There was absolutely no reason for the aurora borealis to be present at this time, particularly in the southern portion of the northern hemisphere. Yet there it was, illuminating the night sky. The border guard was not properly appreciative and more focused on the figure approaching him, a suitcase in his right hand and a bag of grapefruit in his left, a dog walking beside him. It didn’t seem like he was going to stop.
The agent stepped from his shed, his drug-sniffing miniature poodles at his side, and stood in front of the man and the dog. He asked what was in the suitcase, his dogs barking. The man knelt and opened it. It was completely full of Lincoln Logs.
99 said nothing about his luggage. Instead he sang some tune about “teeny ballitos, muy muy pequeno.” Alan played a chiclets tambourine. He wished it were filled with frijoles; he could cook those after their set.
The guard shook his head and said, “Well, back in my day…,” but then the sound of music drowned him out. He handed 99 a poncho emblazoned with Jesus’ face and said, “Good luck.” 99 and Alan hopped into their Fiero and headed toward the source of the music. It was probably real.
You too can create edgy new dance moves by accidentally putting non dissolvable vitamins on your tongue
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) July 24, 2017
As he slid to a stop, he began to have second thoughts about this decision. Also, he noticed some eyeliner for men in the cup holder. What was that about?
I always remove the passenger seat in all my cars because I’m a lone wolf baby
— Böb El Diablo Jänke (@Bob_Janke) July 26, 2017
He finished his 180, pointing right back toward the border. The one he’d just narrowly crossed. It made no sense.
Things are getting murky in here.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) July 23, 2017
Nearby, meanwhile, a transaction wasn’t going down.
I moved 3 days ago & can’t find the box that has my underwear in it.
Homeless lady: aww sweetie, I’ll get a dollar from someone else then.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) July 18, 2017
99 paused, wondering if he should carry something other than a suitcase.
No matter how many briefcases I carry, people refuse to believe I’m an important businessman.
— Nacho, Cheese Wizard (@kickitupanacho) May 30, 2017
Though a suitcase is pretty cloying.
ME EXPLAINING TO A NEIGHBOR WHY HER WHIPPET WAS BITTEN BY AN ESCAPED ALBINO COBRA: So my lover, Striker, is an amateur herpetologist
— Lars Frumperstall (@underalls) July 6, 2017
But it does hold the fumes in.
I have come here to huff boat varnish and to create non sequiturs. And I’m all out of willowy body servants.
— Natty Lumpo (@nattylumpo88) July 7, 2017
Both driver’s side doors opened, the drivers emerging. There were questions to be answered and grapefruit to be eaten. First, though, they had a problem to solve.
Me: You have the kind of face a jury would convict.
Me: Can you hold this knife for a minute?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 10, 2017
Meanwhile, in another part of town.
The plumber just looked up from his phone and asked me how to spell “fate.”
— Damon Hunzeker (@DamonHunzeker) July 11, 2017
Another driver pondered the future.
someday. when birds can drive cars. I will get my revenge.
— bombsy (@bombsydoll) July 14, 2017
Dude, of course. Turn it up and let’s roll.
Sure I’ll make you a mixtape, I hope you like Lynyrd Skynyrd
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) July 22, 2017
On the other hand.
whatever the opposite of the eebie-jeebies is, I’ve got that
— Wilx Kivz (@LagunaBeachPOV) July 20, 2017
But on the other other hand.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) July 17, 2017
In any case, this should probably be crowdsourced.
Happy birthday. I got you this suggestion box. Please leave it on your porch in case your neighbors want to put anything in it.
— Anna Grace (@graceful_asfuck) July 26, 2017
The sky’s the limit.
Halfway through my argument with the man in the clouds (Ernesto) it occurs to me that I might be a little lonely.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) July 21, 2017
The time had come where the pleasantries were to be dispensed with; it was all brass tacks.
I’m looking for something in the mid-to-mildly excruciating range if you have it, my good man.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) July 15, 2017
First, though, a yarn.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) July 16, 2017
One featuring bowlegged women.
Watch “Jaws” with me. Count the times I grab you by the sleeve and squeal “this is my FAVORITE part.” This may not be fun for you.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) November 9, 2016
A minor character interrupted; she had a very methodical way of speaking.
Vanessa speaks in a way where you can’t help but picture the semicolons.
— Gret¢hen (@wokkax3) July 17, 2017
Sandoz took in her surroundings, with certainty.
I can tell so much about a person just by guessing.
— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) July 7, 2017
Whereas 99 was all about preparation.
have you packed your parachute for tonight yet?
— Seamus O’flaugherty (@seamussaid) July 8, 2017
Meanwhile, at another nearby location, a different transaction was similarly not going down.
No I will not take 75 cents instead of a dollar, these are VINTAGE Skechers ma’am
— The Salty Stylists (@TheSaltyStylist) July 15, 2017
99 sat at the bar, curious about what the fellow at the end was actually drinking.
If your whiskey looks cloudy I’m going to assume it’s tea.
— O’ live (@offbeatoliv) July 22, 2017
The smoldering ruins, much like the cloudy whiskey, didn’t help the joint’s draw.
Sorry I used your hand sanitizer to burn the place down.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) July 8, 2017
But was it the right thing to do? No, it wasn’t. Our trio was prepared to spend some money there.
I made a wise decision today.
Not really. I just wanted to see how it would feel to say that.
— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) July 2, 2017
So, 99 made a proclamation.
You want misguided? I’ll show you misguided.
— Crow Magnum (@distracted_monk) July 10, 2017
There may have been some elaboration involved.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) July 11, 2017
And inept would-be antagonists.
Jon Clamp woodsman, a fearless bear of a man who would’ve been legend if guns didn’t confuse him & he didn’t on occasion hold them backwards
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) July 12, 2017
This involved some legalities. Fortunately, they had some walking-around money.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) July 11, 2017
Not everyone was paying attention.
I want to be a train conductor for Halloween
— Bre Payton (@Bre_payton) July 24, 2017
Some were daydreaming.
I wish embarrassing accidents on sports mascots an awful lot for a supposedly decent human being.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 14, 2017
Others were sharing humdrum details of their lives.
the gas station near my place, if you guess the correct number of jellybeans in the jar you get to live in Geoff's basement for a year.
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) July 13, 2017
99 had a motto, same as the Boy Scouts: Be Prepared. That meant he always had an array of tools at his disposal.
Wasn't sure how to accessorise gladiator sandals for a night out, but I think I nailed it with this net and trident.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) July 9, 2017
While sipping his bourbon, he remembered he’d made a promise. There was no way he could keep it, so he had to think fast. What if he called on a friend?
Find that friend who responds with "I'm on my way," when you send them a message saying *kill me.*
— Kimtopher (@kimtopher22) July 23, 2017
Fortunately, he knew just the guy.
Murder can either be fun or profitable, but not both.
— Ironballs McGinty (@IronballsMcGinT) July 24, 2017
It's not that he didn’t want to do the job himself, he just had other plans.
rob car washes with me & we'll head out west
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) July 27, 2017
Not that they were risk-free.
More often than not I am the source of my problems.
— Miss Muse (@bevandeveire) July 26, 2017
The radio came on, which was ominous as they hadn’t turned it on. What they heard was … ominous?
And now a word from our sponsor...
*plays dial up modem noises for the next 24 hrs*
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) July 27, 2017
Sandoz requested something with more pep.
"Someone must have made a wish," I whisper as a single dandelion fluff gently floats down from the cosmos.
— taffy bennïngton (@singwithTaffy) June 30, 2017
The universe obliged.
Whenever someone asks "What time is it?" I always answer "Showtime." People love it.
— Mumsie (@MUMSIEesq) July 4, 2017
Well, it kind of obliged. It can’t bend time. I don’t think.
[wears a robe and brings a severed sheep's head to an 8th grade piano recital]
me: [removes hood, looks at phone] oh the ritual is NEXT week
— Some call me RZA (@jrza206) July 25, 2017
They passed a flatbed truck carrying a bunch of old tanning beds and dolls’ clothes. They wondered what that was all about.
You'd think my Etsy store featuring tanning beds refurbished into dining tables would run itself but no it takes work you guys
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) July 19, 2017
Then everyone looked at me, wondering what all this is all about.
I can understand your confusion but I didn't literally mean tell me everything that's been going on.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) July 21, 2017
I beg to differ. The road awaits and offers many destinations.
None of this makes sense...but, it'd be a lot cooler if it did, man.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) July 20, 2017
Get in and don’t bother looking for a seatbelt. There aren’t any.
No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.
— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) August 19, 2014
Off they went, heading west and robbing banks, Alan howling along with the radio along the way. The aurora borealis continued flickering in the sky, which was still odd. Maybe those vitamins hadn’t been vitamins, but “vitamins.” Sandoz’s birthplace was known for its dedication to better living through chemistry. Also, more colorful living through chemistry.
That’s when Alan spoke up and told them to stop being ridiculous and put on their masks. He was the bagman, replete with buns of steel and the requisite speed to flee the scene once the alarm was tripped.
99 cranked up “Jungle Love” as Sandoz and Alan handled the bank job. The teller handed over the sacks of cash and the dog gingerly took them from her. Bags between his teeth, he walked backwards, Sandoz opening the doors for him, his eyes scanning the scene. That’s when the teller called after him. It was puzzling, but he smiled nonetheless.
You might be pleasantly surprised at how happy I am that you're happy.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) July 27, 2017