James Ball (really? He has the sex beat?) at BuzzFeed reports on a new study of 19,000 people in five European countries that found “very right-wing” people are the most satisfied with their sex lives. Center-right people, however, were slightly less satisfied than centrists, and it all went down from there.
“The old rules about correlation not equalling causation always apply,” study publisher Joe Twyman of YouGov told Ball. “Being very right wing doesn’t make you sexually satisfied, but nonetheless, these results suggest it is, in contrast to at least some stereotypes popular in the political world, those on the very right of the political spectrum who enjoy their sex life the most.”
This is only surprising to cultural libertines, who have for a century (Alfred Kinsey, anyone? Freud?) if not more maligned their political opposition with implications and outright statements that we conservatives are oh, so dull in bed. Don’t tell my husband, because I don’t want that to happen to us, okay?
But the research, like this and a good deal more, actually suggests people who align their behavior to conservative mores reap fabulous rewards—in bed and elsewhere. Because women are more vulnerable than men, we gain the most benefits from the clear sexual boundaries and expectations that traditional morality teaches, but since it takes two to tango and men are people too we both definitely benefit. So here are 12 reasons conservative women have the best sex.
1. We’re Okay With Men and Women Being…Men and Women
You know what’s not appealing? Amorously reaching for an erogenous zone and finding the wrong body part there. Also not appealing: Men acting like women and women acting like men.
Now, some of you reading this are already thinking, “There she goes, gender stereotyping!” You can think that all you want, but it’s not going to get you laid (except maybe by a lesbian, but she’s not interested in you). Research has shown that women are attracted to masculine features, such as stubble, taller height, a deep voice, a strong chest and arms. The levels of testosterone a man has influences his level of such “masculine” features and indicate a healthier man, so it’s not just arbitrary values society “assigns” to desirable physical features.
Conversely, men are generally attracted to women with womanly voices, who walk like a woman (hips don’t lie), are more emotionally responsive, and other feminine traits. Just as with men, these behaviors and physical traits indicate higher levels of estrogen, which likewise predicts female health. So, in other words, men who are more masculine and women who are more feminine are both more likely to have better genes and overall health, which people, in turn, naturally find sexy.
While liberals hate this reality, conservatives are all about correspondence between biology and gender. Looks like sexual attraction is, too. How fun for us (and better for the human gene pool).
2. Waiting for Something Makes It Better
The people who are least likely to divorce are those who saved sex for marriage. Who supports both ideals (lasting marriages and saving sex for it)? The Right. (And religious people, a larger proportion of which are within the political right, and who have by far the best sex. Science says.) Fewer sex partners and deciding not to cohabitate are also linked with better relationships between sex partners, which itself leads to better sex.
Anyone who has ever gone on a fast or given up something she loves for Lent can understand why. Delicious things are so much better when you wait for them. In fact, an individual’s level of self-control is perhaps the greatest predictor of happiness in life. Saving sex is an obvious indicator of an individual’s ability to control himself (or herself!). Since you can consciously develop self-control, it follows that practicing it in this arena would have positive effects, both on your sex life and your life more broadly.
3. A Lower Number of Sex Partners Makes for Better Sex
If you’ve had fewer sex partners, you are more likely to have a good relationship with your sex partner, which as I mentioned above leads to better sex. Increasing numbers of sex partners correlate with mental and physical maladies, including substance abuse, emotional fragility, sexually transmitted diseases (duh), and cervical cancer. Research has also found that, specifically for men, more sex partners predicts lower sexual satisfaction.
4. The More You Do It With One Person, the More You Both Like It
Familiarity breeds pleasure, with the height of this concept being marriage. No surprise, then, that married women have better sex. A 2013 review of the research of heterosexual women’s sexual satisfaction found:
Women in an intimate relationship with mutual trust reported a higher level of satisfaction. Married women reported higher sexual satisfaction than singles….The consistent link in the literature between relationship quality and level of sexual satisfaction suggests that sexual satisfaction, as experienced in the lives of most people, is essentially an ’emergent property’ of our intimate contact and relationships, rather than a merely personal, private, and solitary experience or a skill to be mastered alone in one’s basement. Good relationships and satisfying sex go hand in hand.
5. Turns Out Hookups Aren’t Very Sexy
Earlier this year I summarized another study that found: “Women are twice as likely to reach orgasm when having sex with a longtime partner as they are during a hookup. Two in five will orgasm during a hookup, but four in five will with a committed lover.”
If you want lots of fun sex, turns out marriage is your best bet for getting it. One of the most comprehensive studies comparing the sex lives of singles and married people found “less than five percent of singles between the ages of 25 and 59 have sex two-to-three times a week, while a quarter of married people do—five times the rate. Also, while 61 percent of singles reported that they hadn’t had sex within the past year, only 18 percent of married people said the same.” This and other studies found that, consequently, married people are a lot happier and in better health, because they are having sex so much more.
6. We Know Chaotic Love Lives and Missing Parents Suck
Even liberal social scientists have finally come around to publicly admitting that unwed baby-making creates a huge amount of harmful chaos for all involved, perhaps most especially for the most vulnerable people involved: the kids. Even if all sexually active people had perfect birth control use (which they don’t, and never will), even the most effective chemical contraception has about a 2 percent “miss rate.” That means unintended babies unfairly born into suboptimal circumstances.
Conservatives’ general push for responsible sex therefore logically leads to an emphasis on sex within marriage—for the children’s sake. That’s because inside an intact home with her two married, biological parents is the absolutely best, gold-standard environment for a child. A lack of marriage is the biggest contributor to economic and social inequality. People who actually care about vulnerable children and people would talk about this, and encourage structures that help restore people’s lives, which lifts all of society. That would be conservatives.
Oh, and by the way, your parents’ marital status is big contributor to how safe and stable your sex life is. Who knew?
7. We Know Sex Isn’t Everything
The Left obsesses about sex—Hillary Clinton’s whole platform is essentially “vote for my vagina”—but obviously they’re not getting as much. The Right clearly just goes and does it, then gets on with their happy lives. You tell me who the winner is here.
8. We’re Not Scared of Children
Everyone by now knows that the Democratic Party’s latest platform demands abortion up until the moment of birth, compulsively sponsored by all taxpayers. Not surprisingly, the Republican Party’s platform instead rejects abortion in favor of dignity for every human life.
Look: Babies are evidence you did a good job with sex. They’re a sign of health and vitality (not to mention both adorable and awe-inspiring, given that they’re an entirely new creature created from two itty bitty cells). Conservatives love babies, and that means we love sex. All of it, and all that it means. Democrats? Not so much.
9. Marriage Alleviates Relationship Anxiety
Marriage is the ultimate “define the relationship.” So no more existentially awkward worries during sex that he’s comparing you with his previous five sexcapades—those were all with you. No more petty manipulation in a desperate effort to get him to finally declare he won’t ditch you for the next hot chick. No more unknowns about how clean his bathroom is, assuming the other person took care of birth control, or watching the clock. Set it and forget it.
10. Pornography Is a Proven Libido-Killer
Research is by now pretty conclusive that porn use depresses sex drive and sexual enjoyment, and can even create erectile dysfunction. Reducing and stopping use reverses these problems. Who advocates that? Oh, right: the Right.
11. We Actually Care About Women
You tell me who cares about women more, and under which sort of scenario women are most likely to feel protected, desirable, and cherished: When people tell her that being on call as a live sex toy is fulfilling, or tell her the truth that her best chances for a happy, healthy sex life (and for her children’s happiness and safety) are committing for life to one sex partner within marriage? When people beat down anyone who raises qualms about porn, or point out that porn use trains men to degrade women? When the Left’s push for “limitless” “morality-free” sex converts young women into objects for young men to use and abuse, or the Right’s desire to protect women so they can choose to have sex when they are emotionally ready and know what they’re getting into with full, honest, and objective information?
It’s pretty obvious to me.
12. We’re Romantics At Heart
Sex is the most fun and likely to happen often when you know and fully trust the man you’re with, and when he has many layers of incentives, habits, and dispositions towards loving you. That’s most ultimately accomplished by the super-romantic idea of him committing to “love her, comfort her, honor her, and keep her in sickness and in health and, forsaking all others, be husband to her as long as you both shall live,” and her promising him the same. In this cynical era, it’s the height of romanticism to commit to such things.
What has the Left got as an alternative? Sex consent contracts. Downright romantic, eh? “Sign this paper so I can fuck you without having to deal with any of the consequences.” What a ladykiller.
Well, you all can have that approach to sex. I’m going to keep my super-sexy husband, who doesn’t need any contracts, demands, controls, or feminization yet somehow has figured out just what I like even better than I know myself. Here’s hoping more of you can say the same with your own man who’s committed to you forever.