What’s that—it’s a day of the week? That must mean there’s new evidence of millennials doing something worse than their predecessors! This time it really matters: Millennial college men have weaker hands than their fathers. Their grip and pinch strength today pales in comparison to the men of 30 years ago. Here are some thoughts on the limp-wristed generation.
1. Lack of Good Role Models
2. Changes in the Meaning of Competition
Competition for a male today means comparing total steps taken while wearing a bracelet.
In the 1980s, men expressed their dominance with brute strength.
3. You’re a Girl
4. Video Game Controllers Are Lighter
5. Hand Hugs
6. No More Aliens
Millennials don’t develop grip strength helping friends with moving or yard work, because they all live with their parents and aren’t extraterrestrial beings who hunt humans for sport.
But during the Reagan administration, you couldn’t walk down the street without bumping into someone who needed help moving branches to devise his own alien trap.
7. Wimpy Show People
Millennials, who believe that the world started in 1995, think everyone has always indicated the number five like this.
But everyone else knows the true way to show that something is less than six but more than four.
8. Okay, Maybe It’s Just Jimmy Fallon
How do you introduce yourself to someone new? Like this?
Or like this? If it’s the former, then congratulations, you’re just another millennial.
If you think the best way to ask an alien to kill you is this…
…instead of this, then you might be offering a dead fish to your future father-in-law.