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Which Ariana Grande Apology Are You?

Ariana Grande walked into a doughnut shop, licked a bunch of donuts she didn’t buy, then said she hated America. Her apology was an even bigger train wreck.


Ariana Grande, a young singer/actress you may or may not have heard of, has created quite a bit of a stir. It turns out Ms. Grande thought it would be a good idea to go to a doughnut store, lick some doughnuts that were on display for sale, and then loudly talk about how much she hated America and Americans. No, we’re not making any of that up. That actually happened.

Her behavior was captured by surveillance video, and then somehow that video found its way into the hands of celebrity gossip site TMZ.

But as bad as that all sounds, it’s not nearly as bad as her hilarious train wreck of an apology. You really have to read the entire thing for yourself to grasp its awfulness:

Ariana Grande, you see, didn’t lick those doughnuts and say those awful things because she’s an awful person. No, she said those things because she’s really upset by…childhood obesity. Which makes perfect sense. Who doesn’t go out and lick a bunch of doughnuts whenever they get worried about America’s childhood obesity rates?

Anyhow, the various reasons she offered in her non-sensical apology make for great reading. Her excuses are so great that we decided to make a quiz pairing her excuses with various crimes against humanity. Which of her excuses makes for the best apology for each situation? You be the judge.