Father Of 9 Posts Hilarious Craiglist Ad Selling Family Van
Juliana Knot
By

Most car salesmen try to downplay the flaws of the vehicles they’re selling. Not this guy.

Josh Wood, a Texas dad, went on Craigslist to sell his 2005 Ford XL Extended passenger van. The behemoth vehicle seats 15 and served his family of 11 well over the past 143,000 miles. However, he wants potential buyers to know exactly what they’re getting into before dropping any cash on his offer.

The post, put up a little more than a week ago, goes on to list all of the problems with the 15-seater. Any parents who have had to cart kids to soccer practice and school recitals can surely relate. For example, the side door is missing a speaker, but in its place is a super-secret chicken nugget treasure box.

The van is missing a speaker in the side door. My kids have been throwing random items in the speaker hole for years. So, you may end up with some very special treasures. Or really old chicken nuggets. Probably both.

Wood and his wife have both had their share of fender benders, he says. Both sides bear a scuff from run-ins with concrete traffic dividers. The van also lacks a rearview camera, much to its detriment. As a result, the car has its fair share of bumps and bruises from backing into inanimate objects.

The rubber lining has seen better days as well, but for what it lacks in beauty, it makes up for in practicality.

When you open the side doors, the rubber door liner is detached in some places. It still does its job, but it looks stupid.

The automatic door locks started running automatically non-stop, so the father turned to the most obvious solution: duct tape. When even the duct tape failed, the automatic locking burned out. Buyers should be prepared to lock and unlock the van automatically, he says in conclusion.

Wood was transparent about the van’s stomach-churning history. He didn’t hold back about the times his kids couldn’t hold back.

We’re a family of 11. Every one of our children has thrown up in this van at some point in the past decade–most notably, on this trip. We have had the van detailed a couple times since then (shout out to Xtreme Auto Re-Styling Center for tackling a level of depravity unrivaled in the world of passenger transport.) The van is clean now; but, it will probably always be inhabited by the ghost of vomit past.

Thankfully, the automatic windows do work, so any interested buyer can roll down the window in the event that their child begins blowing chunks. This is also welcome news because the air conditioning can be spotty.

When the Wood family drove under 45 miles an hour, the A-C worked fine. Go any faster, and the air stops every time the driver hit the gas.

Accelerate = AC off. Decelerate = AC on. I don’t understand why. But, then again, as you’ve probably gathered by now, I don’t understand most things about cars.

The windshield is cracked. It happens. But for all of its flaws, it has a working TV, perfect for “distracting kids from the intermittent air conditioning and smell of decaying chicken nuggets.” The heat works, it has a trailer hitch, and Wood thinks the tires and brakes are in good shape.

He encouraged the future buyer to take it to the mechanic. The Kelly Blue Book price is $4,396, but Wood seriously doubted that estimate and offered to go lower.

Since posting, the listing has gone viral, and Wood has since updated the post.

Update 8/2: my goodness, world. Wow. Thanks so much for all of the interest! I’ve loved reading your many emails, responses, and commiserations (yes, I googled to make sure that was a real word). Solidarity, fellow parents and vomit van drivers. The van has officially been sold (surprising me and likely all of you)! Again, thank you for all the wonderful responses. Feel free to keep them coming. It’s nice to know that we’re not alone in our smelly, intermittently cooled world.

Thousands of families related to the Woods’ self-proclaimed “struggle bus.” Despite all of its warts, the big white van found a new home (hopefully at a great price). Memories not included.

Juliana Knot is an intern at The Federalist.
Photo Wood's white van

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