This is a public service announcement. I was unable to commit to “The Bachelor” this season, but because I have so very many friends who did, I nonetheless know exactly what is happening with Arie Luyendyk, Jr. the somewhat lackluster silver fox race car driver for whose heart some 20 women of not very diverse hair color are vying. Along with our freedom, rock ’n’ roll, and almost limitless flavors of potato chips, this is one of the big perks of living in America these days.
In the penultimate episode of this season’s women winnowing (not counting the “Women Tell All”) an ex comes back!
Oh, yes, Chris Harrison has tricks up his sleeve as usual, and this time it is the possibly burgeoning love of Arie and Becca K. that will be tested. Arie and the gang are in Peru, whose tourist board has no doubt paid dearly to have these basic, attractive Americans weep openly against the backdrop of its stunning vistas.
But it’s not just the members of the “Bachelor” cast and crew who make it to this lovely locale. Oh, no. Ross is also here. Ross is a strength and conditioning coach for the Stanford University football team. He is a very handsome young man who looks like he does quite a bit of strength and conditioning work. He is also sweet Becca’s ex of seven years, and he has traveled many a mile to find her and tell her he wants her back.
Oh, how we’ve all dreamed of this moment! An objectively handsome ex shows up to tell you he made a grave error by giving you up while you are also currently being pursued by another somewhat-less-conventionally-handsome-but-still-cute-if-you’re-into-that-kind-of-thing race car driver. You have two really eligible birds in the hand. I think that’s the saying. Anyway, you have two choices. You can accept the groveling and grand gesture of your longtime ex who has just recently seen the error of his ways. Emotionally gratifying! Also, very hot. I’m not sure I mentioned that. Is there a case for that?
Ross lays it on pretty thick in Peru. He tells Arie, whom he really doesn’t need to talk to except the Bachelor producers are very interested in this being awkward AF, “this is my proposal to give.” Is it? If it were, it would seem you two would still be in a relationship, but what do I know of love? I couldn’t even commit to one season of “The Bachelor.” He would have “swam here if he had to.” This I do not doubt. I get the feeling Ross would be into the drama of this move and be pleased by its additional strength and conditioning elements. Plus, they’d totally do a montage of him emerging from the surf in slow motion. Wait, why didn’t Ross swim there? His Instagram is chock full of beach pics. He can definitely swim even if he can’t remember the proper conditional perfect form of “swim.”
This is all very compelling, but will Becca take him back, abandoning her opportunity for a successful lifestyle blog, some paid club openings, and the chance at a career in future “Bachelor”-related programming? Wait, I mean love. Will she abandon this opportunity for true love?
Which leads us to your other option in this scenario. Handsome ex comes back, confesses he was a fool to let you go, and you politely but sorta smugly tell him to hit the road, not with malicious glee but just the hint of a smile and a bless-your-heart nod of the head. Becca chooses door No. 2 even though homeboy actually proposes to her. This is wise.
Becca’s ex shows up in a full suit after finding out that she’s on the show. Apparently, he stalked her down on the Internet, flew to Peru, and is ready to make the proposal. When he goes to Becca’s door though, she shuts him out and won’t invite him into her Peruvian mini villa. He goes for the big question anyway, literally proposing to Becca. He even references The Notebook. Unfortunately, it’s a ‘no’ from Becca.
Alas, he was fishing for love in the wrong place.
Ross went big, but he has to go back to the weight room. I respect the fact that he actually popped the question. That’d be quite a thing to follow through on if Becca had said yes, but I suspect he knew she wouldn’t. Why? Because he was there for the 7-year period during which he did not pop the question, even though Becca was a beautiful Midwestern girl in her prime getting-hitched years. All “Bachelor” nation knows of him is his Insta and that he showed up looking good in Peru. These things alone do not a successful marriage make, though neither do a couple of nationally televised, highly orchestrated group dates, one-one-ones, and a fantasy suite with a man who says “I love you” to everyone he meets, but I digress.
Ross had plenty of chances to get Becca back during the year they were apart before she was a finalist on ”The Bachelor,” and he evidently didn’t make that move. Instead, he waited until she was on national television about to get proposed to by Arie Luyendyk, Jr. before realizing she was the one for him. He then had “Bachelor” producers give him all the information he needed to orchestrate a high-stakes crashing of the Peruvian party to heighten the drama, get dumped, and make America fall in love with this down-home, perfectly toned thing he’s got going on.
“One fan compared photos of Ross to ones of Arie. “The Bachelor we want vs the Bachelor we got #TheBachelor #RossForBachelor.”
Another wrote, “Anyone else feelin’ Ross?! So far this guy has been more passionate, articulate, and charismatic in 10 mins than Arie has all season. #RossforBachelor.”
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“I would go on the show for him,” a possible future contestant tweeted.”
The sports world blogs were left to deliver the burns while everyone else swooned: “Ross becomes at least the sixth Stanford football person to come in second place in a nationally televised competition since 2009. He joins five Cardinal players who have finished second in Heisman Trophy voting in the same span.”
But I caution all of you. Though I hate to be a cynic in matters of love, if you find yourself in this position, your ex isn’t really that into you. Although, you know, he does sound kind of sincere, and he called them “soul mates,” and he’s so forthcoming and earnest.
Damn “Bachelor” producers have done it again!