Whoever wins this presidential election, we’re gonna have a fixer-upper on our hands. America has spent the last two years in the constant presence of two of the least popular candidates the country has ever known.
For a change of pace from this nearly universally disliked duo, why not bring in the nearly universally loved Gaines couple of HGTV fame? Look, I don’t know how this would work constitutionally, but there’s got to be some cabinet position at the very least that would allow them to work their down-home, healing magic on the good ol’ US of A just like they do all those battered, reasonably priced homes in Texas.
Here are seven reasons we need them renovating our nation post-Election Day.
1. All the Shiplap
I didn’t know what shiplap was before I watched “Fixer Upper” and neither did you, but now I know of its rustic yet sophisticated design potential. It’s a hidden treasure— a form of board used in exterior design Joanna often unearths behind some crumbly dry wall over the fireplace. I have no doubt several families in America have lost an interior wall or two to a fruitless weekend shiplap search thanks to “Fixer Upper’s” popularity.
The point is, Chip and Joanna are experts at finding and keeping what’s good about a place while gutting the rest of it on demo day with smiles on their faces. If they can recruit the “American Pickers” for Department of the Interior, we will have the most beautifully curated modern country with a healthy respect for its history and traditions. And lots of shiplap.
2. They Force People to Make Budget Choices
Wow, could we use some of this, America. Chip and Joanna are sometimes brutally honest about budget concerns and structural problems, and make homeowners reckon with hard choices. They applaud spending less on a bargain home with lots of potential, and when it comes to fancy add-ons, Joanna presents a dollar amount and three choices to the homeowner—a bonus room, a paved driveway, or a landscaped outdoor dining area, for instance.
For Congress, Joanna might say, “You have $3.7 billion in fake money you’re pretending you have. At the very least, I’m going to force you to spend it on one thing instead of three. Now, is it going to be the trust fund that also doesn’t exist, your newest program ‘for the children,’ or dubious stimulus projects of unclear efficacy?”
3. Tasteful Design
The Clintons are famous for stealing furniture. The Trumps are famous for gilding it. Instead, Chip and Joanna stage furniture tastefully with a nod to both modernity and Americana.
Also, what America really needs is Joanna’s favorite prescription—unifying the space by letting some light in.
4. Copious Uplifting Signage
The national mood is not great, but what about when the Brooklyn Bridge has a giant, antiqued tin sign hanging from it urging us to “Laugh?” The Bill of Rights becomes our cheeky “Family Rules” display on the outside of the Capitol: “In this house, we get dirty, laugh, love, respect religious liberty and free speech, and don’t quarter soldiers without recompense.” Adorbs! There’s precedent. The Statue of Liberty has had a “Welcome” sign on it for years. It just needs a cuter font.
5. They Create Jobs and Prosperity
Just a couple years ago, the Gaines’ property in Waco was just a bunch of garbage-filled warehouses and deserted silos valued at a couple thousand bucks. It’s now a shopping destination for all of Texas and its tourists, and Magnolia Market has attracted other businesses that flourish in the new crowds, like food trucks, new shops and restaurants.
The area has attracted so much business that the city’s tax valuations (and bills) have skyrocketed, leaving some residents steaming. Waco residents organized to fight the doubling and tripling of property valuations the city is trying to impose. But it’s nice to have the problems that come with prosperity, not poverty.
6. They Focus on the Important Stuff
The thing about Chip and Joanna is they seem to genuinely like being around each other and being married and raising their kids. They involve their four children in shopping trips for the show and decorating homes.
Joanna puts a lot of thought into the family table in her renovations.
“Everything happens around the table,” she said on one episode. “Chip and I won’t budge on dinner with the kids. No matter how crazy life is, we always make it a point to have dinner around the tale with our four sweet children.”
7. The Big Reveal
No matter who is president, wouldn’t you feel better about it if the electoral map were unveiled by Chip and Joanna pulling back one of those giant pictures? “Here was your old America…and here is your new America! With a slate roof and beautiful window boxes!”
Good luck today, America.