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10 Absurd Assumptions You Have To Swallow To Believe The White House-Cocaine Failure Theater

White House with white powder in foreground
Image CreditFDRLST / Canva

Here are 10 assumptions you have to uncritically accept in order to make the bumbling White House’s talking points make sense.


The idiots running the asylum formerly known as Washington, D.C., aren’t even trying anymore. Gone are the days when malfeasance and hoaxes were respectably cloaked in falsehoods that at least sounded plausible. Now, the emperor knows he has no clothes, he knows you know it, and he doesn’t care — in fact, he might march down the street and gyrate in your face.

It’s not a good development for lovers of self-governance, but there’s a kind of camaraderie in knowing everyone else with half a brain cell can see through the act. Besides, it’s obvious the clownish powers-that-be think you’re utterly stupid, and there’s a tactical advantage to being underestimated.

In their latest act of condescending foolery, they’ve flaunted what was either a shameless coverup or unbelievable incompetence in the Mysterious Case of the Teeny-Tiny Cocaine Baggie Someone Left Somewhere in the White House But That’s All We Know, Folks. The messaging has fluctuated from “Must have been a tourist!” to “Kamala?” to “It’s irresponsible to ask questions about this,” but the bottom line is that there’s no way, absolutely not, that it could possibly belong to admitted drug addict and apparent White House resident Hunter Biden — no doubt about it.

I’m sure they’re counting on some people to be stupid enough to buy the act, and I’m sure some have. But they’re counting on far more to be complacent enough not to care.

Here are 10 assumptions you have to gulp down in order to make the bumbling White House’s talking points make sense.

1. A Tourist Would Be Brazen Enough to Bring Cocaine to the West Wing and Leave It There

This one isn’t impossible, if you think a tourist sneaking cocaine past the White House’s modern security apparatus is no different than when guest Willie Nelson smoked weed on the White House roof with Jimmy Carter’s son. In a world where federal officials can discover almost anything there is to know about anyone who steps foot anywhere, thanks to the internet and the cooperation of the countless corporations that sell your personal information to the highest bidder, it’s hard to imagine someone thinking he could just waltz into the West Wing with cocaine … and then choosing to take it out of his pocket and leave it there.

2. The Cocaine Made It Through Security Checkpoints

To enter the White House complex, not to mention the West Wing, isn’t a walk in the park. “This entrance is used by very few people — just White House staff and people with [a] pre-approved appointment in the West Wing,” Sen. Mike Lee noted. “Non-staff have to go through multiple layers of security screening, and can enter only after they’ve been vetted and approved by the Secret Service.”

Besides, have you ever been through a security screening where you didn’t have to empty your pockets? Essentially, you’re being asked to believe that the most sensitive, high-security office in America has a screening process that’s lazier than the cranky TSA babysitters who can’t tell plastic explosives from a block of aged cheddar.

Not to mention, do you believe the talking point that the Secret Service dogs “do not sniff for drugs”?

3. White House Security Cameras Are Useless

Security cameras are everywhere these days — in D.C., they’ll even snap a photo of your license plate without your knowledge if they catch you speeding and then fine you by mail, so you never have to deal with being pulled over!

But in the case of the cocaine coverup, the security cameras in the West Wing just aren’t fancy enough to catch people walking around with controlled substances. The cubbies in which the eight-ball was supposedly found just aren’t in the cameras’ range, see. The elusive junkie probably knew that, you know, and left his cocaine in the one spot the security cameras don’t reach.

4. Visitor Logs Are Also Useless

If the cameras are no help, at least the White House keeps thorough visitor logs of the people who enter! But those are no help either. Someone should tell the Bidens’ foreign accomplices that there’s no need to arrange secret meetings with Joe Biden at his Delaware home, where no public visitor logs are kept — they can apparently stroll into the White House without a trace!

5. The Careless Cocaine Carrier Was Wearing Gloves on a Hot Summer Day

A Secret Service investigation concluded that the plastic bag containing cocaine had no fingerprints on it. So either: Plastic bags are mysteriously resistant to fingerprints now, or the person who was careless enough to bring cocaine to the White House thought to wear gloves on a hot July day to conceal his fingerprints. Also, his DNA was nowhere to be found.

6. Secret Service Would Have Been Helpless if the Baggie Were Full of Ricin

The obvious implication of the message from the Secret Service and the White House — “Whoopsie, we’re totally incompetent to find the guy who did this or prevent it from happening again. Oh well!” — is that their response would have been just as helpless if the baggie were full of a different kind of poisonous white powder, like ricin. If ricin somehow made it into the West Wing, do you think they’d shrug and close the investigation down with the same impotent excuses?

7. The Drug Addict Living at the White House Is Not a Worthwhile Investigative Lead

If you’ve ever seen a crime show, you probably think that after a crime is committed, the cops survey the possible persons of interest and then determine a suspect based on relevant circumstances.

If you think that logical process is how our federal law enforcement still works, think again. Hunter Biden, who discussed his longstanding drug addiction in his memoir and abandoned a laptop full of evidence of him doing drugs with prostitutes, is suspected to be living at the White House with his president father. And contrary to the claims of White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, press pool reports indicate Hunter and the Biden family were at the White House two days before the cocaine was discovered.

But if you’re thinking the obvious question — Was the cocaine Hunter Biden’s? — you clearly don’t know how the pros operate.

8. The Man Who Left a Laptop Full of Criminal Evidence Lying Around Wouldn’t Do the Same with Nose Candy

Would Hunter Biden really be so foolish as to leave cocaine lying around in the White House, especially considering that the sweetheart plea deal he struck with federal prosecutors to escape jail time for his tax and gun crimes is contingent on him staying clean for two years?

Nah, surely the guy who never returned to pick up a laptop he dropped off at a repair shop — a laptop packed with correspondence implicating Hunter and then-VP Joe Biden in a pay-for-play scheme with foreign associates, as well as not-fit-to-print photos of Hunter’s escapades with pay-for-play women — wouldn’t be sloppy enough to leave Colombian bam-bam lying around the most high-profile home office in America.

9. Secret Service Would Never Cover for the Bidens (Even Though They Have Before)

The Secret Service wouldn’t purposefully make themselves look like bumbling idiots just to save Hunter Biden’s regrettably well-documented rear end, would they?

Well, they have before, according to a 2021 report originally published by Politico. After a gun belonging to Hunter Biden “went temporarily missing after his late brother’s wife and his then-love interest threw it away in a trash can near a grocery store in 2018,” only to have the gun go missing, Secret Service agents involved themselves in the missing gun investigation being conducted by police and the FBI, and “reportedly visited the gun store where Hunter purchased the revolver earlier that month and demanded the owner turn over the Firearms Transaction Record used during Hunter’s purchase,” as The Federalist’s Jordan Boyd explained.

The gun store owner suspected “that the Secret Service officers wanted to hide Hunter’s ownership of the missing gun in case it were to be involved in a crime,” sources told Politico. The Secret Service denies having any record of the incident.

10. It’s Totally Normal That the White House Won’t Deny the Cocaine Is the Bidens’

You’d think the White House could just end this whole fiasco by reassuring the American people that the cocaine doesn’t belong to any of them. Just like Biden could make the brewing scandal over his apparently foreign bribery scheme go away if he just explained why he and most of his family were receiving millions from foreign nationals.

But he hasn’t, and won’t. Instead, we get bizarre invocations of the Hatch Act — which bars federal employees from partisan political activity — while the White House press secretary dodges reporters’ questions by shaming any inquiry about the cocaine as “incredibly irresponsible.”

It would take a willful idiot to buy all these assumptions at face value. And that’s precisely what the White House is counting on.

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