Everyone has a Christmas song that evokes the opposite of the Christmas spirit for her. For me, it is Mannheim Steamroller’s “Deck the Halls,” which makes me viscerally, physically angry and near inflicting harm on my fellow man, particularly those who had a part in the making of Mannheim Steamroller’s “Deck the Halls.”
It’s like someone said, “Hey, maybe the best way to honor the birth of the Christ child would be to turn some of the best-loved tunes of all time into a barely recognizable ’80s fever dream.” Here are some other things it is like.
It’s like an interminable, festive search for the brown note.
It’s like a beautiful Douglas fir decorated with cassette-tape tinsel.
It’s like if Jim McMahon’s shades harbored a secret desire to be a classical conductor.
It’s like a harpsichord did a few lines and had ill-advised sex with a Moog.
It’s like if Jesus wore a pink IZOD with a popped collar.
It’s like if Santa’s sleigh was only available in black laquer or “DeLorean.”
It’s like the Ghost of Christmas Past is Jules from “St. Elmo’s Fire.”
It’s like the shoulder-padded blazer of Christmas music.
It’s like if Patrick Bateman produced a Christmas album.
It’s like Bing Crosby decided to collaborate with the neighbors in “Christmas Vacation.”
It’s like someone wanted to create a Christmas album with all the joie de vivre of a Bret Easton Ellis novel.
It’s like someone wanted to create a Christmas album with all the joie de vivre of a Bret Easton Ellis movie adaptation.
It’s like Jane Fonda was doing a holiday aerobics extravaganza and needed a backing track.
It’s like if the two dudes from “Weird Science” performed their experiment with Christmas wreaths on their heads.
It’s like someone saw the “Star Wars Holiday Special” and needed to top it for ‘80s festive fail. But unfortunately, it has not yet been lost to time and left us with the mere myth and urban legend of its awfulness.
It’s like if the Super Bowl Shuffle were inspired by the birth of our Lord and Savior.
It’s like if Handel wrote his “Messiah” for a cheap Casio keyboard instead of an orchestra.
It’s the Axel F of Christmas music.
It’s like if you mixed the theme from “Spaceballs” with Amy Grant’s Christmas album and then overlaid a really loud track of a garbage disposal.
It’s like Guy Fieri decided to get “all classical and stuff.”
It’s like if Giorgio Moroder orchestrated the soundtrack to the secret hidden Christmas level of an Atari game.
It’s like if a Doritos Locos Taco took some ecstasy and decided to get nasty with the synth track from Van Halen’s “Jump.”
It’s like a “Miami Vice” boat chase during their Very Special Christmas episode.
It’s like Yes replaced David Bowie in that Bing Crosby Christmas special.
It’s like the team behind “Convoy” created something that ripped off classical and New Age themes at the same time. Actually, that one is just a factual description.
(Ben Domenech, Sean Davis, John Davidson, Mark Hemingway, Tom Nichols, Scott Lincicome, and Rich Cromwell contributed to the “reporting” of this piece.)