Last week, Sen. Ed Markey (D-MA) and Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) introduced their long-anticipated “Green New Deal” legislation. Observers across the political spectrum derided both the legislation, and a summary document associated with same, as an example of big government overreach with goals that neither can nor should be achieved within a ten-year period.
However, if they wish to persist in their socialistic delusions, members of Congress who believe in the Green New Deal should first apply it to themselves. Hence the following list of proposals that GND supporters should insist Congress take, to put Ocasio-Cortez’s vision into practice.
1. Ban Meat in Congressional Cafeterias
The FAQ document says the Green New Deal “set a goal to get to net-zero, rather than zero emissions, in 10 years because we aren’t sure that we’ll be able to fully get rid of farting cows and airplanes that fast.” [Emphases mine.] But if GND supporters think they can’t fully get rid of “farting cows” within ten years nationwide, that’s no excuse not to eradicate them from Congress immediately. “Freedom Fries,” meet your new companion—the Green New Deal Hamburger!
The House and Senate cafeterias can even rely upon the ghost of Clara Peller to promote this new GND “innovation”!
2. Free Arugula
The GND resolution talks about government’s role to “build a more sustainable food system that ensures universal access to healthy food.” To help solve this problem, Congress must make sure that never again should someone like Barack Obama have to complain that Whole Foods is “charging a lot of money” for arugula. Instead, congressional cafeterias can provide arugula free of charge!
3. End Taxpayer-Funded Plane Travel
President Trump had the right idea when he nixed a proposed trip by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) to Afghanistan. Just think of the potential carbon emissions! Congress should end members’ taxpayer-funded airplane travel from Washington to their districts. Instead, lawmakers like Democratic Sens. Mazie Hirono and Brian Schatz can take American high-speed rail back and forth from their homes in Hawaii to Washington.
4. Turn Off the A/C
To promote the zero-emissions agenda, Congress should cease using its highly polluting air conditioning systems. Sure, Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) didn’t like smelling sweaty tourists in the summertime, but he retired from Congress three years ago!
5. Shut Off the Lights
While they turn off the air conditioning, Congress should also turn out the lights in the Capitol to become emissions free. Better yet, lawmakers could decide to “hold Congress outside” on the National Mall during good weather. After all, it’s not like anyone ever tried to attack Congress in session or anything.
6. Evict Congress from Its Offices
Both the resolution and background document discuss “upgrading all existing buildings” to promote the zero-emissions agenda. Congress should start by throwing itself out of its own offices for some eco-friendly upgrades. Instead of ornate offices with high ceilings, floor-to-ceiling windows, and huge desks, Congress can place some trailers out back for members’ offices. You know, in the congressional parking lots that staff will no longer need—because they’ll be banned from driving cars to work.
7. Unionize Congressional Staff
The resolution talks about “strengthening and protecting the right of all workers to organize, unionize, and collectively bargain.” In that case, why shouldn’t members of Congress promote collective bargaining amongst their own employees? Staff assistants of the world, unite!
8. Welfare for Those ‘Unwilling to Work’
The background document talks of guaranteeing “economic security for all who are unable or unwilling to work.” Members of Congress should ensure that their staff aren’t harassed by an obligation to do actual work, and are instead permitted to do whatever they feel like.
9. Vote to Move the Capitol
The resolution talks of “obtaining the free, prior, and informed consent of indigenous peoples for all decisions that affect indigenous peoples.” In theory, this language might refer to Native Americans such as Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA). But what about the individuals indigenous to Washington, DC? Did Congress ever ask them whether they want to maintain the Capitol here? Congress should ballot the citizens of Washington to seek their consent for its continued presence. And if District citizens object, then lawmakers have an easy solution:
10. Congress Can Go to Hell
The resolution calls for “repairing historic oppression of…depopulated rural communities,” and what better way to repair such oppression by moving the entire Capitol to one of them! An ideal location: Hell, California, approximately 200 miles east of Los Angeles, in the middle of the Mojave Desert. (Another possible alternative: Hell, Michigan.)
Ocasio-Cortez might think the average 104-degree temperatures in July a perfect way to illustrate the perils of global warming, and I’m sure neither she nor her Democratic colleagues would object to congregating in an area where the nearest Au Bon Pain is a mere three hours away.
Lest any of the above satire leave the wrong impression, this conservative does believe in conserving the environment. But when some members of Congress put forward unrealistic proposals that have no chance of happening, and use very real concerns about climate change to shoehorn in every liberal and socialist agenda item of the last century and this, they not only beclown themselves, they do the same to their cause.
Environmentalism deserves more than the socialist crazies behind the Green New Deal.