Few people realize that wolves and ancient wolf-like dogs aren’t the only canines that once roamed the earth, predating like the bosses they are and seeking out cave paintings depicting the question, “Who’s a good boy?” There was another pack of canines, ones that were early-adopters of the fine art of canine specialization: Welsh Corgis.
The breed started with just four small dogs that the wolves and other ancients used to herd the giant otters that provided roughly 73% of their nourishment. Those four, much like the Pevensie children, ended up breaking off and going on some adventures that may or may not have involved centaurs, minotaurs, and other GMO animals.
Eventually, the four arrived in Wales and begin growing their numbers, both through recruitment of other small herding dogs with perky ears and the more traditional way of gaining descendants. They were not to live in obscurity, though. No, they would attain their glory, much like the Pevensie children, by saving the king from a pack of murderous Utahraptors, the largest of the raptors but also the raptor with the lamest name.
It was a fierce battle, what with the Corgis running around the raptors’ legs and the raptors struggling to reach them with their really short arms, but ultimately the question of “who’s a good boy?” was decided in favor of the furry creatures rather than the feathered ones.
From there the dogs went on to hold a place of special prominence in the royal court, although the aforementioned shortness of their limbs prevented them from dominating there as they had in the wild. It offered a sting they could never really get past.
him: haha you're the best
me: [whispering] I suck at basketball
him: omg just take the compliment
me: [whispering] I can't even do a layup
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) December 14, 2016
Give pets the hottest style this season and make it look like they’ve been battling a swarm of velociraptors.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: I think it gives my mother-in-law's chihuahua an agreeably dramatic appearance.
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) January 14, 2017
They’re only extinct if you believe them in your heart to be extinct. Or if things went horribly wrong, again, and you had do bomb the island.
Jurassic Park except instead of dinosaurs they have extinct species of pigeons.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 19, 2017
His theme music is dope though.
Paleontologists discover a prehistoric shark that won't quit talking about himself and grossly overestimates his abilities.
— Doktor J (@doktorj) January 26, 2017
I knew hiring this guy as my chief researcher and geneticist was a mistake.
Those that can, do.
Those that can't, teach.
[cut to me assembling my new girlfriend from toilet roll tubes]
And then there's him.
— Tups (@Tups13) January 14, 2017
Plus it makes the wild animals who creep and crawl in the night work a little harder.
I don't sleep naked, bc I'm scared I'll die in my sleep.
— Supes (@web_supergirl) January 25, 2017
This was how Michael Crichton first started “Jurassic Park.”
Of course I forgive you!!
*furiously scribbles in journal*
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) January 5, 2017
“The raptors are a tad unpredictable.”
I wrote about you in my journal
— Shellz (@HeyoShellz) January 23, 2017
It was then that the large flock of Compsognathus swarmed on the unsuspecting young man.
The boy on the platform in Zagreb offered me a lollipop.
"Who loves you, baby?" he smiled and walked on.
We waved as the train pulled away.
— Crazy Myra (@OutOnTheMoors) January 24, 2017
That’s why you keep Slayer’s “Reign in Blood” on repeat all the live long day.
Have kids so every day can be like a heavy metal concert. Complete with moshing and incomprehensible screaming.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 25, 2017
There are fragments of dinosaur eggs here and there.
How to tell if your house is haunted
Creepy children hanging around
You're scared a lot
— Böb Bad Hombre Jänke (@Bob_Janke) January 25, 2017
With that sort of attitude you’ll never take over the theme park and command the t-rexes to do your bidding.
Have you guys seen my apathy? It's super cute. Oh never mind. I don't care.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) January 26, 2017
If I didn't leave everything till the last minute, I wouldn't get to rush around singing the Mission Impossible theme song nearly as much
— Cam (@GinAndJif) January 20, 2017
This infuriates the bipedal animals because it isn’t a game, but the essence of their existence.
(finger 1/4 inch from your nose)
I'm not touching you…I'm not touching you…
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 19, 2017
Eventually, Doomasaurus was right, but by then he was alone and destitute having made his proclamation one too many times.
Sign: "The End Is Near"
Us: Promises, promises
— The Untastic Mr Fitz (@UnFitz) January 22, 2017
Depends on if the wolf is one of those fancy hypoallergenic varieties and also if they chew your nose off.
*about to fall asleep*
Brain: Are people that are allergic to dogs, allergic to wolves?
— OG_Ballpit (@Ballpit_Gangsta) January 25, 2017
But are there raptors in that reality?
You say insane, I say alternate reality
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) January 24, 2017
This sequel to “Gone Girl” looks promising.
um my uber driver just told me that if I don't help her rob this mini mart she's gonna drop me off at a cemetery by the beach. wtf
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) January 19, 2017
What about things that were hatched in a laboratory?
According to astrology your sign is known for being ridiculous. No matter which month you were born.
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) January 23, 2017
Sometimes natural selection needs a little push.
"How much is that piñata? It's for a kids' party"
"Sir, that's a beehive"
"I SAID HOW MUCH?"
— Craig Deeley (@craiguito) January 25, 2017
And now for a word from my sponsor. Who is also known as me.
Daddy. Can you teach me how to read?
Not now son. Daddy has to preach to online strangers about stuff I know nothing about.
— Salamingia (@salamingia) January 19, 2017
Yeah, but there’s no reasoning with an angry swarm of predators, awakened after millions of years, and pissed about having genes from a cute little frog inserted in their sequence.
If you had allowed me to genuinely earn your disdain, it would have been far more gratifying for both of us.
— Kimtopher (@kimtopher22) December 29, 2016
This isn’t a brains kind of operation, to quote Mr. Longbaugh.
no serious inquiries, please.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) May 25, 2016
That’s what I’m talking about.
[receives intellectual praise]
I should probably buy myself a lobster. No. Two lobsters.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) January 23, 2017
Geese were invented in 1922 when some kids threw a bunch of saxophones into the air.
— Dominic Caruso (@DominicCaruso1) January 20, 2017
Just make sure you’re ruminating upon geese.
I just spent the last 3 weeks hiding in Jared Leto's attic again.
— Handsome Baby (@Ilovelamp1979) January 18, 2017
Also think about what you did here.
PHYSIO [massaging my knee] I'm going to add some tension now
PHYSIO: I really like your legs
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 24, 2017
It’s also good for angry predators and people hiding in the attic.
I always keep a gun under my pillow for emergencies. For instance: if I forgot to turn off the lights, but I'm already lying down
— Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) July 1, 2016
Or cats who just don’t speak your language.
Do you think a Cat from Istanbul can talk with a Cat from, say, Pasadena?
Or is one cat like "I like your eyes" & the other's like "Tuna"
— David Acuff (@DavidAcuff) January 24, 2017
Sorry, cat from Istanbul.
If you feel like I don't like you it's probably best if you go with your gut
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) January 2, 2017
Jokes on you since we named one of the attractions “Kombucha.”
My resolution is to work "kombucha" into a conversation every day until people stop talking to me.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) January 9, 2017
Yes, you may be on a mission, a dangerous one at that. Don’t use that as an excuse to not look your very best.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be boys who make fun of fashion trends and wear the same shades for 3 decades
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) January 26, 2017
If Chihuahuas aren’t your thing.
My reputation as a great teacher of parkour is a bit undeserved.
I just squirt tomato sauce on people and my gang of feral cats give chase.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) January 22, 2017
The person in charge of this operation, well, she’s a little different, as you might expect.
*turns around in my chair and I'm stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I've been expecting you.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 23, 2017
This isn’t a terrible idea, though.
Ringling Brothers closed down because they accidentally used one of those fumigation tents instead of a normal tent and gassed everyone
— Mayor P (@punmagnate) January 18, 2017
She has sugar in her pockets. She’s sorry it’s not in packets.
This is not my cup of tea
has anyone seen my cup of tea
— Snowflake Cher (@House_Feminist) January 17, 2017
The raptors smell great, so chalk that up to a win.
Used a bath bomb for the first time. Surprise! it didn't work, still here.
— L'Boxy L’Roxy (@laboxalaroxa) January 17, 2017
Well, the more excitable dinosaurs could turn on you in one final meta result of bad decisions.
You keep saying 'bad decisions' like I'm going to run out.
— Miss Muse (@bevandeveire) January 26, 2017
Way ahead of you here.
Call me a romantic, but i hope animals will revolt and eat us all.
— FRANKENFRECKLE (@gothicaseas) June 16, 2016
Don’t encourage the other employees to eat the shoppers.
I lost my job at Home Depot for walking around the store with a piece of banister offering people fresh ground pepper.
— Joel (@joeljeffrey) January 5, 2017
She can’t handle the truth.
I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2017
It’s a solid plan. Now pass the Fanta.
Fuck it. I'm gonna be a juggalo.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 24, 2017
Think of them as snacks, perhaps distractions, you can fling here and there to thwart the Utahraptors attempting to surround you.
Hey, other chicks with longass hair, you ever just find shit in it? Forgotten bobby pins, leaves, tiny rat babies?
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) January 24, 2017
It’s evolution happening in real time, enjoy it.
Pretty sure a civet got on the treadmill next to me this morning. I didn't look over; I've heard they get confrontational with eye contact.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) January 20, 2017
As my uncle used to say, “They’re all good boys, even if they’re girls.” He was a bit of an odd fellow.
Thank you for correcting me on the sex of your dog.
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) July 17, 2016
But then one of the -aurs showed back up.
Me: None of this is real. Not even you.
Furry Blue Centaur: Maybe you should get some rest.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) January 16, 2017
Though thwarted in their plans to dominate the court in all the ways they dreamed about, the royal Corgis went on to produce a plethora of offspring. The other members of the royal court did as well, though history doesn’t always treat them as kindly as it does the dogs. The minotaurs and centaurs receded into the woodwork and life became less erratic, particularly with regard for the possibility of attack by vengeful prehistoric reptiles.
Such is the circle of life. For as Dr. Ian Malcolm reminds us, “Oh, yeah. Oooh, ahhh, that’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running and um, screaming.”
All descriptions of me eventually include the word “intrigue.” We can't escape our destiny.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) January 24, 2017