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Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? 2020 Democrats Come Up Short In Masculinity

Former Texas congressman Beto O’Rourke can’t change a tire, and Montana Governor Steve Bullock can’t use a grill. No man cards for them.


Former Texas congressman Beto O’Rourke can’t change a tire, and Montana Gov. Steve Bullock can’t use a grill. It seems the only cowboy in this presidential contest is New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio, who proved his worthiness of such a title for slaughtering Staten Island Chuck, the city’s cherished groundhog, in 2014.

O’Rourke’s struggle to change a car tire was fully on display Monday on the candidate’s Instagram story. His efforts to change the front tire of a Toyota Tundra pick-up truck looked as organic as a chicken nugget. As one careful observer pointed out on Twitter, O’Rourke appears to have put the jack on the side rail of the truck meant for passengers to climb into the vehicle, rather than the truck’s frame.

Of course, almost every cowboy has a dog by his side, and in this case, O’Rourke appears no different. O’Rourke loves to pose with man’s best friend, even featuring his dog Artemis on his front-page cover in Vanity Fair in March. The feelings, however, don’t appear to be mutual.

O’Rourke does have another thing going for him, however. Of all the Democratic candidates in the race, O’Rourke draws the closest resemblance to Woody from Toy Story.

Bullock would also place last in a cowboy pageant contest. Looking at a grill full of meat in front of him at the Iowa State Fair, Bullock, who is literally the governor of “Big Sky Country,” asked, “How do you know when they’re done?”

At least the man is always sporting a fashionable pair of alligator boots, which would surely put him ahead of O’Rourke.

The Democrats’ savior then comes down to de Blasio, who murdered his own city’s treasured groundhog and heroically slayed a deer two years later. The contest wasn’t even close. Just look at the way the man eats a corn dog:

One would never dream of seeing vegan Sen. Cory Booker (D-N.J.) take such a passionate bite of an iconic American cuisine.

Retired U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) would surely agree with crowning de Blasio with such an honor.