A Field Guide To Wild Social Justice Warriors

A Field Guide To Wild Social Justice Warriors

Social justice warriors are easily identified, possessing highly sensitive sensory organs, and an enormous mouth that hangs open in order to emit noise at the slightest provocation.
Patrick Fletchall
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Definition

Social justice warriors are members of the family Shakius Graspus Realitus, a family of leech. SJWs are indigenous to the North American and European continents, where an unusually moderate and comfortable climate has allowed their populations to flourish. The species of SJW do not thrive outside of these habitats, as competitive and harsh environments are not conducive to their reproduction.

For the naturalist who wishes to observe the SJW in its indigenous environment, they can be found congregating in great numbers at Wi-Fi hotspots, universities, and the Washington Post.

Etymology

The term “social justice warrior” is a pejorative ironic term, in which the opposite meaning is intended. Naturalists have noted over the years that besides a tendency to flutter around Twitter, SJWs are peculiarly antisocial, do not exhibit an objective interest in justice, and are not particularly brave outside of the collective hive. The past couple decades have seen the increased usage of the term SJW rather than the original Latin “lunaticus.”

Characteristics

SJWs are easily identified, possessing highly sensitive sensory organs, and an enormous mouth that hangs open in order to emit noise at the slightest provocation. The SJW has evolved this hyper-sensitivity as a survival method to offset an abnormally small cranial capacity on the left side of the brain.

While the naturalist will doubtless have little trouble spotting an SJW, he or she will inevitably hear one before seeing it. Similar to sheep, the wild SJW is a herd animal, strongly preferring the social grouping of the same species, finding strength in numbers. When agitated due to a perceived threat, the SJW will form a hunting pack of its loudest members to harangue its prey until it dies of fatigue. The natural prey of the SJW is the snipe, wild goose, and very nearly anything it spots.

The SJW enthusiast is advised to bring binoculars, since it can be a challenge to approach the SJW due to its extremely skittish and volatile nature. This difficulty stems from a constant vigilance, digits twitching in anticipation of an updated status or recording cellphone. Any movement or sound will set a SJW off, causing the herd to immediately stampede with thunderous cacophony. SJWs caught in this mass uncontrolled impulse exhibit what the naturalist William F. Buckley describes as a “ferocious illiteracy.”

Behavior

SJWs prefer habitats in which subsistence requires little effort or threat from predator. This gives the wild SJW the safety to reproduce without danger. Unfortunately for the species, when left unchecked, the SJW will proactively destroy its own habitat. Known as “going viral,” the animal will systematically attack all perceived threats, even perfectly healthy flora and fauna that it relies on for its subsistence. Recent preservation research has concluded that longevity of the species requires the radical solution of blasting stand-up comedy at high volume directly into the herd.sjw

Once its lytic cycle has reached the point where its habitat is in full decline, SJWs turn to eating their own. Although cannibalism is not typically an ideal biological response for the continuation of a species, the social justice warrior takes it a step further, committing “matriphagy,” in which the babies eat their mother alive shortly after birth. Although horrific from a naturalist’s perspective, there is almost a sense of satisfaction in watching a well-intentioned social justice warrior become a nutrient-rich meal for younger pups.

Mating and Reproduction

The SJW exhibits some of the most unique mating rituals in the animal kingdom. Scientists theorize that puberty occurs rather late in life, since the SJW will spend most of its life resisting gender roles. Once it becomes necessary to reproduce, members of the species will temporarily assume a gender.

The female SJW initiates the mating ritual by making loud, assertive sounds to draw attention to herself. Slowly and cautiously, the male SJW will emerge from his safe space and allow himself to be thoroughly beaten. While the majority of offspring are killed, if a pup is allowed to reach birth, the parents loudly bemoan their existence, howling at their misfortune.

Domestication

Domesticating the SJW is a difficult process and takes many years. An SJW captured as a pup has a much better chance of becoming a functioning member of their habitat. However, it is not impossible at a later stage.

The first step in domestication requires stripping the SJW’s entitlement, usually by refusing to pay its tuition or taking away its tenure. The naturalist must train it through constant repetition of specific phrases like “You are not a snowflake” or “That doesn’t make sense.” The last stage in domestication requires terminating handouts to help the SJW become confident in foraging for itself.

If you or a budding naturalist wish to learn more about the wild social justice warrior, the following resources will help get you started:

Patrick Fletchall works in higher education. Previously, he taught high school history and philosophy in community college. A graduate of the University of Oregon in philosophy, Patrick received a master of theological studies from Boston University and master of philosophy from the University of Aberdeen. He lives in Eugene, Oregon, with his wife and son. The opinions expressed here do not reflect those of his employer.

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