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James Comey Starts His Interview With Special Counsel Robert Mueller: A Transcript

‘Robert. It is my privilege and my sacred duty to meet you in this space …’


Mueller: “Hello, Jim.”

Comey: “Robert. It is my privilege and my sacred duty to meet you in this space — the space between parties, between branches, between factions, where balance can be struck by the scales of justice, unencumbered by the dastardly thumbs of dark men with dark intentions. As the great John Stuart Mill once said –”

Mueller: “You can call me Bob, as you usually do. Just one quick question before we –”

Comey: “Oh, and I shall answer it. With the force of a raging river of truth shall I let flow the veracities etched upon the memos of my soul and also my literal memos, scribed with a love of duty and constancy unbreaking as the line of my Pilot G2 gel roller pen.”

Mueller: “Jim, I just –”

Comey: “I hear you, Robert, and I want you to know I hear the American people and I hear the American heart beating. Listen with me — thump-THUMP, thump-THUMP. It quickens as we enter the arena of which Teddy once so famously spoke, where we will strive to do the deeds and spend ourselves in a worthy cause; where at the best I will know the triumph of high achievement, and at the worst, if I fail, at least fail while leaking strategically. No cold and timid souls, we, Robert.”

Mueller: “I get it, Jim. I’d like to get on with –”

Comey: “I, too, would like to get on with it. With bending the arc of history toward justice with the sheer strength of our convictions. That’s what it is we’re doing here, after all, and what I have sought to do lo these many years as a servant of the public and in the footsteps of Publius before me, making the mark of my Pilot G2 gel roller pen as indelible on the preservation of the Union as that of our Founders, who of course did not have access to the finest in modern pen technology but nonetheless spurred themselves to be equal to the task. What excuse have I, then, with all this at my disposal?

Oh, could you take a pic here? Something pensive that captures the solemnity of the moment, but also the hope that simple honest men can repair the damage done. Portrait mode, obvi.”

Mueller: “Okay, but I’m not really sure –”

Comey: “These are unsure times, Robert, and it is up to sure men to tell the world that this, the greatest country on Earth, has that handful of men willing to correct and protect against the grave wrongs of the American electorate. I mean, Russia. Russia’s wrongs. That’s of course what I mean.”

Mueller: “All done. Now, can we –”

Comey: “Thank you. Lemme check this out. Did you take a few? Great. Done, Robert? I would not say we’re done, here. We have not yet begun to fight for truth, justice and the American way! Our weapons may be different. It is true, my hand rested upon the rubberized hilt of my pen, not a sword, but it will deliver justice all the same. And, when we are truly done, everyone will know in every corner of this Earth.

“In the words of another tall, noble, unconventionally handsome patriot who was exactly what the country needed at exactly the right time, ‘This nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth!'”

Mueller: …

Comey: …

Mueller: “Jim, I was just going to ask if you need to use the restroom before we start the interview.”

Comey: “Oh, actually, yes. That raging river of truth thing got me. Hold my pen, will you? Don’t lose it. It’s a G2.”