Almost all the candidates running in the Democratic Party primary are currently not running to become president of the United States, but of the internet. This is causing them to scramble leftward across each other in an attempt to win the Twitter primary.
Front-runner Joe Biden, despite leading with the majority that doesn’t live online, is as susceptible as the rest. Given the renewed discussion about gun control, he had this to say on Thursday: “It violates no one’s Second Amendment rights to say you can’t own certain weapons. You’re not allowed to own a bazooka; you can’t own a flamethrower.”
There are several problems with this. First, it completely ignores the plight of Wile E. Coyote, for whom bazookas, explosives, and various rocket- and flame-powered devices procured from the Acme Corporation are integral to his quest to get the Roadrunner.
Second, it’s totally legal to own flamethrowers in every state in the union, with only a license required in Maryland and a modified nozzle for California purchases. Elon Musk’s Boring Company even sold 20,000 of them back in 2018.
The thing is, flamethrowers are not considered firearms and have legitimate uses, like clearing ice and snow, adding a bit of flair to live performances, attempting to catch nemeses, and stopping alien invasions. Also, they’re just awesome. So maybe it’s time for Biden to issue one of those corrections for which he’s becoming internet-famous.
First, let’s take a look at the Boring Company model, which is labeled “Not a Flamethrower.” There may be a reason for that.
Maybe you don’t need to get rid of brush and ice, but you do need to make a piñata and some balloons disappear after a birthday party. (Skip ahead to 7:53.)
Or perhaps you’re just sick of how Hollywood gets things wrong.
There’s also the opportunity for awesome slow-motion video.
Maybe you’re just a small businessman trying to keep the government off your back.
Do you have some things that need to be burned, but you don’t want to get out of your lawn chair? There’s a tool that enjoys bipartisan support for that: flying robots.
There’s also the aforementioned chance of alien infestation. For alien infestation, you need fire. You also need the assurance that this fire works properly. While flamethrowers are not weapons, sometimes the only thing standing between a bad shape-shifting alien and the good guys is diesel and flame.
While few would quibble with Biden’s argument that the Second Amendment doesn’t allow for citizens to buy any and all weapons (although I would), the United States of America has reached a federalist-powered consensus that there’s nothing wrong with throwing a little flame. As the videos above have shown, we’re better off as a nation when we and our sons and daughters can do it.
Heading into 2020, it’s important to remember that we’re unlocking new technologies and reaching new heights of innovation and exploration. Musk isn’t afraid to dream about those heights and innovations, which is why he’s attempting private space travel. It may also be why Boring Company released the flamethrower in the first place.
In space, you never know what you might find. A shotgun or pistol might breach the hull, or the ones Biden approves of might not hold enough rounds to get the job done. In such cases, fire is the tool you need to show malicious aliens what a free people can do, although Musk might want to increase the range on his next model. As the Boy Scout motto goes, be prepared.
