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John Cena And Joel Osteen Fight For Fortune Cookie Supremacy

After becoming aware of the Wrestler’s Twitter feed, Joel Osteen challenges John Cena to a cage match to settle who is the king of empty platitudes.


In the year of Our Lord 1999, under the tutelage of Master Oogway, a fortune cookie gained sentience. He was known as Joel Osteen and his tidbits of mostly nonsensical if universally applicable wisdom brought him acclaim and spoils. Oh, so many spoils.

As Master Oogway said to him before sending him out into the world, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called present.”

For years, Osteen’s dominance remained undisputed. Every day was a gift. But then a challenger emerged: wrestler/actor/China-apologist John Cena.

When not busy kowtowing to the chief content officer of the Motion Picture Association of America, it seems Cena increasingly likes to offer platitudes and bromides similar to those upon which Osteen built his empire. Cena’s fortune cookie bona fides also most likely have significantly more support from the country that did not invent them.

Sorry, you’re a racist for not knowing that the fortune cookie you receive with your General Tso’s chicken — assuming Tso was a general or even that he existed — is not a Chinese treat. You should have taken the time to do the work. Your lucky numbers are “White” and “Privilege.”

Anyway, back to Cena. He’s really been attempting to suplex Osteen at nonsensical bits of seemingly wise vagaries. One tweet from Cena reads, “Spend less on buying into the hype and invest more on self, values, relationships, the present, and the future.” (Present, hmmm?)

Another informs us that “Chaos will always find its way into life. It can serve as a reminder to be grateful for those we love and those who love us.”

Osteen, known for his own brilliant observations such as, “Living in regrets will keep you from new opportunities; reliving your mistakes will stop the new favor … as long as you’re looking back at the old, you won’t see the new,” could not abide such a challenge.

As such, the preacher, not wanting to live in regrets and miss seeing the new, decided to vanquish his potential rival before the latter had time to remember the chaos and challenged him to a cage match.

While Cena was the heavy favorite to win, despite their evenly matched sizes and fighting styles, it was a brutal match. Osteen not only held his own for the first few rounds, he thrived.

For as he once said, “Make up your mind that no matter what comes your way, no matter how difficult, no matter how unfair, you will do more than simply survive. You will thrive in spite of it.”

That lasted until the third round, when his prosperity and ability to thrive seemed to be declining as Cena clotheslined him, yelling, “You can’t see me!”

Osteen quickly parried, however, climbed on the ropes, and shouted, “Every time the opposition tells you no, you need to go back and tell it yes one more time. Don’t let the enemy have the last word. Keep declaring faith; keep speaking favor. Keep calling yourself blessed, free, healthy, victorious.”

As soon as he concluded that uplifting micro-sermon, Osteen leaped from the top rope, delivering a devastating corkscrew shooting star press. He then finished Cena by walloping him in the head with a large, unopened Bible.

Before raising his hands in victory and proclaiming himself the champion, Osteen was heard saying, “I knew that thing would come in handy one day.”