Hans Fiene
Hans Fiene
Hans Fiene
Hans Fiene is a Senior Contributor to The Federalist. He is a Lutheran pastor in Illinois and the creator of Lutheran Satire, a series of comical videos intended to teach the Lutheran faith. Follow him on Twitter, @HansFiene .
Why Men and Women Can Never Be ‘Just Friends’

To destroy the Friend Zone, women must accept the following truths: you don’t have any guy friends and, in fact, you can’t have any guy friends.

The Left Hates Mike Pence For Loving His Wife Because They Don’t Really Think Men Can Be Evil

The latest Mike Pence furor is not really a clash of political ideologies. It’s a clash of anthropologies, a clash of two incompatible worldviews about human nature.

United Benefit Holders Aren’t The Only Ones Who Should Stop Wearing Leggings On Flights

Americans have developed a bad habit of dressing like slobs while flying, and it’s high time we experience some national shame over this.

5 Ways The Oscars Can Become Great Again By Emulating Donald Trump

Applying Donald Trump’s brand of anti-elitist populism to the Academy Awards in five easy steps can certainly make the Oscars great again.

Why It’s Terrible News That Millennials Are Having Less Sex

Pornography and social media are disincentivizing young people from pursuing real romantic relationships. That spells trouble for them and us all.

The Media-Sean Spicer Fight Over Crowd Numbers Is All About Insecurity

While it’s nice to see the fourth estate and the executive branch united in number crunching, America would be better served if our media and president sparred over any other issue.

Garrison Keillor Is On A Quest To Leave The Religion He Never Found

I find it strange that Garrison Keillor feels the need to move on. After all, liberal protestants don’t really see the Trump-voting, booger-eating Bible thumpers as their spiritual kin.

Feminism Is ‘Die Hard’s’ Hans Gruber, And Lena Dunham Its Harry Ellis

Just as Harry Ellis put on his salesman persona to ingratiate himself to violent thief Hans Gruber, Dunham put on her ‘Girls’ persona to win the approval of Angry Internet Feminism.

BuzzFeed Wants To Destroy Chip And Joanna Gaines For Being Christian And Wildly Popular

Chip and Joanna, HGTV superstars and perhaps America’s most beloved married couple, belong to a church whose pastor preaches that homosexuality is sinful. Horrors.

You Should Thank God That Your Kids Are Mediocre Athletes

Thank God that your kids haven’t displayed the athletic prowess necessary to trick you into spending a fortune you don’t have for a dream that will almost certainly never materialize.

4 Things To Pray For Now That The Election Is Over

Many of us prayed for the election beforehand. Now that it’s over, it’s time to pray again. In fact, those of us on all sides of the election can pray for the same things.

Comparing Trump To Beyonce Doesn’t Mean Christians Think All Sins Are Equal

None of my fellow conservative Christians would compare Trump’s words to other filthy speech if they believed he were guilty of something more heinous, namely sexual assault.

5 Ways To Handle The Creepy Clowns Infiltrating Your Neighborhood

Knowing how to respond to these circus-from-hell freaks is, like many moral quandaries, rather difficult.

Norm Macdonald’s Book Isn’t A Book, But It Is Hilarious

Norm Macdonald set out to write a memoir and ended up with something else entirely. That result is ab-convulsing proof that the underappreciated Macdonald stands heads and shoulders above his comedic peers.

8 Steps The Catholic Church Could Take To Approve Gay Marriage Like Tim Kaine Expects

Is there a genuine possibility that Rome could follow the example of mainline Protestantism and collectively shipwreck its faith? Tim Kaine thinks so. Here’s how it would happen.

Pumpkin Beer Is Super Gross

As one who sees the inherent value in both pumpkin and beer, I can confidently say that they don’t belong together. Their respective flavors pair as well as a chocolate and mustard milkshake.

How To Make The Bible Support Any Sexual Practice In 3 Easy Steps

These three simple steps will help you pave the next mile of the Sexual Liberation Expressway and get those Bible-believing bigots off the road.

Baby Haters Use Global Warming To Justify Their Selfishness

The only compelling reason to embrace the doomsdayers’ radical interpretation is that it pairs well with your aversion to sucking the snot of a toddler’s nose.

How To Explain Cop Killers To Kids

A little girl I know has learned there are people who have never even met her father but who want to take his life and the lives of other police officers.

No Matter How Many Priests ISIS Kills, They Can’t Win

Quite simply, God sent Father Hamel to forgive sins, and these satanically inspired agents of ISIS sent themselves to stop him.