In the past few weeks, Donald Trump’s business record has come under close scrutiny. From Trump University to Trump Airlines to the United States Football League, many of Trump’s business ventures have been attacked as spectacular failures that fleeced consumers and devastated his vendors and partners.
At a recent press conference, Trump pitched many of these products, including Trump Water, Trump Water, and Trump Magazine. According to Trump, each of these products is, in its own way, “tremendous.”
In this exclusive report, The Federalist has learned that, even as he continues his presidential campaign, Trump is planning to launch at least ten new product lines to further capitalize on his famous name. In order of potential market size, these new products include the following.
10. Trump Baloney
A worthy successor to Trump Steaks, Trump Baloney consists of equal parts chicken, turkey, beef, pork, and soy protein, much as Trump’s presidential platform consists of equal parts liberalism, nationalism, authoritarianism, protectionism, and crony capitalism. Trump Baloney is certified to taste great, but has been known to cause violent diarrhea if consumed in large or even moderate quantities.
9. Trump Flip-Flops
This sleek, comfortable footwear allows the wearer to change positions at the drop of a hat without the need to explain one’s self. While wearing his trademarked flip-flops, Donald J. Trump himself has been able to change positions on numerous issues, including abortion, torture, gun rights, H1-B visas, the war in Iraq, the health-care insurance mandate, and much, much more!
As an added bonus, Trump Flip-Flops, like Trump Ties, are manufactured in China. That’s right, the country Trump regularly accuses of fleecing the American public, and with whom he wants to start a trade war, is a major supplier of Trump’s products!
8. Trump Translators
This incredibly valuable device converts the many sayings of Donald J. Trump into simple, plain English. For instance, when Trump says he needs to be “flexible,” what he really means is, “I’ll cut a deal on anything.” When he says, “I’m going to build a wall with Mexico,” what he really means is “maybe.” (Note: Like many other Trump products, Trump Translators will be made in Mexico).
7. Trump Fuel
This special gasoline blend consists ENTIRELY of ethanol—no petroleum needed! Whereas Ted Cruz put his political career on the line by opposing this artificial subsidy, Donald Trump pushed to increase the ethanol mandate, even as he argues that his wealth will immunize him from special interests. So why not go all the way? Trump Fuel consists entirely of corn grown in Iowa! (Note: Trump Fuel does not actually power vehicles and will be discontinued after the 2016 general election).
6. Trump Marriage Certificates
Marriage is an institution—but who wants to live in an institution? Trump Marriage Certificates entitle the owner to exchange one spouse for a much younger spouse! These special certificates are even reusable. With a Trump Marriage Certificate, you too could divorce up to two spouses for much younger spouses. (Note: Trump Marriage Certificates are available only to men).
5. Trump Slogans
Available for purchase or rent, Trump Slogans are combinations of words that are completely empty of content, but when repeated often enough instill in the listener vague, unjustified feelings of pride and hope. For the perfect example of such Trumpian pablum, see Trump’s Signature Slogan.
These miniature musical instruments let the user dramatically inflate his or her accomplishments when speaking with others. Inserted under the tongue, Trump-ets can help you magnify your net worth, personal accomplishments, and business savvy. Trump-ets should not be worn around forensic accountants or other financial analysts.
3. Trump Savings
These special bank accounts allow the depositor to avoid paying his or her bills—without any annoying feelings of guilt or responsibility! Trump doesn’t just endorse this fine financial tool, he uses it regularly: in the last 30 years, no major U.S. company has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy more times than Trump’s casino empire. As an added bonus, Trump Savings lets you avoid creditors without feeling the blues. Like Trump, you’ll be able to say, “These lenders aren’t babies. These are total killers.”
2. Trump Cologne
Let’s face it: a 40-year history of donating hundreds of thousands of dollars to liberal Democrats can leave a person smelling a little, shall we say, pungent. This magnificent, powerful fragrance covers the stench of decades spent cavorting with such liberal luminaries as Hillary Clinton, Jimmy Carter, John Kerry, Harry Reid, and Chuck Schumer. Yes, Trump Cologne allows even the staunchest liberal to pass for a Republican. (Note: Trump Cologne wears off under close scrutiny).
1. Trump Hand-Enlarger
This special device, patent pending, fills the user with YUUUGGGGEEE amounts of confidence and bravado! Simply place a Trump Hand Enlarger between your fingers, and you too will be able to declare that the U.S. military will follow your illegal orders, that foreign dictators will bend to your will, and that you can make a neighboring country pay for your “f****ing wall.”
You’ll even be able to claim that you’ll beat Hillary Clinton—even when you’re the only candidate who loses to her! (Note: overuse of Trump Hand Enlargers can lead to dangerous delusions of grandeur and even complete derangement.)
According to sources, these products are just the beginning. As voters continue to learn about Trump’s business and political records, he’ll roll out even more products, including Trump Sump Pumps, talking mini-Trumps, and Trump Hoodies (now all-white for those late-night meetings!). We’re especially excited for the launch of Trump Legal, a global law firm that allows you to threaten to sue anyone, anytime, anywhere, for anything!