The mystery of Hillary Clinton’s reaaaaaallllyyyy long bathroom break at the December Democratic debate has been solved.
For months, the American public has been left in the dark as to why Clinton refused to share a bathroom with another woman in a multi-stalled facility, which caused her to return to the podium embarrassingly late — after the commercial break had already ended.
But in an interview today, Clinton confessed something that sheds some light on her odd bathroom behavior: she’s a hot sauce fiend. According to Hilldog, she keeps it in her purse and puts it on all of her food.
Not to be vulgar, but if I was downing hot sauce all the time, I’d probably want my own restroom too. To her credit, Clinton’s solitary bathroom preference seems more like an act of of mercy than a diva-like demand. Hillary was willing to make herself late to the debate podium in order to spare other women some foul and rotten misery.
Her hot sauce revelation also highlights the extent she’s betrayed the trust of the American public. Most Americans have thought that she’s “dishonest” and a “liar,” for quite some time now, but it’s literally gotten to the point where any time she opens her mouth — even when it’s to express a culinary preference — everyone assumes she’s telling a falsehood in an effort to pander to a specific group of voters.
The ironic part is that she’s actually telling the truth. Clinton actually does carry Tabasco sauce and red pepper flakes in her purse wherever she goes. What’s more — when she was First Lady, Clinton reportedly kept the White House pantry stocked with more than 100 bottles of hot sauce at all times.
She has also touted the benefits of spicy food in the past — which we all know she desperately needs as she is prone to coughing fits on the regular.
The collective Internet’s reflexive disbelief of her hot sauce confession is not just a lesson in how little the public trusts her, but also speaks to how surprising it is that she actually eats and is human.
The fact that she actually puts a bite of food in her mouth, chews it, and swallows is shocking. Before hot sauce gate, I’d always assumed she forced long-time aide Huma Abedin to eat Clinton’s cravings for her.
I imagined that it probably looks like this scene from “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” in which über-bitch Mrs. Vorhees makes Kimmy stress eat a hamburger while crying and sucking on her thumb.
So, Hillary Clinton eats. She also enjoys spicy foods and goes to great lengths (even risking the safety of her purses and all of their contents) to ensure that she can season her meals to her liking. This lady doesn’t subject other women to the consequences of her spicy preferences, either, but America simply isn’t buying it. Sad!
