This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 104

This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 104

Brad stiffened, closing the window on a website dedicated to lilies and pulling up a spreadsheet as the HR rep walked a coworker by. The coworker was carrying a half-caf low-fat caramel macchiato made with three-quarters almond milk and one-quarter heavy cream and topped with vegan chocolate shavings. The name on the side of the cup said “Santa.”

Brad wasn’t focused on his spreadsheet, though, as the logistics of recycling bin placement weren’t his passion. Rather, he was wondering if he could breed a skunk with a Yorkie to create a small animal that could serve both as a pet and as a means of home defense. He was pretty sure the recipe for such a hybrid was hidden in the lyrics to “Yellow Ledbetter.”

He Googled the lyrics to the song and discovered they don’t exist. Well, there’s that one video that talks about Bennigan’s and potato wave, but no actual lyrics exist. For the moment, he abandoned his plans for a chimera and glanced in his teacup. He noticed a reflection that looked like a sword dangling above his head. Also, the tea was rippling, much like the water in “Jurassic Park.”

He turned quickly, but there was nothing there. No sword, no T-Rex. Maybe his spreadsheet had saved him.


Or maybe not.


He went back to his plans, expanding from merely home defense to all-the-time defense. There was a renewed sense of urgency.


In a strange twist, “Yellow Ledbetter” emanated from a nearby cube.


This almost made him wonder why he felt he needed to improve the design of a dog or if anyone would really want a skunk blasting people inside their homes, but he persisted.


Until lunch time, when he took a break.


He noticed the moon was out.


When he got back to his desk, another coworker was looking at his plans. He was about to get upset, but then she offered support.

He blurted out something about a series of fantasy novels he was planning, but it became obvious he was just restating the plot from “The Island of Doctor Moreau” with some bits from Loony Tunes mixed in. Strangely, it worked.


From across the room, they heard a scream. They weren’t to believe what happened next.


They’d tried to tell Erica that was a mistake. Brad realized his attack Skorkie needed to be much bigger than either animal naturally was.


There was another witness to the attack. He seemed pleased.


Brad and Phoebe, the coworker into the whole hybrid thing, decided to head to a coffee shop. The open office was becoming too dangerous an environment, and they needed to complete their plans. Plus, a friend was performing.


Brad needed to make a pit stop before sitting down. He asked the barista where the facilities were.


Things only got weirder from there, as he noticed someone pass by in the vent in the men’s room.


There was also the fracas going on at the table next to them.


Phoebe asked if they wanted to get in on the ground floor of their multilevel Skorkie marketing plan. Sondra was skeptical, while Phoebe was insouciant.


And a multilevel marketing scheme was better than some alternatives.


A stranger, having overheard their plans, approached. He wanted in on the action.


While a good pyramid scheme requires multiple partners, they weren’t interested in that family of carnivoran mammals and wandered off after pretending to not hear him.


No matter, for another shark appeared and Vincent sprang into action.


Meanwhile, one of the baristas waxed philosophical, as his PhD required him to do.


Bob replied to this pronouncement as only he could.


This piqued one of the customer’s interests.


She offered even more flattery.


Then came this shocking revelation.


Jenn, not Jenny, stepped over Bob and approached Brad and Phoebe about getting in on their pyramid scheme.


As she sat down, she noticed a laptop on the table next to her. At first she was concerned, then she was hungry.


The trio discussed if a Skorkie was really the best option and if maybe there was more money to be made from a scheme involving a Skountain Lion.


Or maybe if they should use people instead of animals.


Okay, we’re getting off-track here. Time to back up.


This is where it all started.


No, no, that’s not it. It was here.


There is definitely a plan at work here, I promise.


See?


Anyway, about the Skorkie Lion.


Too far or not too far enough? I think we know the answer here.


They began to wonder if they were trying to create an unholy beast that already existed.


Or if their creation would invite hatred such as this.


That’s when a voice came from the table next to them. Although curious about their plans, it had the tinge of “with all due respect” to it.


The entire coffee shop stopped to watch this kid play with his blocks. They sensed he had something important to say.


Everyone spilled out upon hearing his warning. The Skorkie Lion would have to wait as the trio pondered their mortality.


They piled into Brad’s car, wishing they already had an attack animal or maybe a really threatening club or something else. Others simply wanted a car.


Soon, they realized the folly of their hasty departure, but they were already driving so they decided to keep going. The coffee shop had proven to be more distracting than an open office plan anyway and their ideas had spiraled into complete nonsense. They needed to regroup and get serious about their pyramid scheme.

While Phoebe and Jenn looked out the windows, marveling at a magnificent quadruple rainbow, Brad checked the rearview mirror. What he saw left him with only one choice of action. He scowled and pressed his foot down, his road rage humming on all cylinders.

Richard Cromwell is a senior contributor to The Federalist. Follow him on Twitter, @rcromwell4.
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