Nine-and-a-half hours of secret snooping, 15 evidence boxes, and a jaunt through the former first lady’s closet later, it’s unclear what exactly FBI agents were looking for and ultimately recovered during their raid of former President Donald Trump’s home in Florida.
Given the bureau’s long track record of malfeasance, however — concocting an elaborate Russia collusion hoax, branding conservative parents as domestic terrorists, labeling anodyne right-wing symbols as extremist dog whistles, entrapping Americans in plots to kidnap radical governors, concluding a stand-off by murdering dozens of children, rigging an election by hiding information that harmed their preferred candidate, and egging on protesters and rioters before branding them as insurrectionists, just to name a few — it isn’t too hard to imagine that some of the things the FBI recovered from Mar-a-Lago weren’t recovered at all, but planted.
We won’t know what the FBI found at Trump’s domicile until somebody leaks it to the media as part of a calculated, pre-election info-op, but here are 20 best guesses as to what they might have, shall we say, contributed.
1. Cocaine from the Hunter Biden Evidence Shed
Evidence that’s been wrongly labeled as “disinformation” is the easiest kind to inconspicuously lift and plant in the residence of a former president.
2. Glossy 8×10 of Vladimir Putin
With “I <3 Putin” scrawled across the front in black marker that just happens to be the exact same color and thickness as the FBI markers used to label the evidence boxes.
3. Joe Biden Voodoo Doll
Pins are sticking out of its head because, see? Biden isn’t senile! It’s Trump’s fault.
4. An Inscription in a 2021 Playboy Calendar
It’s the only marking in the otherwise crisp planner. On the little square for Jan. 6, it reads, “Remember to do insurrection.”
5. Magazine Clippings of Volodymyr Zelensky Photos Marred with Scribbled Devil Horns
6. A Handwritten Note
It declares, “Ray Epps is a hero and definitely not a fed.”
7. A Diary
From the entry on page one:
December 31, 2021 — I’m so mad. The only reason I colluded with Russia to steal the 2016 election was to get close enough to AOC to date her, but she keeps rejecting me. I now have no choice but to project my sexual frustrations onto her boyfriend’s feet and spend the evening curled up watching my fellow white supremacists on Fox News. Wish I could tweet about it.
8. Official Typed and Notarized Memo to File
It’s dated two weeks before the 2020 election but includes a notary stamp dated August 8, 2022, and says: “I, Donald Trump, believe that Joe Biden will receive 81,268,924 votes in the safest and most secure election in American history and become our most popular legitimately elected president ever. Also, Joe Biden definitely doesn’t have Alzheimer’s, and his son Hunter is a victim of the vast, right-wing conspiracy.”
9. Crack from the Hunter Biden Evidence Shed
Also previously labeled “disinformation” and not to be confused with the separate cocaine stash.
10. Dartboard with Nancy Pelosi’s Face on It
The FBI has it labeled with an evidence tag reading, “Drumpf’s plans to assassinate the Speaker.”
11. Flash Drive with BOMBSHELL Video of Trump Allegedly Cavorting with Underage Sex-Trafficking Victims
Except the video is clearly from Hunter Biden’s laptop, it’s obvious somebody used a free online meme template to replace the crackhead with Trump’s head, and the file properties show it was created on Aug. 9 in the FBI’s Washington Field Office by somebody with the username “cwray.”
12. Meth from the Hunter Biden Evidence Shed
Not to be confused with the separate cocaine and crack stashes.
13. A Hideous Women’s Dress, Size 4
Because we know the FBI didn’t find one of these in its secret pillage of Melania’s wardrobe… and what else are the media supposed to talk about at Christmastime?
14. A ‘Let’s Go, Brandon’ Foam Finger
It’s sticking out of a box labeled, “VIOLENCE.”
15. A Framed Transcript of Trump’s Charlottesville Remarks
The phrase “Very Fine People” adorns the top of the page in a title script. But for space, the words, “and I’m not talking about the neo-Nazis and the white nationalists, because they should be condemned totally,” have been edited out.
16. Heroin from the Hunter Biden Evidence Shed
You know the drill.
17. A VHS Copy of the Pee Tape
Labeled “this thing I totally did.”
18. Photocopy of the FBI’s Plans To Kidnap Gretchen Whitmer
Turns out it was Trump all along.
19. Body Paint
One black tube is labeled “for racist parties only — NO PHOTOS.” And an orange tube is marked “for all other days.”
20. Professional-Grade Rhinoceros Tranquilizers from the Hunter Biden Evidence Shed
No explanation necessary.