Shifting on his pedestal, the vague apparition tried to ascertain his boundaries. He couldn’t exactly remember how he’d ended up there, but he was sure it had something to do with Agamemnon. Most forget about the hero’s dalliances with dark magic and a time machine. Even Wikipedia excludes this facet in its history of the hologram.
Ralph wasn’t destined to remain thusly trapped, even though he pronounced it r-ā-f. He was instead destined for that fateful day when he got hit with a power surge. Upon receiving that blast, he drifted in and out of here and there, always bordering between reality and vague apparition, but drifting more towards reality. He was like Pinocchio, I guess.
And he knew he existed; like Pinocchio, he was certain of it. If only there were obvious moves to solidify his obvious solidity. Then, he discovered that such solidifying moves were out there, waiting, watching. Ralph laid back and grooved, his capybara Anastasia at his side.
Metro (Berlin cover)
— taffy b (@singwithTaffy) February 28, 2018
No, this is a literal capybara. It’s not without its charms, though.
You might not be asking for rhetorical sass but that’s what you’ll get.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) February 13, 2018
Fortunately, it stopped short of this.
If he ever appeared in my kitchen I would kill the Pillsbury Doughboy without even thinking twice about it
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) February 25, 2018
After the bodies stop smoldering and the flames finally die down you will never again question the magic in a young girls heart
— Hat (@HatTheButcher) February 27, 2018
For though he had just materialized, Ralph knew he had a purpose.
Your suspicious nature makes my heart glad.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) December 29, 2017
He was loose, out there in a wild world, but one with so many happy trees. All of them watching, waiting.
My art of war, by Bob Ross.
— Bogey (@OneyeBogey) February 25, 2018
The getaway routes didn’t offer much better.
I like how all parking garage elevators have that fun crime scene ambiance.
— Seamus McKracken (@seamusmckracken) February 13, 2018
Plus, there were so many eyes, watching, waiting.
Tired of women looking at me like a half- dressed muscly guy standing on a hill of dead robots.
— Wondering (@stillwondering1) March 1, 2018
Ralph found a hill upon which to stand, and spoke.
By the way, has anyone else seen the TED talk where the phantasm that hovers above the stage just stares at everyone menacingly?
— Concrete blond (@Super_Cynthia) March 2, 2018
One member of the audience misunderstood and stormed out, misunderstandingly.
Sorry, I thought that you said 'sociopathy.'
No. I'm not interested in sociology.
— Nicken Drumsticks (@beefman138) February 26, 2018
Ralph quickly corrected him.
Bloodbath? Well why didn't you say so?…come on in.
— 🌹Be̶̶t̶̶h̶ (@BeeHaven007) February 27, 2018
And continued to explain.
I’m here in the pre-cognitive fray
— Buddawiggi (@MarkBuckawicki) February 27, 2018
Though not without qualifications.
The district attorney will have you believe that I was looking for a reason to use a taser, but maybe you should think for yourself.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) February 25, 2018
Not just because of this.
I've never given anyone the business
— Böb Jänke (@Bob_Janke) February 24, 2018
This added a dose of authenticity.
mantra: with a little bit of static
— sarah (@girlnarly) September 14, 2017
Ralph decided to end his talk and head out. He wasn’t prepared for what he stumbled into, literally. He apologized for intruding and moved on.
Of all the roadside ditches behind all the abandoned factories in all the world, she crawls into mine.
— Rich Harrington (@McNarstle) February 15, 2018
Okay, maybe his apology was lacking in authenticity. Regardless.
I mean no disrespect. It's something a lot more menacing.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) February 21, 2018
Anastasia was confused but intrigued.
That doesn't make any sense at all. I'm obviously on board.
— Casey Duncan (@caseytduncan) February 8, 2018
Also, Ralph wasn’t great at multitasking.
I’m a terrible multi-catastrophizer.
— J™ (@CommonSavant) February 12, 2018
But he was properly outfitted.
My perfume isn't cheap! I'll have you know that my perfume comes from some of the best magazines.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) February 28, 2018
And prepared for any situation.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 19, 2018
bucket list: engineer my life so that it ends up as a cautionary tale
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) January 29, 2018
But I repeat myself.
I will never be satisfied until I can morph into a crow at will and register my screech of displeasure against every hard surface in this city.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) January 25, 2018
Ralph got out his tools. He could rebuild himself better, faster, stronger.
The cool thing about my avi is no one can see my sad little robot legs
— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) January 7, 2014
Though he tired quickly.
I am not going to sit here and be insulted!!
*moves to a more comfortable chair*
Ok, carry on.
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) February 28, 2018
That’s when he found himself sitting in a minivan, noticing the, umm, din surrounding him.
Go ahead – say cacophony one more time. I dare you.
— bombsy (@bombsydoll) February 26, 2018
He wondered if he was in a Van Halen video. David Lee Roth era for those who think that implies a question.
My contribution to school spirit week is not wearing a bra to drop off
— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) February 27, 2018
The ‘80s were an era of unlimited possibility.
If you want a murder island you have to make it happen.
— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) February 15, 2018
Ralph experienced a weird feeling. Was it hunger?
There. Just finished putting a curse on all of you. What’s for dinner?
— NotJPo 👸🏻 (@Peauxtassium) February 22, 2018
Or was it an opportunity for self-reliance?
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
— V (@Inferno_V) July 15, 2015
In any case, Ralph wasn’t having any Facebook nonsense.
Stop calling yourself a “Lifestyle Expert”, okay? I’m a fucking Lifestyle Expert too. Be more specific.
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) February 27, 2018
Well, maybe a little nonsense.
I told her she's prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I've encountered.
— Rev. Dr. Thurl H. Ravenscrof (@2tickytacky) November 12, 2017
Plus, a time machine!
I will be posting more about this tomorrow. I’m enraged. I thought the new Winter Olympics looked stupid from the previews. Had no idea they were going to be so competitive. We have to give participation trophies, folks. We have to make our voices heard.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) February 12, 2018
And some sound financial advice.
It must be easy for rappers to do their taxes since they itemize their expenses in every song.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) February 8, 2018
Okay, where were we?
See you all in hell.
— BarSt🌟r (@Elynnbarstar) February 27, 2018
Oh yeah, we were plotting.
I’m not very crafty.
This is my attack glitter.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 10, 2018
But also keeping it real.
Keep it in perspective. All the dead climbers on Mount Everest were once goal-oriented overachievers, too.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) February 3, 2018
Accepting our limitations.
As a kid I wanted to be a cult leader, but couldn't cause I'm not popular or liked
— em jazz hand cats (@EmiAirHeart) June 28, 2017
Asking the tough questions.
Does this figure skating outfit make me look like a chandelier?
— RunwayDan (@RunwayDan) February 12, 2018
But remembering the lessons that Ralph taught us.
Being the voice of a generation is exhausting, but someone has to do it.
— Spence (@SpenceDen) February 5, 2018
And fighting off interlocutors.
epitaph: keith richards drained my life force.
— ʆℴ Ɗเ꒸꒸เƚყ (@WhaJoTalkinBout) February 8, 2018
Not always successfully.
What doesn't kill you only carries you back to its nest so its nightmare baby can eat you instead
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) May 15, 2017
The audience, always with an opinion, though not always a welcome one.
Tragically, people chortle, guffaw, and sputter much less frequently than a lifetime of reading had led me to believe.
— Myrrh (@ixix82) February 4, 2018
Ralph had a strategy for responding to their silence.
Gonna answer every question today with, "Yo momma."
— Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe) February 9, 2018
It involved tactical gear.
I lead a vibrant and exciting life so strap on your fanny pack
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) February 22, 2018
Also, the worst fortune cookie ever.
According to the actuarial tables, I should have been lost at sea 4 years ago.
— Gret¢hen (@wokkax3) February 13, 2018
I’d like to think you’re the first man to threaten to murder me and mean it.
— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) February 10, 2018
Though it wasn’t totally bereft of ideas. Ralph did find some inspiration.
Make her laugh. Talk about algorithms. Build sentient machine together. Upload self to the internet. Best first date ever.
— meh (@bonehugsnirony) June 6, 2017
And he had some laurels to rest upon.
The details are unimportant. What matters is nobody was probed against their will.
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) March 1, 2018
There were also blemishes.
It's the day after the festival when it sinks in.
You just spent fifty-eight dollars on a handmade broom.
You can recover but the kids, when they look at you, the light's not there anymore.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) February 24, 2018
Mostly, though, there was strategery.
I keep a few mannequin heads and when the house gets really messy, I put them out. Keeps visitors from asking any questions.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) February 19, 2018
Thus, Ralph arrived at the end of his day.
[Home from work]
"Oh good, now I can be angry in my comfy chair"
— Sardonic Tart 🇮🇹 (@SardonicTart) February 12, 2018
Spinning around to face, well, no one, Ralph nonetheless began pontificating. He was due, having emerged from the confines of a holographic prison, as it were.
He ruminated upon his escape and his subsequent non-adventures, save for the capybara sidekick, Anastasia. Anastasia, though, hadn’t really added much to the escapades. One expects more from such a sidekick. Nonetheless, she was a capybara, and that counted for something.
Also, she offered a solemn promise. It was a good one. Mostly.
Hey, I only provide the diversion, not the alibi.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) February 2, 2018