As we’ve covered extensively here at The Federalist, Vox is super smart, never gets anything wrong, and knows everything about everything. It is, after all, run by the smartest thinkers asking the toughest questions. Questions like “How long is this imaginary bridge in Israel?” or “How many pages are in Kim Kardashian’s new book?” or “How come Taylor Swift’s new song is so perfect you guys OMG?”
Those are the questions pondered by the world’s smartest minds.
But even more impressive than Vox’s ability to know everything there is to know is Vox’s humility in the face of its obvious omnipotence. Did you know that everything you need to know about a topic can be condensed into a few hundred words? You didn’t? Well, that’s why you don’t work at Vox. If you’re lucky, maybe they’ll publish a piece on everything you need to know about learning everything there is to know about everything that’s ever happened.
Here are 43 topics that Vox wants you to think it knows everything about.
1. The Internet
Seriously, that’s a real post. They literally know everything there is to know about the Internet. Al Gore, call your office.
2. Easter eggs
3. Patents
4. Human exploration of Mars
Do not let the fact that no human has ever explored Mars get in the way of Vox telling you it knows everything there is to know about humans exploring Mars. Note that this explainer does not include information on how a human might get to Mars in order to explore it.
5. The NSA and Edward Snowden
Not included: an answer to the question “Where, exactly, is Edward Snowden?”
6. Obamacare
Pay special attention to the last time this fauxsplainer was updated. If anything happened after May 15 — let’s say, for example, a major court case in which a bunch of Obamacare subsidies were deemed illegal — you don’t need to know about it.
7. The Ukraine crisis
8. Apple
Again: ignore everything that’s happened since June. You don’t need to know about it.
9. Global warming
Missing from this card stack is a how-to guide on how to build an accurate climate prediction model, which is unfortunate, because the climate alarmist movement could really, really use some help on that front.
10. Common Core
11. How to watch “Game of Thrones”
Everything you need to know about people who regularly read Vox is summed up in this single post: they need an explainer on how to watch TV.
12. The SAT
For obvious reasons, I asked two of the writers for this piece whether they aced the SAT. Neither responded.
13. Benghazi
14. Fracking
Contrary to what the title of this led me to believe, its author has not actually spent an entire career working in the energy extraction business. And yet he knows everything there is to know about it! Amazing.
15. Obama’s immigration policies
16. The Heartbleed bug
17. Flight MH17
18. Super PACs
19. Income inequality
20. Net neutrality
21. Bitcoin
22. Bank capital
23. Gay marriage
24. E-cigarettes
25. Marijuana legalization
26. Student debt
27. Prisons
“Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?”
28. Charter schools
29. Gerrymandering
30. Israel-Palestine
Did you know there’s a massive bridge from Gaza to the West Bank? You didn’t? That’s because there isn’t one. But that didn’t stop Vox from telling us everything we needed to know about it.
31. BRIDGEGHAZI!!!!!!!!1111
Speaking of an obsession with bridges…
32. The minimum wage
33. Jobs Day
34. GDP
35. Occupational licensing
36. The VA scandal
This is an especially odd thing for them to claim they know everything about, since Vox’s founders previously spent a whole lot of time and energy telling us that the VA was providing really awesome health care for veterans.
37. The so-called streetcar craze
38. The War on Drugs
39. Genetically modified foods.
40. College costs
41. Genetic testing
42. Vaccines
43. Pope Francis
Yep. Pope Francis. Vox knows everything there is to know about Pope Francis. Vox doesn’t know how baptism works, but it knows everything you need to know about the Holy See.
