Have you ever ripped open an interdimensional portal, walked through it, then realized maybe you’re not having a flashback…or is it just me? No, it can’t only be me. Surely we’re on Earth 2 right now. There’s no other way to explain the melting deer and the Jabberwock. We need help, we need a distraction, we need to gyre and gimble in the wabe. Thankfully, Chief Justice Roberts ensured we can all get the medical attention we need.
When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn't know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
— Pants (@onedumbshark) May 28, 2015
Ben, I’ve been meaning to ask you about this, as well.
*Editor hands me a paycheck*
Editor: you're disappointed? You didn't even open it
Me: it was my understanding there would be a free lance
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) June 24, 2015
The art of negotiating.
[sharpening an axe] "Oh I think we both know what my desired salary and personal weaknesses are, HR Representative Susan."
— Pants (@onedumbshark) June 24, 2015
The origins of the “just be nice” bumper sticker.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn't like me when I'm angry
Me: I don't like anyone when they're angry
— Picnic ruiner (@ruinedpicnic) June 18, 2015
A goose would be better.
Anyone can be a dad but it takes a real man to kick a swan in the face
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) June 21, 2015
As many as you can smuggle in should be fine.
How many falcons holding fireworks are "too many" to release during my daughter's dance recital?
— Bownuggets (@Bownuggets) June 17, 2015
These guys will handle any excess falcons.
I like to celebrate Father's Day by hiking up to the top of Badass Mountain and feeding raw deer meat to the pack of wolves that raised me.
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) June 21, 2015
I wish my kids got scared at night so I could try this.
"DADDY THERE'S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED"
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) March 2, 2015
Just kidding. My daughters will one day be able to say this, although I regularly threaten to feed them to velociraptors.
I may not be the hottest girl at this HotTopic® but I'm pretty sure I have the healthiest relationship with my dad
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) June 25, 2015
Although I may be raising them to talk like this.
"I could kill again if I had to" I whisper as I kiss him goodnight
— Smug Lemur (@Smug_Lemur) April 23, 2014
Which wouldn’t happen if the wife and I hadn’t also made this mistake.
If I were to have one regret as a parent, it would be that I taught my kids how to talk.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 23, 2015
At least they don’t do this.
This squirrel I adopted won't stay in it's crib or off my face.
— Julie Snark (@JulieSnark) June 23, 2015
I can relate.
Sure it's nice to let your kids be independent, but sometimes it's also nice to not have ketchup all over your kitchen.
— Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 24, 2015
I may have written things like this on cards for co-workers.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you'll see soon enough.
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) June 22, 2015
Free-range parenting.
ME: When your kids have expressed a need for independence, you have to let them go their own ways
THEM: How old are your kids?
ME: 6 and 4
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) June 24, 2015
He’s interrupted himself twice now, too.
I bet Kanye still hasn't stopped wishing himself a happy Father's Day.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) June 21, 2015
Right?
Imagine how far kanye could go if he just believed in himself
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) June 24, 2015
We should bring this tradition back.
Before the Internet people just walked around town screaming obscenities at each other all day
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) June 24, 2015
Racist.
im not racist but i absolutley hate marathons
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) June 24, 2015
Babies aren’t that tough.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
— Dr. Jimi Torosian (@jimmytorosian) June 20, 2015
There’s a reason I’ve heard glitter referred to as stripper flakes.
All that glitters is not gold. For instance, some of it is strippers and at least one is Richard Simmons.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) June 23, 2015
Speaking of strippers.
[At the Ballet]
Hub: [whispers] What is she doing?
Me: [whispers] A dance of seduction.
Hub: [whispers] Can I borrow a dollar?
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) March 25, 2015
Excellent question.
Think I've finally snared something in my dreamcatcher. Anyone know how to get it out?
— You're Honor (@OutOnTheMoors) June 22, 2015
Time to take Pinchy for a walk.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 5, 2014
But what if it’s a hex?
*son sneezes for the third time, I look at my wife with concern*
Wife: it's not a curse, it's pollen.
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) June 18, 2015
Is our children learning?
WEATHERMAN THAT DOESNT KNOW GEOGRAPHY: [pointing to Oklahoma] Um looks like a green amoeba is gonna swallow this weird frying pan today
— Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) June 21, 2015
Seriously, is they?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That'd be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) July 30, 2014
Priorities.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority"
cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) June 17, 2015
I once had a commenter whine quite a bit about me using this word. I threw him out a window.
"You look familiar…"
*nervous laugh
"No really… I swear I've seen you before…"
*Eye twitch
"…Are you on Twitter?
*defenestrates
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) June 22, 2015
Pets are awesome.
[first date]
"You're not into anything weird right?"
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) May 3, 2015
How to win friends and influence people.
When meeting new people let them smell your hand and become familiar with your scent before you pet them
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) June 9, 2015
Especially ones raised by Billy Ray Cyrus.
"Toddler" is Latin for "little wrecking ball that poops."
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2015
That’s why you get Prime.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.
"Daddy, where do babies come from?"
Amazon.
"Why's it take 9 months?"
Shipping. Go to sleep.
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) February 19, 2015
Maybe there was an Amazon drone getting ready to hit the kid.
I'm a very hands on parent, I say as I push my child out of my way
— One HotAss Mess (@McKnightyBoo) June 22, 2015
Whoops.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I'm going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I'M DAD
[both get shot]
— Terry F (@daemonic3) May 21, 2015
Inspiration comes from many sources.
[gets shot]
Taylor Swift: I got a bandaid
me: bandaids don't fix bullet holes!
TS: ooh, song idea! [leaves]
me: wait, Taylor! I'm so cold…
— huntigula (@huntigula) June 23, 2015
Same, but in my defense I was really hung over and it was my cat’s litter box.
Wait! How can you not like ME?!?
*flashbacks of me throwing up in your cat’s litter box*
Oh… right. Carry on.
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) June 23, 2015
It’s good to have a hobby.
Everybody knows that one guy at work who won't stop trying to summon ethereal beings from another dimension in the break room microwave.
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) June 22, 2015
True story.
[2 women driving together]
"Where do you want to eat?"
"I don't know, where do you want to eat?"
[drives for days, dies of starvation]
— Tweeterreader38 (@tweeterreader38) June 21, 2015
Seconded.
No mimes were harmed in the making of this tweet.
Dammit
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) June 19, 2015
It was all a trick by the National Raisin Reserve.
please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it's a round granola bar.
— ocean compulsion (@Kauaibride) June 25, 2015
Liar.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 20, 2015
Now, the tweet of the week. This one was found by Fancy Bill McMorris. I’ve notified the authorities.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, "Are you still holding the ladder?".
— d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) July 25, 2014
‘Til next week, kids. And don’t forget to enjoy the magic of sweet air, aka air conditioning. Unless you’re feeling bound by the latest encyclical.
I really hope the person who invented the air conditioner got laid everyday for the rest of their lives.
— Busted Flip Flops (@GrillinChillin9) June 24, 2015