Father’s Day is upon us, which means dads across the country are being forced to care about Father’s Day. Sure, some do, and booze is nice. There’s the chance our wives will take the kids away from the house for a few hours while we do absolutely nothing except watch truly great movies. There’s also the chance we’ll get stuck doing yardwork or other chores.
After all, the only reason we are being celebrated is because we are dads, and being dad comes with myriad responsibilities. It’s not just guarding the thermostat, mowing the grass, and putting our dirty laundry in the general vicinity of the laundry basket. It’s also attempting to do projects we said yes to when we weren’t really paying attention or because we watched a YouTube video.
In the end, though, our wives and children do appreciate us, and they take time to show us just how much.
Does this Home Depot gift card say happy Father's Day or does it say could u please finish grouting the tile? I need it to cover both.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) June 9, 2016
At least give him a couple of beers to take up there with him.
Me: Happy Father's Day, I got this for you.
Him: My old ladder..?
Me: Yeah, so I need you to finish that fuckin roof project you started.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 11, 2016
It’s in the rule book.
Every fathers day, all dads who receive #1 dad shirts fight to the death. The winner gets to adjust the thermostat of all the losers' houses
— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) June 21, 2015
This is the real No. 1 dad.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad's advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
— Tony (@Tmoney68) June 15, 2016
And that’s how we ended up on grout and roofing duties.
My husband really listens to me.
By listening, I mean I could tell him I was a lesbian mid conversation & he'd reply, "Yep, I get it, Dear."
— Drea (@A_gligs) June 13, 2016
Some of us actually get out and relax on Father’s Day, maybe take in a few holes.
You have more chance of being struck by lightening than winning the lottery, but I live in hope.
*holds golf club aloft during thunderstorm*
— Tups (@Tups13) June 9, 2016
I don’t think this is a joke.
DAD: *holding newborn child with tears in his eyes* today I become a happy father
ME: but you're already my dad
— Rooster Mustache (@RoosterMustache) March 21, 2016
I know this isn’t a joke.
Wife: "What do you want to do for Father's Day?"
Me: "Ask our 3 daughters. They're in charge of my social life."
— Lance Burson (@lanceburson) June 11, 2016
They don’t appreciate all our accomplishments.
I just carried in 23 bags of groceries by myself in one trip, and no one in this house acted impressed.
— keith (@tchrquotes) June 7, 2015
Not to be similarly unappreciative, but couldn’t this be an everyday rule?
"Remember you two: it's Father's Day ALL DAY LONG. Be nice, no fighting, and try not to hit Daddy in the private parts. Got it?"
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 16, 2013
As they should be.
My father's opinions, like his Lucky Strikes, were strong and unfiltered.
— α geek (@alfageeek) April 17, 2014
So you’re saying he did a good job?
If my dad taught me nothing else, it's how to do a loon call.
Actually that was it, just the loon call.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) August 19, 2015
Another example of doing a good job.
One thing I definitely underestimated when I first became a father was the great amount of joy embarrassing my kids would bring me.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 10, 2015
That’s a respectable grade, especially if dealing with Singapore math.
I got a B- on my daughter's algebra homework.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) October 10, 2014
Oooh, I haven’t tried this one, and threatening to sell them to the circus has lost its efficacy.
When I was little & heard sirens my dad would say "They're coming to take you to an orphanage" if any of you are looking for parenting tips.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) August 5, 2015
One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 14, 2016
When I said I didn’t want anything for Father’s Day, I wasn’t aware of this device, and need to change my answer.
My 6yo just asked me "how many hurricanes would it take to take out out New York City?" so he must be working on his weather dominator again
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 31, 2016
This sounds like something a kid would say when you tell him to stop trying to dominate the weather.
If you split the word "behave" into two verbs, you have the most confusing and beautiful sentence in the English language.
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) October 19, 2015
Sweet. See you at Home Depot.
I follow all your dads.
— Doktor J (@doktorj) January 5, 2016
It’s Father’s Day. Time to rectify that.
My biggest regret is that I've never been to boogie wonderland.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) June 10, 2016
Or an exciting holiday afternoon!
7yo: She was going to stab me!
9yo: (holding sharp object) I was just KIDDING!!
-Summer in a nutshell.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) June 14, 2016
What was Polaroid for, then?
My parents had it so easy.
When they gave me my first Polaroid, they never had to say "Oh and please don't take pictures of your junk."
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) April 2, 2015
But they have exceptional knife skills.
I believe the children are our future. And I'm terrified.
— I Was A Fool For Meh (@TheAlexNevil) May 24, 2016
This would be impossible with a Polaroid.
Me: *sends nudes*
So, what do you think?
Him: Nah. I prefer the taupe.
(Texting various color swatches for the bathroom from Lowes)
— Melodi Moon (@MelodiMoon) June 13, 2016
Hmmm, this is another tantalizing gift idea.
I need an extra 14 hours a day for a second job and possibly an octopus.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) June 7, 2016
We are generous, but wait a minute.
We bought "Dad" a lot of chocolate at the good candy store. Then we quickly decided Dad would want us to have it. Dad is so damn generous.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) March 17, 2016
Another gift to add to the growing list.
You discuss unrealistic expectations gained from Barbies as if I'm not still waiting for my X-Ray Vision.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) June 15, 2016
Sounds like father material, so yes.
I shall be bringing my date lord foon, great wizard of the 7 dank swamps, oh hail the mighty beard,to your wedding. Will my elf armor be ok?
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) June 9, 2016
I tell my kids this every time they leave the house without me.
Startled accordion players accidentally kill thousands of ambush huggers each year.
— Olivia Twisted (@aveuaskew) October 30, 2015
As you age and grow your family, you don’t rage quite as hard as you once did.
A mosh pit but for opera and instead of pushing you just cry in the middle
— Ya-Ya (@macchiatonumb) June 2, 2016
Tonight's Father's Day dinner is basically a combination of pork chops, bacon & beer. Do I win?
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 16, 2013
That's disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don't wipe boogers on Mommy's pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy's
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) April 17, 2014
You can never be too bold.
HR denied my bereavement leave for Prince's death, so I appealed.
Appeal: Maybe he's just like my father.
HR: Too bold
— вℓσи∂є αмbitισи™ (@CharmandBrains) April 22, 2016
You can make fun of our dad bods and dad jeans, but we do have our charms.
[hot guys throwing frisbee in the park]
*loudly to 2-year-old I'm babysitting*
"Since dad left us, there's no one to teach you frisbee"
— Elizabeth (@elizabeth_fels) May 15, 2016
Being irresistible is one of my many character flaws.
— Lolly Gagger (@TrueTorontoGirl) June 16, 2016
Also, never put ketchup on them.
My father gave me the best life advice: "never eat hot dogs out of anger, hot dogs are for celebrating"
— tater tot bros (@thetits) May 22, 2016
As far as awful flying creatures go, they’re almost as bad as geese. Almost.
[At Flock Of Seagulls concert]
*distant yelling* STOP SHITTING ON MY CAR.
— Wu tang kraang (@1slowery1) April 14, 2016
No. “Haha” is one word.
As a father, it’s important to keep your children grounded, even if their heads are in the stars.
SON:[w telescope] i can see the international space station!
ME:lol bud that doesn't exist it's just swamp gas reflecting the light of venus
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) June 16, 2016
Especially after you mow the lawn. It’s a magical time and you want to get it just right.
Pro tip: it's important to pair how your shower beer tastes with how your body wash smells.
— Miss Riss (@Its_Miss_Riss) June 3, 2016
They’re almost as dangerous as startled bagpipe players.
agenda 4 today:
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
— plaid fire horse (@warmyellowlight) August 22, 2015
We may be aging and our kids may wear us down, but we can still take time for a night on the town. Don’t forget to make the most of it.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) July 9, 2015
Fatherhood changes a man. Whereas once he didn’t care about thermostats and the finer art of lawn upkeep, now they are his passions, the things that drive him. And not just because the kids like to mess around with the former and turn the house into a sauna or destroy the latter while having fun, but because they’re both mostly quiet. Remember, though, no matter what we say, we’re loving every minute of it. Mostly.
"I am smiling."
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) June 14, 2016