When you have a child, people tell you, “They grow up so fast.” There’s probably some truth to this, but then again I think that it’s pretty awesome when kids can wipe their own rears and forage for their own chocolate milk. I kid, I kid. You can actually start ignoring them at a much earlier age. It builds character.
Curating this, though, is a much more labor-intensive endeavor. And age doesn’t really make it any easier, but at least it does get some consternation from angry Trump fans who think that The Federalist should stick to publishing other articles that they also hate and that’s not nothing.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
— Flaniz Navidad (@imdaintyaf) November 4, 2015
I’ve probably never referred to my kids as the unholy trinity. Maybe a few times.
So are we forming an unholy alliance, or what?
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) December 4, 2015
This probably wouldn’t work.
If you don't want people showing you baby pics, just whisper "future serial killer" after each one.
— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) December 8, 2015
As was the fashion at that time.
Some of the best advice I've ever been given came from a prostitute in an Oakland McDonald's bathroom after she offered me a radish.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) December 1, 2015
The secret to exterior illumination was always pretty obvious, despite what Clark said.
*reenacts red bathing suit pool scene from Christmas Vacation* *husband FINALLY puts up outdoor Christmas lights*
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 4, 2015
Unlike virtually everything else, they don’t taste like chicken.
[inventing the parrot] HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) February 18, 2015
It is one of the best uses of the platform.
I love when girls on Instagram are like "Here's a few sentences of poetry I'm posting in a comment, but also check out my tits a little bit"
— Chris D'Elia (@chrisdelia) November 12, 2014
It doesn’t work very well for dudes, though.
"I wrote a poem," he threatened
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) September 20, 2013
Just tell him you were writing poetry. Wait, no, that won’t work. Show some cleavage first.
"Hey look, there's a deer frolicking in the woods over there!" Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?
— SLIM (@Slims_Ramblings) May 26, 2015
He actually makes people wish they were at a poetry slam.
never in a million years would I ask a tambourine man to play a song for me
— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) March 22, 2015
Can you use them to catch fish?
The fact that earthworms are called earthworms suggests the existrnce of sea worms and, more distressingly, air and fire worms.
— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) July 14, 2012
I’m going to assume he’s talking about geese.
Kill two birds with one stone. Now kill another one with your bare hands. Here's a tennis racket fuck birds
— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) December 4, 2015
What’s his platform?
Is the crow shrieking outside my house campaigning for America president or is it just a normal crow
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) December 9, 2015
Then he was super terrified.
I wonder if the first person to discover a mummy thought "Holy Shit! That butterfly is gonna be massive!"
— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) November 17, 2015
At least the first person to see one will know exactly what they’re getting.
Who wants to talk about dragon pirates? I think we should talk about dragon pirates.
— human (@krispythehuman) December 9, 2015
Who called it a pillowcase instead of a raccoon bag
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 9, 2015
Well, I’m fresh out of ideas for an alternative stage production of “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.”
While they may appear musical, ferrets don't make a sound no matter how hard you squeeze them
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) December 9, 2015
They suck at Twister, too.
"Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest" – T-Rex singing "Head, shoulders, knees and toes".
— Mat (@MatCro) March 25, 2015
Bigfoot probably knows the answer to this. We should ask him.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don't want people to know they like to swim YOU DON'T KNOW
— Evil Dad (@evildadatron) February 12, 2015
*sends him a DM*
I know my husband is DTF when he likes something I post on Facebook.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) December 8, 2015
“That’ll be $25,000.”
giving a TED talk about my exciting journey from the couch to my refrigerator and how it's changed the world
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) December 8, 2015
“Whilst I was walking to the fridge…”
I will use "whilst" whenever possible. It's who I am now.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) December 3, 2015
She is Jewish, so while she takes liberties with the reenactment, it’s not wholly inaccurate.
Naked and Afraid, but just me waking up in the neighbor's Nativity scene.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) December 10, 2015
We all are.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) December 25, 2014
Stop calling them ugly Christmas sweaters All sweaters are beautiful
— Holiday Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) November 30, 2015
Let me rock this holiday.
Lobbying the government to finally recognize my annual 8-night celebration of classic R&B: Chakakhannukah
— Tony (@Tmoney68) December 10, 2015
It looks beautiful though, Clark.
Wrestling with some Christmas lights. They're winning.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) December 8, 2015
They were shopping for upcycled Christmas presents.
Just got a Christmas photo card from a hipster family with them all standing in an alley next to a dumpster.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 7, 2015
When Santa gives you exactly what you want for Christmas.
Pop quiz hotshot: you have two llamas. Obviously you name the first one Lorenzo. But what do you name the second? Wrong. Also Lorenzo.
— ibid (@ibid78) June 3, 2014
‘Tis the season to make sure your priorities are in order.
Saw a husband stuck on a roof while the wife was dragging the ladder away screaming. It's okay tho. The lights look fantastic.
— Tenley Brooks (@ProudFFAalumni) December 4, 2015
It’s also a season to be thankful.
My hair is all I have left. And my boobs. And my ass. And my eyebrows. And my hippocampus. I guess I have a few things.
— Bblack (@freebirdy31) December 8, 2015
At least she didn’t caption it with poetry.
*getting murdered* *takes selfie* *posts it on IG with caption-getting murdered AF rn*
— Coco (@BeCoco77) December 1, 2015
No selfie? Must not be that nice.
[being murdered] "This is nice."
— Nobody (@SleazySli) December 4, 2015
She apparently didn’t have a pillowcase, I mean raccoon bag, handy.
911: What's your emergency? [sounds of struggling and growling] 911: Hello?! Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) June 4, 2015
Not as surprising as mummies, but I’d scream, too.
The person who first discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT. THE FUCK. IS GOING ON!!"
— birthday twat (@jazmasta) October 10, 2013
Does this work? Please say yes.
ME: [spraying hose to make a rainbow over a bear trap] WIFE: stop trying to trap a leprechaun ME: I really want a pot of gold or some cereal
— Eat Wood (@therealeatwood) September 1, 2015
As a father of a redhead, I can laugh at this. You’re probably horrible.
I'd probably be offended at being called a soulless ginger, but I'm too busy burying all these dead bodies to care.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) December 4, 2015
Excellent. Not struggling is part of the key.
[Stuck in quicksand] "Well, this is some bullshit."
— Gia (@GashleyMadison) December 1, 2015
Also, quicksand all around us.
There's plenty of fish in the sea. There are snakes in your basement. Monkeys have stolen your car. Spiders are everywhere.
— Roundhouse (@BackrowSeats) August 7, 2015
Yes and why don’t more people play?
Is curling that sport where like if I got drunk and took two days off work to learn, I could be in the Olympics?
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) December 4, 2015
“Don’t live a life governed by fear of Goblins. They help you unlock new levels of achievement.” – Joel Osteen.
The in-flight safety video was oddly insistent about not opening the hatch marked "Goblin Portal"
— Tinselated Boat (@pixelatedboat) April 23, 2015
He must not have used enough frosting to affix it.
Hour 3: The group of hipsters has accepted me. However, the leader seems suspicious of the cinnamon roll man bun I taped on top of my head.
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) November 13, 2015
Seems like that might make it harder to keep secret.
*commissions exquisitely detailed tapestry of top secret battle plan*
— Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) November 21, 2015
Who can honestly say this hasn’t happened to them?
I was in a hot yoga class,holding a really difficult position, when I realized I was just high as fuck on PCP & hiding in a FedEx box again.
— BackwrdSkateChampion (@Ilovelamp1979) November 30, 2015
I’m guessing she’s a big AC/DC fan.
[5-year-old playing Cinderella] *in a high pitch voice* Great party. Your balls are the best. *in a deep voice* Everyone loves my balls.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2015
Language is a beautiful and magical thing. As you head into the Christmas season, remember that you can give gifts not just of material items or your presence, but of words. Sometimes it’s just easier to buy things, though. But, you don’t have to buy really awesome things. It’s all in how you sell it.
I'll pretty much demand to see anything if you use the word "behold" as its introduction.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) December 3, 2015