Disney isn’t even trying to give us anything new anymore.
Here’s the 90-second teaser trailer for the upcoming live-action version of “Beauty And The Beast” which debuted Monday on “Good Morning America.”
In the trailer, Lumiere and Cogsworth are overheard whispering to one another.
Lumiere: ‘Look, a girl!’
Cogsworth: ‘Yes, I can see it’s a girl, you fool!’
Lumiere: ‘What if she’s the one?’
Sound familiar? Oh yeah, maybe because that’s literally the exact same exchange these two had in 1991.
Hmm, that torn painting sure looks like something we’ve seen once before.
OH WAIT.
Give the music a listen — Disney is re-using the exact same music from the old prologue!
I mean, why fix what isn’t broken, right?
Here’s how the conversation probably went down among the Disney big-wigs.
Studio Executive 1: “Hey boss, I have an idea that’ll make us a boatload of cash next year.”
Studio Executive 2: “Re-release ‘Beauty and the Beast’ from the Disney Vault?”
Studio Executive 1:”Even better, we will REMAKE that movie, only this time we’ll use actual actors instead.”
Studio Executive 2: “Go on.”
Studio Executive 1: “We’ll use the exact same script, no need to re-record the soundtrack, because we already have it. We just need a big castle to film at. And now that ‘Downton Abbey’ is over, I think we can use Highclere Castle at a discounted rate.”
Studio Executive 2: “Love it!”
Pirating their older films seems to be all that Disney does anymore, and a quick glance at some of biggest upcoming films — “Finding Dory,” “The Jungle Book,” and “Pete’s Dragon,” to name a few — drives that point home.
I’m not knocking all remakes. Some can be good — Disney’s live-action version of “Cinderella” starring Lily James has plenty of fans among Federalist writers. In the newer version of the story, there were some significant plot-line variations. For example, we know what happened to Cinderella’s mother, why her father was so elusive, and we get a closer look at those glass slippers.
The teaser trailer for “Beauty and the Beast,” however, doesn’t indicate the remake will add anything of significant value to the story, and I’m not alone in this thought.
Fairy tales are made to be retold. But a "same characters, same songs" remake isn't a retelling, just a cash-in: https://t.co/hSsp7btzIa
— Ross Douthat (@DouthatNYT) May 23, 2016
Maybe my hunch is wrong. Perhaps Belle’s preference for getting it on with not-entirely-human creatures will get explored further, or details about the Beast’s family will come to light. Who knows!
But that’s not what they’re selling. Disney isn’t promising to give us answers to important questions or add additional backstory to the characters we’ve come to know and love. They’re attempting to profit off nostalgia by marketing the film as being exactly the same as the original — and that ticks me off.
