Once upon a time, there was a family with some kids and a dog and a cat and a nanny. Then the nanny finished grad school and moved away. After this, the family discovered that even without people being in the house during the day, the house ends up messier.
Some might say that this is because the husband is too busy wrangling the three-year-old out the door as she practices sweet karate moves on him and argues passionately in favor of moving the pockets to a different spot on her dress or why wearing her shoes on the wrong feet is correct. The truth, though, is that he is too busy threatening to feed her to wolves if she doesn’t behave.
Beyond that, shouldn’t the dog at least try to contribute? We’re at a point where rules stating “don’t get in the sink” or “don’t walk on the counter” might need to be relaxed. On the other hand, he isn’t the one making the mess, so the husband doesn’t really blame him for his dedication to a life of leisure.
I’d say my husband lives like he was raised by wolves, but that’d be an insult to the cleanliness standards of wolves.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) February 16, 2016
My lie is that I care.
“Please excuse the mess”
I lie to my house guest after I cleaned for hours and hours.
— Vivi Lee (@vivienneleee) February 15, 2016
This seems like a pretty fantastical tale.
9: “Ugh! I have to keep stepping over her toys because she never puts them away! I wish she’d just cle-”
Me: “Yep.” — Wendy S. (@maughammom) February 6, 2016
I’m listening. Tell me more about this “minimalism.”
Burn down your house, and ta-dah!! now you’re a minimalist.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) February 15, 2016
Could be worse, I suppose. At least I, I mean anonymous dad, don’t have to dodge the evil bricks.
Fun fact: It is technically not against the Geneva conventions to make enemy prisoners walk around in the dark in a room full of Lego. — Chocolate Moose (@moose_chocolate) February 12, 2016
Okay, it’s really not that bad.
Hot mess? No. More like tepid, organised chaos.
— Vice_Queen (@Vice_Queen) February 4, 2016
I’m sorry, but this is true. Unless you were a smuggler of some sort, as the cops probably wouldn’t suspect a thing.
We’ve all experienced regret but probably not as much as the guy who couldn’t wait to buy a PT Cruiser. — krismuscookie (@krismuscookie) February 14, 2016
Or in the garage, if he and the dog decide they can’t get along.
[god creating cats]
this fat squirrel lives indoors
— MILTRON (@themiltron) February 12, 2016
They are peculiar incarnations of pure evil. I mean funny little cuddly balls of evil incarnate.
*points at cat*
*cat looks at finger*
*points at cat from under blanket*
Cat: I SHALL SLAY THIS DEMON WITH THE WRATH OF MY FALLEN BRETHREN — Oblivia (@aveuaskew) February 4, 2016
Everyone says they’re clean. They’re not, but they might win this cleanliness battle.
Me yelling at my cat: What are you doing? Stop eating that!
Me yelling at my preschooler: Same.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) February 17, 2016
To offer another example.
Stop licking the groove between the carpet and linoleum . — Post-mil Parenting (@PostMilParent) February 17, 2016
Unless it’s a toy breed. That would just be cruel.
The focal point in any painting should always be a monkey riding a dog.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) July 13, 2014
Sometimes necessity isn’t the mother of invention. Sometimes it’s just boredom and blank space.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented* — venechuk bros (@thetits) January 11, 2016
When the rhymes rise up and become literally devastating, then, the rhythm is gonna get you.
TFW you know your rap battles are ruining lives.
— WittySassBasket (@WittySassBasket) February 11, 2016
This is a poignant way to settle any beef you have after the rap battle is over.
*smothers you in gravy while you sleep* — Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 1, 2016
Speaking of devastation, they’re not the friendliest animals.
If only there were a way to get him to remember me forever
*turns on forward facing camera
*snaps pic of hippocampus
— Miss Oppo Taco (@LMLMadness) February 6, 2016
Why can’t it be both?
Might go to bed and dream about you
Or dancing ewoks
But possibly you — MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) August 2, 2012
Expired, or got way better?
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens
… I think my cough medicine expired
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) February 18, 2016
She’s gonna really be shocked when whoever the new Kelly LeBrock is comes sashaying out of her son’s room.
Found 6yo patrolling the hallway humming The Imperial March with my bra strapped to his head.
A fitting start to the school vacation week. — Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) February 14, 2016
Did he wear a bra on his head during the exam?
Is the Doctor supposed to pay YOU after your breast exam? I need to look for doctors on Craigslist more often!
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) February 13, 2016
This conversation continued, but he ran out of characters.
6yo: Daddy, how old is the beast in Beauty and the Beast?
Me: I don’t know. I’ve never seen it
Me: Still haven’t seen it — Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) February 17, 2016
They say the darndest things.
“I love to get high when I’m swinging.” – my three year old, and sexually promiscuous drug addicts
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) February 5, 2016
This is the best argument against Bruce Wayne ever. I’m not wholly convinced, but still.
Being Batman would be cool cuz of the dark cave to nap in, but if I was Spider-Man I could make myself a hammock whenever I wanted. — Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) February 15, 2016
A spider is bitten by a radioactive human. He becomes clumsy and weak, wracked with crippling self-doubt. He dies alone.
— year of the whopper™ (@yotwhopper) February 13, 2016
Okay, there really is no argument against Batman.
Me:What’s wrong?We just got home.Why are you already whining?
2yo: I neeeed to be naked.
2yo: [takes off clothes]Where my Batman cape? — Jenn Harrell Scott (@Jenn_H_Scott) February 8, 2016
Wait until the cow takes the stage.
(Hearing opera for the first time) these horses sound like they’re in trouble
— Umami Skeleton (@Merman_Melville) January 31, 2016
This is a winning strategy.
I like to keep people’s expectations of me low by yelling “STRANGER DANGER!” in their face when they introduce themselves. — Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) February 14, 2016
And one you can use on yourself.
“Stranger danger”, I screamed while examining myself in the mirror.
— Kris V (@krisv_723) February 13, 2016
Attitude is everything.
My 5yo just told me I’m the meanest mom in the world so now I’m freaking out, like wtf I don’t even have a speech prepared or anything. — Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 12, 2016
It’s a hilarious story, especially when someone else sings it while looking at a teleprompter.
Horribly disfigured in a tragic karaoke accident.
— David Michael (@InsouciantMan) February 12, 2016
Wait, does this count? If so, me too. So into it.
“I’m into juicing,” I say, squeezing a lime into the cocktail shaker. — Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 7, 2016
Who can blame her?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
— Beth (@mejustbeth) August 17, 2015
With a machete?
I think it would be therapeutic to be able to kill a zombie every now and then — Minor Character (@brettminor) February 17, 2016
Ask him if he thinks you’re a zombie.
If you get in his car and he’s playing the soundtrack from Silence Of The Lambs, just go ahead and start writing your obituary.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) February 11, 2016
neat time saving tip: terrify all the neighbors you hate by dressing as the clown from ‘It’ on your daily walks — bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) February 12, 2016
Now that you mention it.
At this point there can’t really be that many special places in Hell left.
— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) February 12, 2016
Kenny Loggins would be cooler, but maybe moms aren’t as much about the danger zone.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics. — Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 16, 2016
Ten reasons this was a bad idea.
We named our new puppy Clickbait and you won’t believe what happened next!
— Randamonium (@torrami) January 4, 2016
This isn’t that shocking.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around. — Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) June 2, 2014
While we’re on the topic of musicians who rage.
Some dude on FB just lost his shit because his offer to play saxophone in a death metal band was rejected and I think I found my new BFF.
— Corky (@CorkyCrash) October 3, 2015
Some musicians, though, are a little more sedate.
Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada. — Bécky Wilde Åsh (@AddledPixie) April 16, 2014
This is why you avoid giving the kids piña coladas.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) October 4, 2015
He really wanted to rampage. Alas, it wasn’t in the cards for that night.
A werewolf walks into a bar. It’s not the full moon, so he’s still a man. He’s terribly sad, but that’s unrelated. He just needs a bathroom. — Living Marble (@living_marble) February 17, 2016
If only there had been a full moon.
a hippo sized chinchilla, a rapid freeze hand crank ice cream machine and a velvet hovercraft walk into a bar. That was some night boy!
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) February 17, 2016
As the evening came to a close, their plans crystallized.
*straddles a pogostick*
“AT DAWN WE RIDE!” — Gia (@GashleyMadison) October 24, 2015
I could make a million dollars off this. Or none. Maybe somewhere in between.
“Penny for your thoughts,” a coworker chirps, about to make a purchase he will regret for the rest of his miserable life.
— Dāvids (@BumbleDC) February 13, 2016
If you’re looking to love someone long time, it can be a “dating” site.
What do you mean LinkedIn isn’t a dating site?
*takes “please love me” off CV* — Pirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) February 11, 2016
If you’re going to shriek, make sure it’s a really, really good shriek. Be Donald Sutherland.
“Pod people are my people”, I shout.
(the crazy shines in my eyes, and I am beautiful)
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) February 5, 2016
Remember, always remember, that this is how it works.
tweet weirdly into the void, for it pleases the obelisk — Pete Mandik (@petemandik) August 12, 2015
Until next time, remember to be the best version of you that you can be. Unless you can steal a better person’s identity. In that case, be the best version of that person you can be. You can trust me. I’m from the Internet. Plus I’m rather lovable.
Little jaded. I was expecting to wake up to a lot more professions of undying love.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) February 14, 2016