You’ve been hurt in the past, you’re vulnerable and looking for a man who can be both a lover and a supportive friend. So is it okay if he goes skiing in wedding dresses?
This is the question posed in a recent article in The Guardian. In it, the author asserts “My boyfriend’s wedding dress unveiled my own shortcomings over masculinity.” Not only is it okay for men to wear dresses, but you’re perpetuating toxic masculinity if you’re not chomping at the bit to hop in the sack with them.
At first, the author admits that it was hard for her to feel physically attracted to her boyfriend when, during their first hookup, she was literally un-dressing him.
“Those feelings illuminated some unanticipated boundaries of where I define attractiveness in men and when I still crave traditional masculinity. I realized I wanted less dress and more flannel shirts, trucker hats and sandstone Carhartts.”
On flannel and Carhartts, the ladies of The Federalist share a hearty “Amen” with the author. I do sympathize with her; she’s been burned by shallow men in the past and this boyfriend is supportive of her. She’s just looking for a man who both supports her and that she’s attracted to. But there are men who fit that bill who don’t wear dresses. Heed the wisdom of the internet, sister: Get you a man who can do both.
Let’s not even criticize the man for being feminine; not all men can ace the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness. Let’s criticize him for being vain. Needing constant attention and validation for your appearance—male or female—is immature and proud.
I could go on about how our culture has lost its mind on sex. How women have culturally castrated men while they’ve shrugged, sat back, and played video games. How men have abdicated their leadership roles for the masturbatory purgatory of perpetual adolescence.
But this ridiculous take deserves an equally ridiculous response. So here are six things I’d rather do than be with a dude who wears dresses.
1. Eat a tub of Vaseline
I’m not saying it would be pleasurable. I’m not saying it wouldn’t make me throw up or question my life choices. I’m saying that, unlike dating a guy who wears dresses, I’d know what to expect and that my misery would be short-lived.
2. Vote for Michael Bloomberg
A stupid and futile gesture from a woman who’s been so battered, so beaten down by this world’s cynicism that I’m forcing myself to be excited about a man I find deeply unsatisfying in any meaningful way. Much like dating a dude in a dress.
3. Work at a kill shelter
Taking the lives of innocent, helpless animals as they look to me for mercy is one of the most awful things I can imagine. But at least I’d have the unwavering sense that I’m doing something wrong, that my life was not meant to be this waym and that I must get out of here if any part of my soul is to survive. Don’t kid yourself: dating a man in a dress should trip similar alarms.
4. Date a dude who wears flip flops and socks
Or any of the following:
- shark tooth/puka shell necklaces
- fedoras
- overstuffed cargo pants
- dirty socks
- leather sports coats
- novelty tees (with or without a blazer)
- sports jerseys in formal settings
Why? Because only a man would wear these things. If it’s between these and a dress, I will lovingly iron your Tommy Bahama shirt or Eagles jersey for church every Sunday for the rest of our lives.
5. Date a dude with a man bun
You heard me right. I’ve gone on record with my hatred for the man bun. More than once. This garbage-bag-inspired calling card of the immature, vain, millennial d-bag is still infinitely preferable to a man in a dress. No contest. And that’s saying something.
6. Let all my hopes, dreams, and eggs shrivel up within me and die until I hate all things and all people and curse the day my great-great-great grandparents met
Because that’s still better than spending my life with a dude who skis in a wedding dress.
