We should all know and realize that movies aren’t realistic at all. No one has super powers, you don’t have a flawless soundtrack when walking down the street, and romantic gestures that happen in movies are so outlandish, they’re usually illegal. If your girlfriend constantly asks why you can’t be more like a character from her favorite rom-com, share this with her and let her know it’s because you don’t want to spend years in prison. That’s the truest love of all.
1. Playing A Song At Full Volume Outside Someone’s Window
If it’s John Cusack, it’s adorable. If it’s your creepy ex blasting “Hold My Hand” by Hootie and the Blowfish while chugging down a warm Bud Light and eating a biscuit from KFC, you’re calling the cops. That’s disturbing the peace, and if you do that next to my house, I will press charges without even batting an eye. Sorry, Lloyd Dobler: I’ll see you in court.
2. Beating Up Someone Who Disrespected Your Girl
Have you ever been in public and seen someone get punched? It’s terrifying. Everyone starts running, babies all over the city begin to weep, and rookie cops start vomiting everywhere. Maybe that’s a little dramatic, but in movies they always make it look like a sweet gesture when a guy punches someone in the face who tried to dance with his girl or disrespected her. That is 100 percent illegal. You can’t just assault someone for asking your girl on a date. Watch one of those “Cheaters” episodes where things go wrong and the guys end up fighting. It’s a nightmare.
3. Climbing Up A Fire Escape To Declare Your Love
Richard Gere was so sweet at the end of “Pretty Woman,” wasn’t he? He pulled up in that tacky white limo and climbed the fire escape to sweep his prostitute lover off her feet. First of all, just use the stairs, dude. While you won’t be arrested for climbing a fire escape, it will get you a ticket. I know Edward Lewis was loaded, but how much hand and mouth stuff would his new girlfriend have to do to strangers to pay off his fine? It’s not worth it, Gere.
4. Secretly Filming Your Crush
“American Beauty” did for creepy weirdos what “Bring It On” did for cheerleaders: made them even more intolerable. In “American Beauty,” introverted neighbor Ricky Fitts is spotted with a camcorder in hand recording his young neighbor Jane through her window. Not only are you going to jail, but no girl on earth is going to appreciate this. Plus, they were high school students, so he’s going to jail for child porn as well. You should’ve stuck to shooting plastic bags, pal.
5. Stalking Your Obsession
Remember in “Untamed Heart” when Christian Slater got Marisa Tomei to fall in love with him after rescuing her? It’s really nice that he protected her from attackers, but he had been stalking her for God knows how long. He knew where she lived and had taken pictures of her to decorate his room like the end of season three of “Lost” when Jack was trying to figure out how to get back to the island. Everything about this is not only illegal, but it’s completely terrifying.
6. Sneaking Past Airport Security
It’s truly shocking the “Love Actually” writers thought we would believe that, in a post-9/11 world, anyone could get by security without a ticket to declare his love to a passenger before departing. If this were “Home Alone,” I could get behind it because, first of all, that movie is awesome, and secondly, that was in the ’90s when all you needed to get through airport security was a pinkie swear promising you weren’t a terrorist. It may seem like a beautiful moment as a couple reconciles in the middle of a busy airport, but the Shoe Bomber Richard Reid has a better chance of getting a job with the Transportation Security Agency than you do of pulling that off.
7. Interrupting A Wedding
Okay, so it’s not necessarily illegal, but odds are that you’re going to get the crap beat out of you for attempting this. For some reason, guys in movies love dragging their feet for years and then at the last possible second charging in and attempting to ruin an innocent man’s life to declare their love to a girl they’ve overlooked for years. Before you make your objection known and express your love in front of all of her soon-to-be husband’s friends and family, just know that she probably isn’t going to say yes to you, and if she does, everyone there is going to throw trash. If it were me, I would sue both of you for all the money wasted on the wedding. What am I supposed to do with a three-tier cake, you selfish jerk?
