In response to Donald Trump accusing Hillary Clinton of using the “woman card,” NYMag.com made a list of 15 things women would use it for if they actually had a woman’s card. Let me warn you—it’s annoying, complete with complaints about catcallers and men on Tinder who use the word “wanderlust.”
Some other gems include “Complementary tiny bottles of white wine served throughout every flight we take, without ever having ordered them”; “Unfettered access to reproductive health care”; “Time off work anytime we have our periods”; and “Forcing Donald Trump to drop out of the race and move to the moon.”
As a woman, I did chuckle at some of the items on the list. But I have to be honest with you—I’m sick of the whining from women. Done. Over it. Enough! The “Sex in the City” “women are awesome and men are pigs” narrative grates like fingernails across a chalkboard (or a bunch of women yapping like chattering squirrels). I just can’t take it anymore.
So instead of ranting about feminism in general and its corrosive, narcissistic, vain, self-absorbed effect on society, I decided to simply make a list of my own—a list for men. I know, I’m a woman, but I have a great deal of empathy for men in our country. They’re being emasculated. Personally, I like men to be fully masculated, so I offer this list on their behalf. Feel free to add more of your own in the comments (that’ll be fun!).
So here’s a woman’s card for the guys, and 25 things they could do with it.
- Requiring women to come with a warning sign that explains which kind of crazy they are.
- A silencer every time Channing Tatum comes on screen.
- Being able to play video games without having to inject a random woman into the narrative or explain why you like your character to have big boobs.
- Refusing to pay for a woman’s unfettered health care.
- Flashing it at chatter-box women who won’t shut up about themselves.
- A pass to make a pass without being accused of sexual assault.
- Requiring every woman to post her real picture on social media.
- Being able to tell a joke without women running to their bosses complaining of sexual harassment.
- Enabling a woman to use words that actually correspond with her thoughts.
- A pass to watch sports without having to explain the rules or why the players get paid so much.
- Requiring a woman put away the white wine for once and have a beer.
- A pass to tell business women to ease up on the death-grip handshake—you’re not fooling anyone.
- Turning down a woman without being called gay.
- Getting a pass to check out a woman when she’s obviously spent so much time for just that reason.
- Wanting to be seduced by a woman and not feeling guilty about it.
- Having a woman laugh at your jokes.
- Getting time off work during the NCAA tournament.
- Having people get over the fact that men like boobs and butts.
- Sex on demand.
- Having the ability to read minds, at least once (that would probably be enough).
- Not liking the new “Ghostbusters” movie without being called anti-woman.
- Wanting space without being suspected of cheating.
- Having female friends without all the drama and jealousy.
- Not having to respond about feelings in texts or answer probing relationship questions late at night when you’re getting ready to go to sleep.
- Voting for Donald Trump without being called a misogynist.
