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This Week In Weird Twitter, Vol 38

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In ‘Pulp Fiction,’ Marcellus Wallace sends in the Wolf to clean up a horrific mess. I know another man who needs to talk to Marcellus. He just needs wolves.

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Once upon a time, there was a family with some kids and a dog and a cat and a nanny. Then the nanny finished grad school and moved away. After this, the family discovered that even without people being in the house during the day, the house ends up messier.

Some might say that this is because the husband is too busy wrangling the three-year-old out the door as she practices sweet karate moves on him and argues passionately in favor of moving the pockets to a different spot on her dress or why wearing her shoes on the wrong feet is correct. The truth, though, is that he is too busy threatening to feed her to wolves if she doesn’t behave.

Beyond that, shouldn’t the dog at least try to contribute? We’re at a point where rules stating “don’t get in the sink” or “don’t walk on the counter” might need to be relaxed. On the other hand, he isn’t the one making the mess, so the husband doesn’t really blame him for his dedication to a life of leisure.


My lie is that I care.

This seems like a pretty fantastical tale.


I’m listening. Tell me more about this “minimalism.”

Could be worse, I suppose. At least I, I mean anonymous dad, don’t have to dodge the evil bricks.


Okay, it’s really not that bad.

I’m sorry, but this is true. Unless you were a smuggler of some sort, as the cops probably wouldn’t suspect a thing.


Or in the garage, if he and the dog decide they can’t get along.

They are peculiar incarnations of pure evil. I mean funny little cuddly balls of evil incarnate.


Everyone says they’re clean. They’re not, but they might win this cleanliness battle.

To offer another example.


Unless it’s a toy breed. That would just be cruel.

Sometimes necessity isn’t the mother of invention. Sometimes it’s just boredom and blank space.


When the rhymes rise up and become literally devastating, then, the rhythm is gonna get you.

This is a poignant way to settle any beef you have after the rap battle is over.


Speaking of devastation, they’re not the friendliest animals.

Why can’t it be both?


Expired, or got way better?

She’s gonna really be shocked when whoever the new Kelly LeBrock is comes sashaying out of her son’s room.


Did he wear a bra on his head during the exam?

This conversation continued, but he ran out of characters.


They say the darndest things.

This is the best argument against Bruce Wayne ever. I’m not wholly convinced, but still.


Conversely.

Okay, there really is no argument against Batman.


Wait until the cow takes the stage.

This is a winning strategy.


And one you can use on yourself.

Attitude is everything.


It’s a hilarious story, especially when someone else sings it while looking at a teleprompter.

Wait, does this count? If so, me too. So into it.


Who can blame her?

With a machete?


Ask him if he thinks you’re a zombie.

Or Pennywise.


Now that you mention it.

Kenny Loggins would be cooler, but maybe moms aren’t as much about the danger zone.


Ten reasons this was a bad idea.

This isn’t that shocking.


While we’re on the topic of musicians who rage.

Some musicians, though, are a little more sedate.


This is why you avoid giving the kids piña coladas.

He really wanted to rampage. Alas, it wasn’t in the cards for that night.


If only there had been a full moon.

As the evening came to a close, their plans crystallized.


I could make a million dollars off this. Or none. Maybe somewhere in between.

If you’re looking to love someone long time, it can be a “dating” site.


If you’re going to shriek, make sure it’s a really, really good shriek. Be Donald Sutherland.

Remember, always remember, that this is how it works.


Until next time, remember to be the best version of you that you can be. Unless you can steal a better person’s identity. In that case, be the best version of that person you can be. You can trust me. I’m from the Internet. Plus I’m rather lovable.