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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 30

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When you have a child, people tell you, “They grow up so fast.” There’s probably some truth to this, but then again I think that it’s pretty awesome when kids can wipe their own rears and forage for their own chocolate milk. I kid, I kid. You can actually start ignoring them at a much earlier age. It builds character.

Curating this, though, is a much more labor-intensive endeavor. And age doesn’t really make it any easier, but at least it does get some consternation from angry Trump fans who think that The Federalist should stick to publishing other articles that they also hate and that’s not nothing.


I’ve probably never referred to my kids as the unholy trinity. Maybe a few times.


This probably wouldn’t work.


As was the fashion at that time.


The secret to exterior illumination was always pretty obvious, despite what Clark said.


Unlike virtually everything else, they don’t taste like chicken.


It is one of the best uses of the platform.


It doesn’t work very well for dudes, though.


Just tell him you were writing poetry. Wait, no, that won’t work. Show some cleavage first.


He actually makes people wish they were at a poetry slam.

Can you use them to catch fish?


I’m going to assume he’s talking about geese.


What’s his platform?


Then he was super terrified.


At least the first person to see one will know exactly what they’re getting.


Excellent question.

Well, I’m fresh out of ideas for an alternative stage production of “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.”


They suck at Twister, too.


Bigfoot probably knows the answer to this. We should ask him.


*sends him a DM*


“That’ll be $25,000.”


“Whilst I was walking to the fridge…”

She is Jewish, so while she takes liberties with the reenactment, it’s not wholly inaccurate.


We all are.


#LikeASweater


Let me rock this holiday.


It looks beautiful though, Clark.


They were shopping for upcycled Christmas presents.

When Santa gives you exactly what you want for Christmas.


‘Tis the season to make sure your priorities are in order.


It’s also a season to be thankful.


At least she didn’t caption it with poetry.


No selfie? Must not be that nice.


She apparently didn’t have a pillowcase, I mean raccoon bag, handy.

Not as surprising as mummies, but I’d scream, too.


Does this work? Please say yes.


As a father of a redhead, I can laugh at this. You’re probably horrible.


Excellent. Not struggling is part of the key.


Also, quicksand all around us.

Yes and why don’t more people play?


“Don’t live a life governed by fear of Goblins. They help you unlock new levels of achievement.” – Joel Osteen.


He must not have used enough frosting to affix it.


Seems like that might make it harder to keep secret.


Who can honestly say this hasn’t happened to them?


I’m guessing she’s a big AC/DC fan.


Language is a beautiful and magical thing. As you head into the Christmas season, remember that you can give gifts not just of material items or your presence, but of words. Sometimes it’s just easier to buy things, though. But, you don’t have to buy really awesome things. It’s all in how you sell it.