Rompers for men are now a thing. Yes, you read that correctly. Federalist writers Bre Payton, Rich Cromwell, Vanessa Oblinger, and Mary Katharine Ham weigh in on this new development in men’s fashion.
The ‘RompHim’ Is Just Plain Ugly
Bre: These should not exist.
What began as a Kickstarter campaign to create more clothing options for men has turned into fashion monstrosity that’s raised more than $37,000, blowing its initial fundraising goal of $10,000 out of the water.
Here’s the story of how the man romper was born, according to The RompHim’s own Kickstarter page:
We were sitting around drinking beers one evening and got to talking about men’s clothing options out there. Everything was either too corporate … too fratty … too ‘runway’ … or too basic. … Why wasn’t there anything out there that allowed guys to be more stylish and fun without sacrificing comfort, fit and versatility?
While a great many brilliant endeavors have begun over a beer, this is not one of them. And their obsession with elipses in the retelling of this story certainly doesn’t help matters.
Lest you think I exaggerate about how bad of an idea is The RompHim — yes that’s the actual name of this hideous garment — here’s what they look like.
As Mic’s Evan Ross Katz put it, the Fourth of July romper looks like “child’s outfit made of rags.” He’s not wrong.
— Tyler Coates (@tylercoates) May 15, 2017
They kinda look like bathing suits from the Victorian era. This was not a high point in men’s fashion.
A big reason rompers work for women is because we can rock all sorts of styles and cuts — off the shoulder, halter, strapless, and so on — that men cannot. Women can pull this off because we have assets that are accentuated by a romper. Men simply do not have these assets, nor should they pretend otherwise.
Your Screams Of Tightly Tortured Pain Will Be Loud
Rich: I get the trap that men fall into. Our clothes are less varied than those available to women, less responsive to current trends, generally less inspired. We still manage to mess it up, wearing brown belts with black shoes and whatnot, but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be more out there for us. Daring choices allow us to really mix things up and prove that even though we’re men, we can still be fashion forward.
Sure, we could go with the standards and get suits and pants with new lines. We could go for narrower ties and slimmer, more tailored fits. But that’s the coward’s way out. What we really need is to go crazy and embrace truly bold fashions, particularly ones that are super-hot right now. That’s where the RompHim seeks to position itself. Rompers are one of the trendier summer looks, and it’s high time we men rock them.
The RompHim has it all — front shirt pocket, adjustable tabs, zippered back pocket, zipper fly, and deep front pockets. Available in several patterns, each one promised to hug your family jewels tightly while you zoom around various social settings answering the question, “Are you wearing a romper?”
There’s also the benefit of the romper being difficult to take off, and possibly a little snug. These are features, not bugs. You aren’t going to need to take it off, and you’re definitely not going to be deploying any future descendants while wearing it, so the fact that excessive tightness and heat are bad for your swimmers keeps your body from doing unnecessary work.
More than anything, though, this romper proves that when we set our minds to it, men can mess up fashion on a much grander scale than pairing brown belts with black shoes. Romp out, and don’t forget to order now for the special MAGA edition that is guaranteed to be delivered by Independence Day. Because if cloistering your manhood in an outfit that really should be for women doesn’t scream independence, your screams of tightly tortured pain will at least be loud.
Is This A Spoof Or A Hoax?
Mary Katharine: Is this meant to be a real article of clothing for real dudes? There’s something to be said for the fact that a zipper-fly RompHim is FAR more convenient for a guy than the rompers ladies are wrestling with on bathroom breaks. During a summery, beer-drinking outdoor event, this could be…practical for him.
Is this a spoof or a hoax? Unlikely, as now that the campaign has met its goal, returning money would be awkward and difficult.
Is this a gag gift for every bro who ever bro-ed? This is my guess. The guys in the video hawking the romphims look very bro-y, and I can see this catching on for that alpha bro who doesn’t take himself too seriously. Like the Borat swimsuit of days gone by, only thankfully more modest. Every beer pong table will have at least one this summer. You have been warned.
Is This A Desperate Cry For Help?
Vanessa: We thought Obama’s Pajama Boys were bad, but this is another level of narcissism. Nothing screams LOOK AT ME or PETER PAN SYNDROME more than a colorful onesie for an adult man. As Ben Sasse said this week on CBS, “Neverland is a hell. Peter Pan is a dystopia. We forget that.”
Just when we were starting to think avocado toast was the biggest danger to millennials, the RompHim hits shelves. Could this be just another male ploy to bring attention to their bulge? Or is it a desperate call for help, since masculinity is dying faster than the rate of coherent feminist goals?
We also need to talk about how awkward non-zippered rompers are to get into. I can’t imagine a single man I know having the patience to put on or take off a one-piece outfit gracefully. Frankly, you have to be a contortionist to put one on without hearing that fabric rip. Take a man’s arms, and imagine those muscled shoulders trying to sneak into that last open arm hole. . .
Bre: We are doomed.
Vanessa: I can imagine college bros donning these at theme parties after having applied a fresh coat of specialized beard taming gel. The peach-colored material will contrast nicely with their bicep tattoos.
Rich: Even for a casual morning at home, it’s the perfect outfit to put on while jamming Florida Georgia Line, drinking a “bromosa,” and cooking the lean proteins you need for your next CrossFit session.