This is the first swimsuit-buying season that Victoria’s Secret Swim is not available, which is a shame because it was the last thing they were really doing right. (RIP bikinis with that PERFECT shade of coral.)
Let’s be honest: Victoria’s Secret isn’t all that great. Their bras are ill-fitting and, besides the T-shirt bra, they’re impractical. Their lingerie is overpriced — we can get the same basic teddies at a Marshall’s or a Walmart. And the only reason most of it looks appealing on their website and in stores is because of the models and the boudoir store setups with their 50 shades of pink.
Maybe the strappy lingerie makes sense for them to sell, but we wouldn’t know because we’ve never made those kind of purchases and find it hard to believe that many women do. But even if I’m wrong and tons of women are into it, sites like Adore Me seem to have the same stuff for much, much cheaper.
Bre: Their “free” giveaways suck. They’re usually an ugly weekender bag with the store name emblazoned all over it — because whoever is in charge of their gimmicks think we want the world to know where we buy our underwear every time we take a trip.
And the beauty products are gross. Their shower gels and body sprays smell like a fruity Frankenstein mix of Bath and Body Works and Banana Boat products. Their self-tanner is streaky. Their shimmery lotions have caused me to break out in hives on more than one occasion.
Vanessa: Victoria’s Secret athletic clothes are pointless. Stop putting fake boobs in sports bras. (You too, Nike!) The point of working out is not to have extra boobs. The point of working out is to flatten them as much as possible to get them out of the way of your workout. Also, if you have even the slightest bit of extra skin or fat around the armpit area, you’re out of luck because you’re going to chafe. And the 2/$40 for pajama items is NOT a deal — it’s highway robbery. Just because 2/$40 sounds catchy, it shouldn’t be classified as a sale.
Also, what the hell is a bralette? It isn’t a crop top, nor is it a bra. Where can someone possibly wear this thing? Certainly not a dinner. Certainly not to work. The fabric isn’t even enough for a night out. Maybe a music festival?
Victoria’s Secret used to sell classy pea coats and bra-tops, which are great tank and halter tops with little cutlets. They had flattering jeans and gorgeous casual dresses. I actually signed up for my first store credit card at Victoria’s Secret when I turned 18 because I loved their clothing items so much.
But things have changed. Last year, the store announced they’re no longer going to sell clothes anymore, so perhaps they should just focus on model recruitment. I mean, the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show is always fun to watch. Without Victoria’s Secret models, Leonardo DiCaprio might have to get on Bumble.
Bre: The Victoria’s Secret fashion show is the one runway show where it’s as much about the women as it is about the clothes. The outfits (or lack thereof) are actually flattering, unlike the horrific messes of an outfit (like this and this and this) usually featured runway shows. In other words, the Victoria’s Secret fashion show is fun for normal people to watch because it’s the one runway show that doesn’t offend the aesthetic sensibilities of the average person.
Vanessa: Even if the store were to focus on recruiting models, that might not be enough to pull it together. In an age when everything is “fat shaming” it won’t be long before the mere existence of a Victoria’s Secret angel is offensive. Look around — Aerie uses “real women” for their models. Dove wants to make a point to show you that you don’t have to be a size 0 to use their soap for some reason. Sorry, Adriana Lima — you might need to start checking out community colleges!
Bre: But really though, what’s even the point of putting on a huge, globally televised runway event for a store that’s lost its niche in the lingerie market? Their sales are down, their stock is plummeting, and they’re not selling the items that brought loyal customers like us back into their stores.
What’s probably the saddest part of Victoria’s Secret’s demise is that they literally cannot sell sex to millennials — a generation that’s made it very obvious they’re not as interested in knocking boots as their grandparents were.