The big expose from Michael Wolff on the Trump White House is out. “Fire and Fury” paints the administration as dysfunctional, desperate and dimwitted, and so far it’s been a huge success. The White House has already threatened legal action over the book, which Trump claims is wildly inaccurate, and that will probably only increase its sales. “The book Trump wants banned.”
An adaptation for the silver screen is almost sure to follow, probably in 2020, just in time to influence the election. “The movie Trump doesn’t want you to see.” The only real question here is how the movie will be cast.
That won’t be easy, and not just because Hollywood is losing casting directors left and right over sexual misconduct (there are what, maybe 3 left?). Director Rian Johnson is going to want the movie to be cast, just so.
So, here’s his perfect cast.
Donald Trump: John Lithgow
Trump is a hard character to cast and portray, precisely because he is such a character. His mannerisms, voice and tone are so specific that attempts at mimicry like Alec Baldwin’s on Saturday Night Live fall flat. Lithgow has a subtle style and is good as a villain who deep down is kind of all right. Basically, he will channel his business man bad guy in “Santa Claus: The Movie.”
Runner up: John Goodman
Steve Bannon: Owen Wilson
Wilson will be the star — the emotionally crippled antihero in six shirts who betrays his own creation for the good of the country, or was it for his own good? Wilson has the straight acting chops to make a compelling Bannon, but also the comedic chops to bring some levity to the grueling four and half hour film. He’ll have to gain some weight
Runner up: William H Macy
Special Note: It sucks that Philip Seymour Hoffman is not around to play this part.
Ivanka Trump: Margot Robbie
With raves coming in for her Oscar-worthy performance in “I Tonya,” Robbie’s transition from sexy action star to serious actor is complete. Robbie has the look and appeal to capture the first daughter. Her big bittersweet and powerful moment will be an impassioned speech about paid maternity leave. As she utters the last words, it will be revealed she is talking to an empty conference table.
Runner up: Mira Sorvino
Jared Kushner: Ashton Kutcher
The former teen heartthrob should have an easy time in this role given the similarity of the last names. He also comes off as a little sneaky, which will be key for the Jared character. While he’s not the best actor in the world, Kutcher won’t have to worry about sounding like Kushner, because nobody knows what Kushner sounds like.
Runner up: Zach Woods
Melania Trump: Mila Jovovich
Not only is Jovovich, like Melania, from one of those Eastern European places, she also knows about being married to power, having been the wife of acclaimed director Luc Besson. She’s also done a bit of modeling. Her tearful meltdown upon discovering Trump has won the election will open the film, and lead us into the opening credits.
Runner up: Michelle Pfeiffer
Reince Priebus: Joshua Malina
Malina is an expert at playing the aw shucksy, well-intentioned professional. He’ll already know his way around the set since he was in the West Wing, and he will ace the scene where he stares in the mirror practicing his compliments for Trump.
Runner up: Bradley Whitford
Mike Pence: Robert Duvall
Duvall has the lazy but piercing eyes needed to play the humble but powerful Pence. Like his turn as Tom in “The Godfather,” Duvall will be the trusted aide who just wants things to calm down. The only hint of discontent will come when he peers across a lunch table at Trump’s two scoops of ice cream, then at his own, single scoop, and shakes his head ever so slightly while letting out a silent sigh.
Runner up: Ed Harris
Anthony Scaramucci: Tom Cruise
The astounding 11 days when the Mooch was communications director is a perfect cameo vehicle for Cruise, who has the style, smile and charisma to play the women’s-sunglass-wearing Scaramucci. His profanity-laden rant to Ryan Lizza will be played entirely into his Bluetooth, as he lounges in a bathrobe sipping a glass of Merlot.
Runner up: Rob Lowe
Hope Hicks: Daisey Ridley
The Star Wars heroine is the deliciously ironic choice to play Hicks, the doting and loyal young woman who loves her powerful boss and steams his suit pants while he’s wearing them. In one important moment, she will watch the Women’s March on TV, anger on her face, and mutter, “That’s why none of you have husbands.”
Runner up: Felicity Jones
The Generals: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
All of the former generals in the White House will be played by Johnson since nobody can really tell them apart anyway. There will be a lot of stiff chin and head nodding when discussing military affairs, and he will repeatedly say, “Lets do this!” The role will no doubt be a boon to The Rock’s run for president in 2020.
Runner up: Clint Eastwood
Sherriff Clarke: Carl Weathers
I don’t even know if Sherriff Clarke is in the book, but he will definitely be in the movie. Nobody would pass up the opportunity to have Weathers don a Cowboy hat and goatee and threaten to “kick low T Rinos in the teeth,” while scowling.
Runner up: Ice T
Omarosa Manigault: Omarosa Manigault
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Melissa McCarthy
Sean Spicer: Melissa McCarthy.
Many other A list celebrities will dot the movie in cameos and quick clips. Ray Liotta as Paul Manafort, whispering in Russian into his cell phone, Woody Harrelson as Corey Lewandowski, Matt Damon as Evan McMullin, Jeff Bridges as Rick Perry trying to say “nukuler.”
Obviously the film will sweep the Oscars and land the award for best picture. The entire cast and crew will make the sign of the Resistance during their acceptance speeches, which by then will consist of taking a knee, raising hands and face skyward and yelling, “Why God, why?” Seven months later Trump will lose his defamation law suit against the film’s producers, and a few days after that he will be re-elected as president, perfectly setting the scene for “Fire and Fury 2: The Second Term.”