Millicent Is the Zombie Fighter We Should All Strive To Be

Millicent Is the Zombie Fighter We Should All Strive To Be

The zombie apocalypse will be full of life-and-death decisions and cold calculus. Millicent is instantly comfortable making the tough calls.
Mary Katharine Ham
By

This week, two brothers played the prank heard ‘round the world on their little sister. Young Millicent, we learn at the beginning of a viral video that’s over 15 million views, is having her wisdom teeth out and will be high on anesthesia when her brothers pick her up. They proceed to convince her, via collaboration with their mom and faked Center for Disease Control broadcasts, the zombie apocalypse is happening. What follows is three minutes of frantic and hilarious zombie prep caught on dash cam as the brothers ask Millicent what they should do, what they should take, where they should go, and even who they should save.

The entire video is delightful, not just because the pranksters are clever, but because their mark is.

Despite her impairment, Millicent proves to be calm, strong, and able to make quick decisions in uncertain and frightening times. Wise beyond her years, she’s the kind of no-nonsense woman you want riding shotgun, with a shotgun, when the zombies come for us.

Here are six quotes that show Millicent is the perfect zombie fighter. She may be capable of single-handedly redeeming the Millennial generation with the sheer force of her gumption.

“You’re driving like a slug. Get to the house!”

Upon hearing of the zombie apocalypse and the aggressive virus and cannibalism laying waste to the area, Millicent orders her brother Cabot to drive faster. It’s important in a zombie apocalypse to know what you don’t know. Are these “Evil Dead” zombies or “World War Z” zombies? Whether they’re marathoners or sprinters, Millicent insists on best practices: move quickly.

“We have guns! Why are you putting garden equipment in the car??”

Weaponry is paramount. Millicent quickly grasps that her brothers’ haphazard prep is not cutting it. Her instant, seamless transition from normal suburban Sunday drive to real-deal end-times decision-making is remarkable. Millicent skips the confusion, moral hand-wringing and half measures of your average scream queen and goes straight to the literal big guns. No long, ponderous discussions ala “The Walking Dead’s” Andrea for this girl. Brava.

“Get me a knife!”

But Millicent also knows ammo is a limited resource, naturally in even higher demand as civilization crumbles. They’re going to need backup when it runs out. She rolls her eyes as her brother mansplains a grabber tool to her as if to say, “I’m the one who asked for guns. I know how to work this QVC household gadget, dammit.” Millicent then demands a knife, showing a willingness to engage even in hand-to-hand combat. Millicent is keen on self-defense, even eager for it.

“THE CAT YOU IDIOT!”

The zombie apocalypse will be full of life-and-death decisions and cold calculus. Millicent is instantly comfortable making the tough calls. When asked whether they should save the family cat or dog, she doesn’t waste precious time hemming and hawing. Her declaration is one of utter confidence with a sprinkling of contempt for anyone who would question her: “THE CAT, YOU IDIOT.” The speed and certainty of her decision projects confidence so that other family members who might be inclined to launch into a debate over the pros Roxy the decrepit lab brings to the table are discouraged. She is the leader. The dog stays. You idiot. This is no longer a democracy.

“He’s the worst. He’s already dying. Get the cat!”

Those whom we can save get priority. The weak must be left behind. The dog is the smallest gazelle and Millicent ain’t hanging out waiting to be picked off with him. Deal with it. In case anyone needed justification for “THE CAT, YOU IDIOT,” they now have it. When her brothers bring the cat to her and remind her the dog will be left behind, Millicent triples down on her decision with a calm “That’s fine.” This is the Waterford of moral clarity. It doesn’t get any more crystal clear.

“No, it’s gonna be a bloodbath in there.”

When her brothers suggest going by Costco to stock up for their run, she immediately puts the kibosh on that plan. Millicent knows Costco is for every novice who never thought twice about the zombie apocalypse.  The rush for bulk goods in these dark times is a sucker’s game and a death sentence, providing a buffet of panicky rookies for the zombies among us. She will not lead her family into that trap for a 6-month supply of Cocoa Puffs.

When the zombie apocalypse does come, many will be weighed on the scales and found wanting. Millicent will not be one of them. Anyone would be lucky to have her riding shotgun on the day of reckoning.

 

Mary Katharine Ham is a CNN contributor.

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