Hans Fiene
Hans Fiene
Hans Fiene
Hans Fiene is a Senior Contributor to The Federalist. He is a Lutheran pastor in Illinois and the creator of Lutheran Satire, a series of comical videos intended to teach the Lutheran faith. Follow him on Twitter, @HansFiene .
You Should Thank God That Your Kids Are Mediocre Athletes

Thank God that your kids haven’t displayed the athletic prowess necessary to trick you into spending a fortune you don’t have for a dream that will almost certainly never materialize.

4 Things To Pray For Now That The Election Is Over

Many of us prayed for the election beforehand. Now that it’s over, it’s time to pray again. In fact, those of us on all sides of the election can pray for the same things.

Comparing Trump To Beyonce Doesn’t Mean Christians Think All Sins Are Equal

None of my fellow conservative Christians would compare Trump’s words to other filthy speech if they believed he were guilty of something more heinous, namely sexual assault.

5 Ways To Handle The Creepy Clowns Infiltrating Your Neighborhood

Knowing how to respond to these circus-from-hell freaks is, like many moral quandaries, rather difficult.

Norm Macdonald’s Book Isn’t A Book, But It Is Hilarious

Norm Macdonald set out to write a memoir and ended up with something else entirely. That result is ab-convulsing proof that the underappreciated Macdonald stands heads and shoulders above his comedic peers.

8 Steps The Catholic Church Could Take To Approve Gay Marriage Like Tim Kaine Expects

Is there a genuine possibility that Rome could follow the example of mainline Protestantism and collectively shipwreck its faith? Tim Kaine thinks so. Here’s how it would happen.

Pumpkin Beer Is Super Gross

As one who sees the inherent value in both pumpkin and beer, I can confidently say that they don’t belong together. Their respective flavors pair as well as a chocolate and mustard milkshake.

How To Make The Bible Support Any Sexual Practice In 3 Easy Steps

These three simple steps will help you pave the next mile of the Sexual Liberation Expressway and get those Bible-believing bigots off the road.

Baby Haters Use Global Warming To Justify Their Selfishness

The only compelling reason to embrace the doomsdayers’ radical interpretation is that it pairs well with your aversion to sucking the snot of a toddler’s nose.

How To Explain Cop Killers To Kids

A little girl I know has learned there are people who have never even met her father but who want to take his life and the lives of other police officers.

No Matter How Many Priests ISIS Kills, They Can’t Win

Quite simply, God sent Father Hamel to forgive sins, and these satanically inspired agents of ISIS sent themselves to stop him.

Why Mark Burns’ RNC Benediction Was Terrible

If you want to defeat the forces of godlessness inside the Democratic Party, get off the stage in Cleveland and go do what God says will actually drive sin from the hearts of both Republicans and Democrats.

How Jon Stewart Killed Late-Night Comedy

‘You’re hurting America.’ Those are the words that killed late-night comedy and gave birth to advocacy-with-jokes.

The Rise Of Cultural Parasites

Until recently, if an Indian musician felt that the works of Mozart didn’t reflect his culture, he didn’t start a ‘Give the Symphony a Sitar’ hashtag campaign.

Why Transgender Advocates Don’t Believe Anything They Say

Acknowledging the truth might change transgender advocates’ positions, and changing their positions would require them to stop saying magic words they didn’t believe.

The Death Of Prince And The Death of Jesus

Despite reveling in sexually explicit material, Prince also wrote more explicitly Christian lyrics than any mainstream musician of that era not named Bono.

Ask Hillary Clinton Why Abortion Is A ‘Difficult Decision’

When Hillary Clinton labels abortion ‘difficult,’ she concedes almost every argument of the pro-life movement.

Two Explanations for ‘The Passion’s’ Lackluster Ratings

Christians probably just don’t trust TV networks any more. Besides, in ‘The Passion,’ Fox was serving them the same pablum they can get anywhere.

3 Ways Joel Osteen And Donald Trump Are the Same Person

Joel Osteen praising Donald Trump is like Elmo telling you that his favorite fellow Muppets are Statler and Waldorf. What gives?

Tampons Are Not A Human Right

Featuring the liberal flowchart of human rights. Hint: If it exists and liberals want it, it’s a right.