99 sped off and headed south. His mind growing cloudy, he reached over to the passenger seat to see if anything there might rouse him. All he found was a sippy cup half-full of apple juice. The apple juice was of an indeterminate vintage, so he passed.
Looking in the backseat, he spotted a bag of caramel popcorn and decided to risk it. It was a little stale, but passable. He ruminated upon whether that was caramel corn’s natural state and continued flying down the road, no more awake than he’d been before the snack. It was then that an explosion burst across his windshield. One never knows what to expect on a desolate stretch of road, but 99 certainly hadn’t expected confetti.
He slammed on the brakes and slid into the shoulder, breathing hard and rubbing his eyes. As the bursts of lights and last remnants of the paper bomb drifted away, he saw a neon sign. Though he’d never considered himself a gentleman, on that night and in that moment, a venue specifically for gentlemen held a certain allure.
He got back in the car and headed toward his destination. Road signs suggested he was farther south than he had originally planned. While Viva Mexico had never called to him, he was still a bit peckish, thirsty. A Dairy Queen sign came in; it was calling to him.
99 took the exit and pulled into the drive-thru. It was then that things again got muddy. The last thing he remembered was demanding dairy-free options and the Dairy Queen employee dropping a random fact on him. After that, the lights went out.
If you turn a Dairy Queen cow upside down, you can serve a blizzard straight from its udders.
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) June 7, 2017
The wind rustled in his ears, blowing a pile of pamphlets under which he’d been sleeping. That’s when he heard the other noises. Unholy noises.
“Better out than in” I whisper as my demon horde escapes their magic prison and rampages across the kingdom.
— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) May 21, 2017
He knew he needed to get back on the move, but first he pulled a tattered notebook from his pocket.
That one with Bananarama again
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) May 19, 2017
As the air removed the last of the pamphlets from him, he pondered if he perhaps should have read one of them. Obviously, someone had something to say.
’twas a broody wind, pensive and dumpish as the dark halls from whence it held forth-
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) May 15, 2017
Standing up, he remembered his destination. There was a second neon sign, though it looked different than the first. He looked about to see if there was anyone else. There wasn’t. 99 headed into the doorway.
“We” don’t go there. You go there alone.
— Trudacious (@Trudacious) May 4, 2017
He opened the door to a stairwell. A man rushed past him and out into the night.
Quick I need some cocaine two bottles of cough syrup a bible and a case of dynamite no time for questions.
— Böb Vader Jr. Jänke (@Bob_Janke) May 11, 2017
His phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out and saw it was an email, though not a particularly useful one.
LinkedIn wants you to know that everyone in your network is making a career move, they’re all donning robes, holding knives, growing closer
— Lars Frumperstall (@underalls) May 9, 2017
On the other hand, it was a useful reminder.
What doesn’t kill you makes you extremely selective.
— O’ live (@offbeatoliv) March 23, 2017
He burst across the top of the stairs and made a proclamation. Perhaps he was still a bit peckish. Did he actually bother to eat at Dairy Queen? He couldn’t remember.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
— Rev Thurl Ravenscrof (@2tickytacky) April 30, 2015
It was then that he encountered the book club and realized he was quite the disruption. He attempted to apologize.
I am angry about many things, none of which I will allow you to remedy.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) May 5, 2017
Not that it wasn’t charming and a tad endearing.
He was a philosophical quipper.
He filled me with hatred. But hey, that’s something, ain’t it?
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) May 8, 2017
Another member of the club spoke up. No one was sure if she was describing a book she’d read or describing her life.
A gruesome and violent battle between a mysterious century-old demon and my unwillingness to let him abandon me.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) April 30, 2017
The woman to her left offered words of encouragement.
Going for the jugular just sounds like an unnecessary mess.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) May 4, 2017
99 realized it might be time for him to beat a retreat. Fortunately, he was always prepared for contingencies.
I find that carrying a sock puppet can get me out of almost any situation.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 5, 2017
As he rushed out, he heard the club’s final word about his interruption, though he suspected it was a bluff.
If I bitch about something and you counter with a logical, valid point, we probably won’t be friends for a solid 48 hours.
— Anna Grace (@graceful_asfuck) May 21, 2017
He was also curious about what his alibi thought about everything.
Are you real? I ask my puppet ten times a day every day. He hasn’t answered me. Yet.
— DaJay (@OrderOfTheVeil) December 29, 2016
Eh, whatever the puppet had to say was probably inconsequential anyway. He straightened himself up and headed back out into the night.
Aside from my homicidal rage and sadistic tendencies, I look completely normal. And realistically, that’s all that matters.
— Miserable Funds (@4SLars) June 3, 2017
In fact, he headed out with such ferocity, that he lost track of his destination and just sort of plowed ahead.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
— Boog (@BoogTweets) July 7, 2016
At first he tried to pass himself off as a professional. It didn’t go well.
I slam soap into my heart like Celine. “I like the acoustics,” I say to our realtor as I exit the shower. My husband angrily holds a towel.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) June 7, 2017
Though initially tense, the situation quickly de-escalated and 99 was treated to a story.
You guys want to hear the story of how I fell on my bathroom floor today with my pants around my ankles? Sure you do. Take a knee.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 6, 2017
Seizing opportunity, he backed out of the hole he’d created and into the driver’s seat of his car. Along the way, he passed a ladder.
Capricorn: You will cross the path of a black dog and a ladder will fall on your car. Or vice versa.
— Sorrow-scopes (@Sorrowscopes) May 25, 2017
99 took solace in the fact that the dog that came crashing through the top of his car was a St. Bernard. If he was to have a canine copilot delivered from the skies for the next leg of his journey, he preferred a chill rather than reflective one.
I don’t just wake up this unreasonable.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) June 4, 2017
He looked at the tag on the dog’s collar. He wasn’t prepared for what he saw.
I met a dog named Alan today.
— Damon Hunzeker (@DamonHunzeker) May 28, 2017
A commercial came on the radio. His copilot reached up and turned off the radio.
Commercial: We can help you surpass all your goals!
Me: No thanks. I’m good.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@SteussieErica) June 4, 2017
Then they both looked out the window. Something happened.
I was staring angrily out the front window thinking about swans and I accidentally made direct eye contact with a jogger. He looked scared.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) May 5, 2017
The jogger had a response.
Shrug your way to success.
— Lørd Frøy (@LordFroy) June 7, 2017
Though it meandered a bit from the original subject.
And now to be part of an important discursive community, motherfuckers.
— Natty Lumpo (@nattylumpo88) June 3, 2017
Speaking of discursive, 99 paused to study. One can never be too prepared.
Knife throwing is a valuable skill when you want your knives to quickly be on the other side of the room.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) June 3, 2017
As he considered all the possibilities he’d learned of in the past few hours, he slipped back into the driver’s seat. His chariot? Vintage.
hell I’d drive a fiero in a heartbeat what’s wrong with you people
— Fuzzlime (@fuzzlime) June 5, 2017
So vintage he planned to keep it forever.
Please bury me with countless priceless relics thank you
— Jess (@jessokfine) June 3, 2017
Along with a few other choice items.
There’s no act of trust quite like handing someone a sharp knife.
— stabbatha christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 4, 2017
First, though, 99 had plans.
I say we 3D print some thumbs for dolphins and see what happens.
— Ironballs McGinty (@IronballsMcGinT) May 31, 2015
Some of them nefarious.
I present myself at your summer house with a letter of introduction and a low-key secret agenda
— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) June 4, 2017
It was then that it hit him, again.
*tossing full rolls of paper towels and Post-It pads in the air in celebration
“There’s got to be a better way!”
-Inventor of Confetti
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) May 31, 2017
He pulled over and saw a group of men in a scuffle. He wished he was prepared, but was anxious for the fray
I always thought knife fights were kind of impromptu.
— ʆℴ Ɗเ꒸꒸เƚყ (@WhaJoTalkinBout) May 27, 2017
Alas, it was not a vicious battle, but a bachelor party. 99 slipped into the party bus with the revelers and tossed back a few Jell-O shots. They churned in his stomach and he again found himself wishing he’d gotten something to eat at DQ instead of arguing with the staff.
Sorry I threw up on your miracles happen t-shirt.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) May 30, 2017
The man, or “man,” wearing said T-shirt was oddly unperturbed. He stuck out his hand and introduced himself as Brent. 99 wasn’t having it and got in his face.
Use the word kinetic so I know you’re a bloodsucking cyborg.
— Crow Magnum (@distracted_monk) June 6, 2017
Brent was impressed with 99’s challenge and decided not to kill him. He didn’t want him hanging around the party either. They were almost to the gentleman portion of the evening and 99 was not dressed for such an affair. Brent was, despite having metal legs. And arms.
It’s hard to believe but if you wear a top hat to work EVERY DAY eventually your coworkers won’t even notice it. Then the monocle.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) May 20, 2017
99 knew what he had to do. He had to finish what he had started, so he headed off in search of answers, in search of closure. Also, perhaps, in search of a snack.
me: I have traveled far and wide and only here have I truly found myself
cashier: this is a grocery store and you’re buying a jar of olives
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) May 4, 2017
His hunger finally sated, he emerged from the store and began planning his next adventure. A noise caught his attention; as he turned his head, he scowled.
A shopping cart skeleton emerges from the creek bed. Extraordinary, in that no one can think where the nearest store with carts might be.
— Cady Starr (@northstarr_cady) May 18, 2017
99 knew where the store was, but he decided to head out for a cold one instead. He was a man with a plan, and some time to kill.
I’m going to wear one of those police dog training suits and tackle people playing darts in a pub.
— taffy bennïngton (@singwithTaffy) March 15, 2017
Back in the car, 99 popped in the soundtrack for the next leg of his journey. Alan gave an approving bark before presenting 99 with a small barrel of brandy. 99 tipped his head back and took a wee sip before putting the Fiero in gear.
He hit the gas and the pair headed down the road, pamphlets flying from the windows and coming to rest on a man who had stopped on the side of the road and laid down for a nap. The pair didn’t notice the man, though, for they had their eyes on a new opportunity.
They pulled into the parking lot. Alan stayed behind to guard the Fiero while 99 confidently strode into the sanctuary. He wasn’t sure what would happen next, which was a large part of the allure. It was also why he had his emergency sock puppet and a knife ready to go. He took a deep breath and began to speak, his lips moving ever so slightly, while Alan climbed into the driver’s seat and readied the getaway car.
*pulls out ventriloquist dummy* I’ve prepared a speech
— mad dog (@whatmaddness) June 5, 2017