Brad stiffened, closing the window on a website dedicated to lilies and pulling up a spreadsheet as the HR rep walked a coworker by. The coworker was carrying a half-caf low-fat caramel macchiato made with three-quarters almond milk and one-quarter heavy cream and topped with vegan chocolate shavings. The name on the side of the cup said “Santa.”
Brad wasn’t focused on his spreadsheet, though, as the logistics of recycling bin placement weren’t his passion. Rather, he was wondering if he could breed a skunk with a Yorkie to create a small animal that could serve both as a pet and as a means of home defense. He was pretty sure the recipe for such a hybrid was hidden in the lyrics to “Yellow Ledbetter.”
He Googled the lyrics to the song and discovered they don’t exist. Well, there’s that one video that talks about Bennigan’s and potato wave, but no actual lyrics exist. For the moment, he abandoned his plans for a chimera and glanced in his teacup. He noticed a reflection that looked like a sword dangling above his head. Also, the tea was rippling, much like the water in “Jurassic Park.”
He turned quickly, but there was nothing there. No sword, no T-Rex. Maybe his spreadsheet had saved him.
You seem like you’d be boring to murder.
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) July 25, 2017
Or maybe not.
I start off every eulogy with, ‘I guess it’s too late to apologize.’
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) October 3, 2017
He went back to his plans, expanding from merely home defense to all-the-time defense. There was a renewed sense of urgency.
You might be surprised to know that most of my decisions are made “under duress” or “without a lot of planning”.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) September 30, 2017
In a strange twist, “Yellow Ledbetter” emanated from a nearby cube.
[15 seconds of weird noises]
host: that is from the new single by Blarf Snerfsson, a half-moose, half-man xylophonist from Sweden.
— Some call me RZA (@jrza206) September 21, 2017
This almost made him wonder why he felt he needed to improve the design of a dog or if anyone would really want a skunk blasting people inside their homes, but he persisted.
I’m fairly confident I could draw some pretty accurate parallels between apples and oranges, jackass.
— AsKateGhouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) September 30, 2017
Until lunch time, when he took a break.
sit outside, watch some squirrels wrestle, smack a few bugs, dab some mulch behind ur ears & fall in love with nature all over again
— bombsy (@bombsydoll) September 26, 2017
He noticed the moon was out.
Looking up at the Moon, knowing that you’re looking at the same Moon as me, throwing rocks as hard as I can, hoping they hit you in the eye.
— Piece (@Piecezilla) September 27, 2017
When he got back to his desk, another coworker was looking at his plans. He was about to get upset, but then she offered support.
That is just so wrong, so wonderfully wrong.
— Cathenia (@yazminda12) September 2, 2017
He blurted out something about a series of fantasy novels he was planning, but it became obvious he was just restating the plot from “The Island of Doctor Moreau” with some bits from Loony Tunes mixed in. Strangely, it worked.
I don’t trust people who think before they answer.
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) October 1, 2017
From across the room, they heard a scream. They weren’t to believe what happened next.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
— Damon Hunzeker (@DamonHunzeker) July 6, 2015
They’d tried to tell Erica that was a mistake. Brad realized his attack Skorkie needed to be much bigger than either animal naturally was.
But can you pull off having a lemur ride on your shoulder like I can? Yeah. Didn’t think so.
— EricaTriesToTrick (@EricaWhoToYou) September 8, 2017
There was another witness to the attack. He seemed pleased.
I know autumn is near from the chill in the air, the scent on the wind & the scarecrow staring at me through my bedroom window. Please help
— Lara Frumperskull (@underalls) September 3, 2017
Brad and Phoebe, the coworker into the whole hybrid thing, decided to head to a coffee shop. The open office was becoming too dangerous an environment, and they needed to complete their plans. Plus, a friend was performing.
*tuning B string
This next one’s new, I call it, “Was That Restraining Order Really Necessary, Kim Dickens?”
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) September 3, 2017
Brad needed to make a pit stop before sitting down. He asked the barista where the facilities were.
Over the rainbow, through the woods, behind the third door on your left.
— laboxalaroxa (@laboxalaroxa) August 31, 2017
Things only got weirder from there, as he noticed someone pass by in the vent in the men’s room.
You’ll never see Bruce Willis on the road. He travels exclusively via heating ducts.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) September 7, 2017
There was also the fracas going on at the table next to them.
Laugh in the face of danger. Smile while rolling a guy for cash. Giggle when stealing a car. Cry while shoplifting. Be emotionally unstable.
— Sondra Dee (@SondraDeeMe) July 18, 2017
Phoebe asked if they wanted to get in on the ground floor of their multilevel Skorkie marketing plan. Sondra was skeptical, while Phoebe was insouciant.
Oh, like you’ve never claimed to be the ancient goddess creator of a desert biome before. Sure.
— Marly (@VerbsRProudest) September 24, 2017
And a multilevel marketing scheme was better than some alternatives.
My pickpocketing days are over, I’ve decided.
— Alpha Juliet (@hungary_eyes) September 21, 2017
A stranger, having overheard their plans, approached. He wanted in on the action.
Time to tell the truth. I am in fact three 11-yo badgers in a burberry coat. Prepare for the inevitable.
— Vincent Cacklemore (@ohthatbadger) November 10, 2016
While a good pyramid scheme requires multiple partners, they weren’t interested in that family of carnivoran mammals and wandered off after pretending to not hear him.
Good timing, I was just about to miss you
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) September 25, 2017
No matter, for another shark appeared and Vincent sprang into action.
Have a black-haired flamenco dancer with you at all times. You never know when an impromptu rendition of ‘Mr Jones’ could save a life.
— O D E T T E (@ODeadInside) September 26, 2017
Meanwhile, one of the baristas waxed philosophical, as his PhD required him to do.
I’ll only synergize my paradigm when the moment is right.
— J™ (@CommonSavant) September 26, 2017
Bob replied to this pronouncement as only he could.
The Shingles virus is already inside me. Watching…. Waiting….
— Böb Bööööööö b Jänke (@Bob_Janke) October 1, 2017
This piqued one of the customer’s interests.
you sound angry, that excites me.
— The Getaway Girl (@The_GetawayGirl) September 29, 2017
She offered even more flattery.
of course I’m not the girl your mother warned you about she is too stupid to see me as a threat
— Cora Munro (@CoraMunroBoat) September 22, 2017
Then came this shocking revelation.
[moment of embrace]
Him: I think I love you.
Me: *tazers him*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 13, 2017
Jenn, not Jenny, stepped over Bob and approached Brad and Phoebe about getting in on their pyramid scheme.
I can’t wait to use this full moon as an excuse for being an asshole.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) October 3, 2017
As she sat down, she noticed a laptop on the table next to her. At first she was concerned, then she was hungry.
Over on Facebook, your Aunt is sharing a missing persons post from 2016 for a guy that’s already been found. Followed by a cheese dip recipe
— Yep ok. Wait, what? (@YepWait) July 4, 2017
The trio discussed if a Skorkie was really the best option and if maybe there was more money to be made from a scheme involving a Skountain Lion.
Being eaten alive by a mountain lion*
Wow they are beautiful and majestic animals.
— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) October 2, 2017
Or maybe if they should use people instead of animals.
Being creepy is a gift.
— WickedlyWitchy K∀RL∀ (@karlainvt) September 21, 2017
Okay, we’re getting off-track here. Time to back up.
Tell me your rich backstory.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) September 29, 2017
This is where it all started.
For 2 moon cycles, I have been floating around the castle wearing a black velvet neck pillow in case my skull gets too heavy.
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) October 3, 2017
No, no, that’s not it. It was here.
I had all the ropes, trees, and bananas set up in my apiary and then this damn crate of bees showed up.
— juice vanzany (@jvanzand) October 1, 2017
There is definitely a plan at work here, I promise.
I’m resentful of any situation where preparation is necessary for success.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) September 10, 2017
The Knights Templar was founded by Sir John Cardigan who cared little about chivalry and in fact suffered from a matching sweaters fetish.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) October 3, 2017
Anyway, about the Skorkie Lion.
Choose your people, devotions, and actions carefully, as they could unknowingly be your last. You may not realize enemies lurk nearby.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) October 3, 2017
Too far or not too far enough? I think we know the answer here.
The farfetcher, the better.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) August 6, 2017
They began to wonder if they were trying to create an unholy beast that already existed.
Opossums are goth cats.
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) October 4, 2017
Or if their creation would invite hatred such as this.
Lately, my darkest fantasies involve slashing those giant swan floats.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) August 3, 2017
That’s when a voice came from the table next to them. Although curious about their plans, it had the tinge of “with all due respect” to it.
At what age do I start saying “bless your heart” when my friends do something nice for me?
— Anna Grace (@graceful_asfuck) September 18, 2017
The entire coffee shop stopped to watch this kid play with his blocks. They sensed he had something important to say.
It always made me giggle when my son was a baby and he would rearrange blocks from “A-B-C” to “Your souls are damned–HE is coming.”
— Meh, Interrupted (@TheAlexNevil) September 12, 2017
Everyone spilled out upon hearing his warning. The Skorkie Lion would have to wait as the trio pondered their mortality.
I want my tombstone to have a comments section
— million ants (@JermHimselfish) September 20, 2017
They piled into Brad’s car, wishing they already had an attack animal or maybe a really threatening club or something else. Others simply wanted a car.
Feels like a good day to run into oncoming traffic
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) September 14, 2017
Soon, they realized the folly of their hasty departure, but they were already driving so they decided to keep going. The coffee shop had proven to be more distracting than an open office plan anyway and their ideas had spiraled into complete nonsense. They needed to regroup and get serious about their pyramid scheme.
While Phoebe and Jenn looked out the windows, marveling at a magnificent quadruple rainbow, Brad checked the rearview mirror. What he saw left him with only one choice of action. He scowled and pressed his foot down, his road rage humming on all cylinders.
My habit of braking for tailgaters will doubtlessly get me killed one day, but at least I’ll die in a vindicated haze of spiteful delight.
— Myrrh (@ixix82) September 9, 2017