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Everything You Need To Know About Winning A Thanksgiving Argument

This one cool trick will guarantee that you win every Thanksgiving political argument with your family.


Don’t start one. That’s how you win.

Don’t be that guy. Don’t ruin Thanksgiving by thinking anyone cares about your stupid political opinions. Don’t con yourself into thinking those stupid talking points you memorized from a site that specializes in Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian photos will convince anyone with a brain. Don’t pretend that the two years you’ve spent doing nothing at a fancy college make you an expert on anything other than running up massive amounts of student debt for no good reason.

Don’t do it. Just don’t. Whenever you feel the urge to demonstrate how brilliant you are, don’t. Say “this stuffing is great” or “thank you for passing the butter” or “what time is the game on?” You don’t have to know what game it is. You don’t even need to know the sport. Your family will appreciate that you are finally interested in something other than annoying the crap out of everybody. The fact that you tried to act like a decent human being with a basic understanding of manners will make everybody’s weekend.

“Remember that time little Jimmy kept his trap shut about how true social justice requires us to use only fair trade, free range turkeys that were properly Mirandized before receiving their final meal of locally sourced quiñoa?” they’ll ask. “That was the best Thanksgiving ever.”

“My favorite holiday memory is when Sally chose not to ask whether the pumpkin really granted affirmative consent before being turned into a GMO-fueled pie of white privilege,” is how your family will lovingly recount that one time you kept your opinions to yourself during dinner.

If you want this Thanksgiving to be fun and enjoyable for the whole family, don’t start any arguments. Don’t bring up politics. Don’t ruin everything by starting a stupid Thanksgiving argument about politics. It’s really that simple.

Thanksgiving arguments about politics are a lot like global thermonuclear war: the only winning move is not to play.