Happy 21st Birthday to TWIWT! Technically it’s only 21 weeks old, as a certain film critic pointed out, but kids grow up fast these days, so we’re counting it. To be honest, it’s always been rather boozy. Now, though, it’s legal as well. So sit back, relax, crack one open, and enjoy, even if it’s morning and you’re working.
I’m drinking vodka & writing essays on the Great Depression, in case anybody wants to party.— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) October 4, 2015
Maybe he’s been drinking or thinks he’s on Pinterest.
Sean is on Facebook saying how hard it is to be a collage student. A collage student. Collage. Don’t give up, Sean. Your future is bright.— Actually Michelle (@littlelady899) September 24, 2015
I’m going to assume this is true.
‘Karaoke’ is Japanese for drunk screaming.— ∀LLEY ∁∀T (@deardilettante) September 29, 2015
They’re not as bad as pandas.
“Raccoons”? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) October 3, 2015
At work, we’re trying to solve a bird problem on our rooftop deck. I may try this.
Sorry if a falcon attacks you today, it was meant to give you my business card but it seems I’m less of a Falcon Master than the card claims— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) April 22, 2015
As an owner of both, yeah.
“Dogs are assholes” DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole! “Cats are assholes” CAT PERSON: Yeah— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) September 3, 2015
Disney creates unreal expectations for young women.
Just once I’d like to open my cupboard and some fucking birds & squirrels hop out & help me clean or sew a pretty dress or some shit.— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) December 28, 2012
Johnny Depp creates unreal expectations for everybody.
Producer: it’s a story of a lackadaisical Roomba that magically becomes self-aware? Johnny Depp: I’ll do it!!— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) October 5, 2015
“Ghostbusters” created some unrealistic expectations, too.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts” ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?— Floyd (@dafloydsta) September 28, 2015
What was he thinking?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 3, 2015
When what should be the easiest game of Rochambeau ever goes wrong.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship] *down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands* MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) February 9, 2015
That’s also discrimination against people with scissor-hands.
no one ever said don’t bring a sword to red lobster so i’m gonna claim ignorance on this one— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 4, 2015
[public hanging] me, from the back: HANG IN THERE BUDDY! [crowd laughs] nudging guy next to me: did you hear me? I said HANG IN THERE BU-— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) October 7, 2015
This sounds serious.
*puts on rollerblades while maintaining eye contact* You just fucked with the wrong dude.— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) October 8, 2015
Chase me through an orchard with a butcher knife. Keep it fresh.— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) October 6, 2015
For the haters.
I really hope they play Shake It Off at my funeral.— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) October 6, 2015
When you want the funeral to be just right.
*restarts “Shake It Off” for the 8th time because I can never remember if fakers gonna fake comes before or after heartbreakers gonna break*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 7, 2015
I’m surprised it’s not spelled Geoff.
LAWYER: due to concerns of body shaming *puts hand on Bigfoot’s back* my client asks that he please be referred to by his given name, Jeff— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) October 8, 2015
[staring at bouncy castle] Bring out the bouncy catapult. This bouncy kingdom will be mine— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) October 8, 2015
Follow your heart.
Lost & roaming in IKEA, I ran across a pack of wild Dads. Thru gestures & grunts I became their leader. Now we march upon the Depot of Homes— Bownuggets (@Bownuggets) March 24, 2014
When vanquishing foes, you have to eat.
If you’re ever unsatisfied with your Ikea Swedish meatballs, maybe reconsider having dinner in a furniture store.— Creed (@novicefather) January 12, 2015
No one did, really.
Despite Axl’s persistent hospitality I never really felt welcome in the jungle.— Rick Aaron (@RickAaron) May 9, 2015
She should demand a refund.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.— Spooky Noodles (@Dawn_M_) October 8, 2015
When Archer does new employee orientation.
[showing new guy around the office] That’s the fax machine. Don’t put your dick in that. That’s Cheryl. Don’t put your dick in that either.— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 3, 2015
“You have insulted my honor and I demand respect.”
MATT: Homophones can have duel meanings. ME: Don’t you mean “dual?” MATT: *draws pistol* No.— batkaren (@batkaren) October 4, 2015
Coming soon to SyFy.
Idea that will never come to fruition: An applenado; delicious but dangerous.— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) October 3, 2015
Wasn’t this an episode of “The Brady Bunch”?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped “stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name” oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 4, 2015
*pulls out a tambourine* Let’s ruin a party, just the two of us.— Spooky Noodles (@Dawn_M_) October 1, 2015
You know what they say about assumptions.
Stripper – “hey honey, u want a private dance?” Me – “yes please” [2 mins later] “Why are u taking ur clothes off? I want Gangnam Style”— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) October 8, 2015
She’s totes correct.
“It was the worst of times, holy shit you guys, it was the worst of times af.” -Charles Dickens, 2015, on twitter— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) July 19, 2015
wife: “what on earth are you doing?” me: “making a penguin” wife: “that’s a pigeon” me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”— k e e t (@KeetPotato) September 28, 2015
If you go through the drive-thru you’re probably alright.
What level of functioning alcoholic do you unlock when you take your kids to the liquor store in their pajamas?— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 2, 2015
If he maintains full eye contact while putting them on, things will be fine.
Wife: What. Are. Those. [pulling diamond studded rollerblades from car trunk] Ok just hear me out— Count Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) October 3, 2015
Better than rollerblades.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?” Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”— Ollie Garch (@ojedge) October 5, 2015
Caine from Kung Fu: Origins.
I am destined to wander this earth alone, dispensing my wisdom and limited karate abilities to the homeless.— Piece (@Piecezilla) October 8, 2015
She’s a keeper.
[hands you back flowers] “Thank you, but I can’t drink those.”— K∀RL∀ INTransylvania (@karlainvt) October 2, 2015
This is a great costume.
“Sweetie, you wearing the costume I got you to your party?” Dad, it’s LAME “Don’t let anyone touch you!” [dressed as thermostat] I KNOW— Scary Terry F (@daemonic3) October 7, 2015
Seriously, men, don’t go there.
“I just love a man in a nice pair of skinny jeans.” – said no girl, ever.— peetie rex (@ohpeetie) September 7, 2014
People who think it’s the changing of the leaves have it so wrong.
You know Fall’s here by when you walk outside and 57 bats pick you up and take you to their cave nest and you’re their mother now— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 5, 2015
At least he’s communicating.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly— Michael Flynn (@Home_Halfway) April 7, 2015
I got a rejection letter from NASA that said “The sky is the limit for you”— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) October 8, 2015
Well, time to head out and really party down in celebration of the big 2-1. It should be a ripping good time and I invite you all to join me. And then again next week when this thing turns 22. Pretty much just plan on partying for a while into the future because if there’s one thing wrong with the tweet below, it’s everything.
BREITBART: Has Weird Twitter Gone Out Of Style?— Thinkpiece Bot (@thinkpiecebot) October 6, 2015