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A Democrat’s Foolproof Guide To Winning The 2022 Midterms In 7 Easy Steps

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Image CreditTed Eytan / Flickr

Here’s a helpful crash course on all the things Democrats should definitely be doing to reclaim party legitimacy and win voters’ hearts.

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All reports indicate that Republicans are going to clean house at the ballot box this November, in an indictment of the Biden administration and Democrat-led Congress’s failures over the past two years. But all hope is not lost for the incumbent party. Here’s a helpful crash course in all the things Democrats should definitely be doing between now and November to reclaim their legitimacy as a party and win voters’ hearts.

1. Put Grooming Kids at the Center of Your Platform

Parents just love knowing that their kindergarteners will be taught to question and explore a smorgasbord of sexual identities, and to categorize their toddling classmates as either colonizers or victims based on the color of their skin.

Democrats this fall should definitely yell “gay!” at the top of their lungs, and throw temper tantrums in the direction of anyone who tells them they can’t encourage elementary schoolers to swap sexes and hide it from their parents. They should also run campaign ads with Disney drag queens talking about how badly they want to talk about sex with voters’ children. Billboard campaigns inviting all child groomers from red states to come to blue ones are another great way to win hearts and minds.

2. Keep Raising Gas Prices

People love paying more money for gasoline, as evidenced by the proud Biden stickers they keep slapping onto gas pumps to show their appreciation. They love it almost as much as being shamed for driving their gas-guzzlers to work, church, school, and social gatherings. Having politicians whose fancy limousines are financed on the taxpayer’s dime urge you to drop $56,437 on a Tesla makes the process even more enjoyable.

3. Tell Parents They Don’t Matter

Parents love being told that they should stay out of their own kids’ education almost as much as they like knowing their kids are being turned into little sex-confused racists with Z pronouns and deformed genitals. Siccing the Department of Justice on parents who dare to show up to school board meetings and calling them domestic terrorists is a foolproof way to win votes from the many, many normal Americans who understand that parents have no right to interfere with the state’s raising of their children.

4. Keep Telling Everyone They’re Racists and/or Victims

People with light skin (especially poor, working-class ones or recent immigrants) love being told they’re racist colonizers at fault for everything wrong with America. Americans with darker skin love being told they’re victims who will never be able to succeed thanks to a racist system that holds them back. Normally these statements would be considered stereotypes, but don’t worry, it’s not a stereotype if it helps achieve equity. Just like actual discrimination in the name of achieving anti-discrimination is a totally sensible and admirable tactic.

Also, Hispanic Americans love to be called Latinx. And Asian Americans love having their kids discriminated against in the name of racial inclusion. Do more of this.

5. No Really, Keep Trying to Abolish the Police

In a poll published by Politico, even focus groups listed as “Black Base, Always vote for Dems, Ages 25+” and “Youth Base; Always vote for Dems, Ages 25–39” voiced concerns about crime and specifically the “repeat offenders” who are let back out on the streets by Demcorats’ soft-on-crime bail policies. Clearly, people want fewer cops in their cities to curb rising crime rates.

Instead, they’re looking for unarmed social workers to respond to their 911 calls — or, even better, no one to respond to those 911 calls at all. Calling 911 if your house is broken into, after all, “comes from a place of privilege.”

Voters also love having their cities filled with homeless druggies who are enticed by government-sponsored free drugs and alcohol. The only thing better is if you can get radical antifa rioters to take over police stations and set up autonomous zones in local downtowns.

6. Start More Nuclear Wars

Who doesn’t love having the threat of nuclear war with Russia hanging over their heads? Americans aren’t actually worried about inflation or their kids’ educations. What they really want is for their compassion and sympathy for struggling people in Ukraine to be manipulated in order to escalate tensions with a nuclear power and drag the U.S. to the brink of war in Europe.

“Bring Back the Good Old Days of the Cold War” is a winning campaign slogan, and extra brilliant because it not only invokes the foreign affairs of the 1970s but also the decade’s economic policies.

7. Call All of Your Opponents White Supremacists

You’ll never need to engage with another argument or explain another policy again if you just follow this simple rule. Remember how well it worked for Terry McAuliffe! Bonus points if you stage a fake tiki torch display but only if you then take credit for it after the entire internet makes fun of you. (Note: your opponent does not have to be white for this rule to work! Just call them “white adjacent” or something. Democrats don’t discriminate.)