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Drinking Games Are No Way To Deal With Anything, Not Even Comey’s Testimony


Americans were glued to their TV sets yesterday morning to witness some of the most anticipated testimony on Capitol Hill in years. The Trump administration is weathering a scandal around its ties to Russian operatives and the Russians’ involvement in the 2016 election. As the former director of the FBI, James Comey was at the heart of that inquiry, and on Thursday he testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee about his interactions with the president and his recent firing.

You know all that already, because America has been unable to escape coverage of this battle royale between President Trump, Comey, Russia, and the press. It’s on the front page of every paper, leads the local news nearly every night, and the 24-hour news networks devote hours upon hours of coverage to it each day. So what do Americans do when confronted with a riveting event tied to the biggest news story of the year that is oh, so easy to mock? We make a drinking game out of it!

FRDLST’s Drinking Game Would’ve Got You Plammered

Bars all across the country opened early yesterday to show a congressional hearing (let that soak in for a minute), serve beer, and provide people a place to drown their sorrows by playing one of many Comey-related drinking games. Our own staff here at The Federalist came up with a game to knock you out during Thursday’s hearing. If you were following the Federalist game, you were wasted by the halfway mark of the 2.5-hour event.

Comey asked several senators to rephrase their questions. That was a sip each. He said, “Not at this time” or “Not in this setting” multiple times. That’s another sip each. He said a few times throughout the hearing that he felt uncomfortable answering a question. That was two sips each. Special counsel Robert Muller was mentioned several times. That’s another two sips each. Nearly each senator said he or she was running out of time, which meant you needed to finish your whole drink each time.

Two and a half hours later, you couldn’t remember what was said on TV, just that you had too much beer, have a wicked headache, and may have done something stupid that is now working its way across social media. But hey, what better way to deal with your frustration at our public officials than by toasting a beer (or six).

Most Drinking Games Are Garbage

I’ll be honest: I hate the entire concept of drinking games. As my college roommate can attest, I never got in on those stupid games. The whole point of drinking games is to drink a lot. The worst is the Star Wars drinking game, where you take a sip every time you see a Stormtrooper. That knocks you out 30 minutes into one of those films. I mean, if the point of the game is to get drunk, and that is indeed the object of most drinking games, then just sit down with a bottle of whiskey and go to town. You’ll achieve your goal in no time.

As someone who loves beer, and cocktails, I like to savor my drinks. I don’t drink crappy beer just so I can drink a lot of it. If I want something with some punch, then I’ll grab a beer with an ABV north of 9 percent. But I’m not going to pound that beer in search of the buzz. I’ll enjoy it, and the effect will come as I work my way through the glass.

Alcohol isn’t meant to be ingested until you wretch it up, despite what some college kids may think. Don’t just drink to get drunk, enjoy what you’re imbibing. Pace yourself. You want to remember how good that porter was, or what a great job that bartender did on that negroni.

I know that makes me sound like an old man, and since I’ll be knocking on the door of 40 soon that might be an apt description, but trust me on this one. It’s better to enjoy what you drink than just drink it. If you feel the need to drown your sorrows while watching congressional testimony, take it easy, and do it somewhere you don’t have to drive home. Please pick something tasty, something you’ll enjoy, something you’ll remember.

Oh, and if you’re looking for another Capitol Hill hearing that deserves mockery, check out Elmo’s appearance before the House Appropriations Committee’s Subcommittee on the Departments of Labor, Health and Human Services, Education, and Related Agencies in April 2002. Yes, that happened. Congress heard testimony from a puppet. Then again, maybe that’s not all that uncommon.