboard isn’t working. It’s making weird noises
IT: How so?
Me: Like this *synthesizer beat*
IT: That’s a piano keyboard
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) October 21, 2016
Tough, but fair. They didn’t give up the softest bed, either.
I’ve decided to stop being friends with people who wouldn’t avenge my death.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) October 22, 2016
You got up there.
OK I DON’T WANT TO LEARN PARKOUR ANYMORE now please help me get down from this lamppost.
— Ezekiel Clownman (@stanleywinn) October 20, 2016
I’m not sure this is how parkour works.
Lewd is my baseline.
— WittySassBasket™ (@WittySassBasket) October 8, 2016
Sometimes, the hottest porridge is the answer.
Might take some pcp tonight and watch some Laverne and Shirley on Hulu.
— Lamo Joe (@1Bad_Scientist) September 30, 2016
Houses made of straw and sticks? I got time.
Sometimes I just feel like destroying something.
— Crazy Stalker Mom (@texasstalkermom) October 21, 2016
The big bad wolf knows how to set the mood.
Thanks, heavy black sedan blaring an opera aria as I walk through a windstorm at night, for letting me know my abiding unease is justified
— Lars Frumperskull (@underalls) October 18, 2016
Maybe the aria is in your head, Eeyore.
You may know me from compliments such as ‘what’s wrong with you’ or ‘are you on drugs?’
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) October 12, 2016
This version actually makes more sense.
E.T. (1992) Some boys play with an enormous raisin until the police get involved. ★★★★☆
— PIZZA KING (@gf3) October 27, 2016
As them if they need to phone home.
[meets Icelandic couple]
My name is Björgmundur, and this is my wife, Þjóðhildur.
me: ok I don’t know where ur from, but this is ‘earth’.
— Some call me RZA (@jrza84) September 28, 2016
This is an argument against keeping them as pets.
The dust in your house are just bodies of vampires your pet cat destroyed while you slept.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) October 18, 2016
The Tao of Pooh is strong with this one.
I don’t rush into things. I stop, think about it and then do exactly the same.
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) October 21, 2016
The best meetings are short and sweet anyway.
Welcome to Mic Drop Club! The meetin-
— ShesARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) October 21, 2016
Don’t be afraid of change, but remember your traditions.
The devoted kneel in the pews typing on ancient keyboards. No one knows why they must change their password, it has always been.
— DaJay (@OrderOfTheVeil) October 27, 2016
She’s truly an artist.
I wrote a love letter today. It took 10 magazines to find all the letters, but it was a masterpiece.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) August 9, 2015
Things are getting out of hand.
Michael Cera dips his apple slices in mild-flavored apple sauce. Another Michael Cera walks in and softly gasps at his boldness
— Maison Piedfort (@maisonwithapen) August 22, 2016
I guess they’re not the James Bonds of flightless birds after all.
Penguin (to troops): For too long they called us “cute.” Well tonight we paint the streets red with blood. And men: don’t wear your tuxedos.
— Vote Meh! (@TheAlexNevil) October 20, 2016
Tune the sitar Gustavo, we’re going hunting.
— Scary Timbit Pesto (@RocketRankoon) February 14, 2014
That’s the Pooh spirit!
My body’s like a finely tuned machine.
A machine that converts NyQuil into apathy.
— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) October 18, 2016
Rookie move, bro.
Made the fatal mistake of jewelry shopping on an empty stomach again
— Mayor P (@punmagnate) October 21, 2016
I had a question, but never mind.
It’s bullshit if you ask me and no one asked me so I think that is bullshit too.
— Sufficient Charm (@SufficientCharm) September 25, 2016
What if I, like a certain bear, am wearing a shirt, but nothing from the waist down?
You must be fully nude to enjoy blackberry pie. I don’t make the rules, that’s just the way it is.
— Jess is Spooky (@jessokfine) October 18, 2016
Thus we enjoy our pie and remember that, though winter is coming, so is spring. We can hibernate; we can do this. We just have to channel our inner pants-less bear and spread love and affection everywhere we go.
“That’s right,” said Eeyore. “Sing. Umty-tiddly, umty-too. Here we go gathering Nuts and May. Enjoy yourself.” “I am,” said Pooh.” That’s when he got a glint in his eye and stretched out his claws.
sorry u loved me until u got to know me BE SURE TO WARN THE OTHERS
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) April 15, 2016