22 Things More Entertaining Than The 2019 Oscars

22 Things More Entertaining Than The 2019 Oscars

Years from now, when “Roma” has long since disappeared from the top of our Netflix menus, the 2019 Oscars will be remembered for one thing only: the exhilarating sexual tension between newly single Lady Gaga and Sack from “Wedding Crashers.”

Hosted by no one for the first time in 30 years, the broadcast meandered, drifting between toothless bits and boring speeches from start to finish. Perhaps it was the Oscars we deserve in this stiflingly hypersensitive climate. Perhaps it was a purer celebration of film. Either way, despite being preceded by a months-long string of controversies, there was little excitement during Sunday’s ceremony.

The excitement was so minimal, in fact, that I graciously prepared a list of more interesting viewing options should you have made the mistake of saving the broadcast to your DVR. All of the options listed below would make for more entertaining viewing than the 2019 Oscars.

  1. “Mamma Mia 2”
  2. The commercials
  3. Your high school lab partner’s Instagram story
  4. “Ride Along”
  5. “Ride Along 2”
  6. Whatever is happening outside the nearest window
  7. “Mamma Mia 2” with commentary
  8. Anything on TLC
  9. All existing footage of Lady Gaga saying, “There could be 100 people in the room and 99 don’t believe in you, but all it takes is one…”
  10. “Mamma Mia 2” outtakes
  11. CNN
  12. “Blue’s Clues” (with Joe, not Steve)
  13. Your own reflection in the television screen
  14. “Holmes & Watson”
  15. A clock
  16. A broken clock
  17. The “Shallow” performance on an unbreakable loop for all eternity
  18. David Spade stand-up
  19. All of the “Friends” episodes with Ross’s monkey
  20. Whatever is happening with your distant cousins on Facebook Live
  21. Apple TV screensavers
  22. The slow burn of a 100-ounce candle melting gradually from start to finish
  23. “Mamma Mia 2’s” DVD menu

In conclusion, if you haven’t seen “Mamma Mia 2,” it was much better than “Roma.”

Emily Jashinsky is culture editor at The Federalist. You can follow her on Twitter @emilyjashinsky .
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