The music plays, your palms getting sweatier as the number still standing dwindles lower and lower with each seating. The music stops and you scramble, seeking out the nearest seat.
There’s another vying for the same spot, but you are relentless, throwing an elbow and diving for the throne you shall temporarily claim as your own. Your vanquished foe slinks away, dejected and defeated.
Your jubilation is not to continue, though. For the music again begins to play and everyone stands, circling the chairs, knowing that again there is one more body than there is seat. As the tune abruptly stops, you again prevail, leaving but two of you standing.
Song fills the air. You circle quickly around the back, then slow as you stroll in front, eyes locked on your opponent. You’re enveloped by tense silence and you attempt to sit, but it’s not to be. No, today you shall remain standing, perhaps tall, but that doesn’t matter because the winner is sitting taller.
You just got served and there’s nothing you can do about it, except maybe wax philosophic.
Pardon my existential crisis but I take losing at musical chairs really fucking seriously.
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) January 29, 2017
Yeah, but where do you sit in your house?
I live in a glass house made from the conquered body of my enemy: the Kool-Aid man.
— Toasty (@XLToast) January 30, 2017
Maybe make the walls from stronger glass.
Me: I love when you whisper softly into my ear.
Him: *softly whispers, "how do you keep getting into my home?"*
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) January 31, 2017
As the Kool-Aid man says, “Ohhhh, yeahhhh!”
*receives death threat* FINALLY
— stabbatha christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 1, 2017
There’s a Fleetwood Mac song about this. “Go Your Own Way,” maybe?
I'm going to turn this life around starting tomorrow.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) January 31, 2017
This is also an effective way to blow off steam after losing at musical chairs.
ME: [tearing phone book in two]
STRANGER: He must be trying for world's strongest man
ME: NO ONE LIKES YOU, STUPID NUMBERS BOOK— mo (@chuuew) January 31, 2017
Maybe she was trying for the world’s strongest grandmother.
I've never been to a concert, unless you count that time I saw my neighbors grandma fight her dog for the couch cushion with her shirt off.
— ⓛⓐⓜⓔ ᗪᗩᗪ (@jergarl) January 26, 2017
On the plus side, no more minivan.
"Hi 'leaving you and taking the kids,' I'm Dad haha," I shout at the minivan backing out of the driveway, tears in my eyes.
— Kadyn the Wingman (@kadyngriffiths) January 14, 2017
So that’s why she left.
The wind blew off my rain bonnet this morning and now my perm looks like shit.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) January 13, 2017
If this happens, you may find yourself in the market for a new vehicle and a new stylist.
Get an inch from his face and ask him what's wrong.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) June 24, 2016
Tiger parenting gets a bad rap, but it’s the only way to make sure your little loved ones are remembered throughout history.
If my son doesn't turn out to be the next Al Capone, it's not for my lack of trying.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 31, 2017
What do they require in sacrifice, though?
I'm not superstitious or anything, but I do believe in goats.
— krispy (@krispythehuman) November 14, 2014
She also believes in goats.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
— Böb El Diablo Jänke (@Bob_Janke) June 6, 2015
At first I was skeptical, but I tried it and I’m sold. Granted I only tried it accidentally and because I was lunging for the last empty chair, but still.
I just tripped over a power cord and was filled with immense rage. I've never felt more alive
— Ella Fraser (@ella__fraser) January 31, 2017
How about you dare me to note that?
[during interview]
I respond well to dares. Note that.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) January 27, 2017
This is also going to be noted.
When animals lick each other it's bonding, but when I do it at work as part of a team building exercise it's all "inappropriate" & "call HR"
— Cam (@GinAndJif) February 2, 2017
Definitely going in the permanent record.
*job interview
HR: Can you name one of your strengths?
Me: Sure. I'll call it Giselle.— MakeAmericaMEHAgain (@TheAlexNevil) January 28, 2017
When you don’t keep good records, this happens.
Curiosity killed the cat.
Curiosity's parents ignored the warning signs.
Curiosity grew up to be a serial killer.
— SmashLanding (@SmashLanding) February 2, 2017
Surely this didn’t come without warning.
WIFE: It's either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won't you love Tom Honks— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) January 18, 2017
When only the most detailed and thoroughly annotated records will do.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I'm pretty sure I found my soul mate.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) January 31, 2017
Things could be worse. You could have a pet goose.
22yo me would really be disappointed in how many songs 42yo me likes at the grocery store
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 29, 2017
Savor the fact that you also don’t have Tom Honks.
I'm why I can't have nice things.
— Kimtopher (@kimtopher22) January 30, 2017
About not having nice things.
Listen lady with the obnoxious rose perfume, nobody likes you.
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) January 31, 2017
TL;DR
You guys and your fake lols smh you're the reason I have to say lolollllololol to indicate when I'm actually laughing
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) February 2, 2017
Please phrase this in the form of an acronym.
I'm bringing sexy yawning back.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) December 24, 2016
The most mythical creature known to the mall.
Sir, you taped an empty beer can to your forehead and ran through Forever 21 while yelling "I'm a Beernicorn!"
Me: Allegedly.
— KarateDonuts™️ (@KarateDonuts) January 31, 2017
When you’re heading into the ring, you have to wear the proper equipment.
I'll rap battle but you watch your fucken mouth about my faux fur speedo
— Hot Coughy (@uncle_fescue) January 31, 2017
This doesn’t even rhyme.
you can't fool me I know where you came from
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) January 29, 2017
You know what would go perfectly with this? A complete absence of chairs.
*constructs replica of airline departures gate in front yard to encourage stylish and permanent farewells*
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) January 27, 2017
Make sure you have six stout pallbearers. They all get chairs when they’re done. It would be wrong to make them fight to organ music.
I just want to buried with all my remaining loose change
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) December 13, 2016
Not me, that’s for sure. No competition for a place to sit plus it probably keeps people from lurking around while I’m trying to work.
You can usually tell upfront which intern is going to complain about getting the cubicle with the keening poltergeist.
— Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) January 27, 2017
It has the most legroom of any of them.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) May 10, 2016
“Thank you for inviting me over to enjoy some ‘fun and games.’”
[Rage-writes thank you notes]
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) January 27, 2017
The note then continued.
I don't burn, I detonate.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) January 21, 2017
On the other hand, if you actually want to send something they’ll appreciate, there’s this.
Random gift ideas corner:
Send socks.
People love getting socks.
No I'm serious. The funkier the better.— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) January 26, 2017
That’s what happens when you enjoy a few games of musical chairs.
Hearing your kids laughing together is a beautiful thing, until you realize it's conspiratorial laughter and they're plotting against you.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 30, 2017
Then allow me to teach you a little game.
My only problem with volunteer work is that it's not violent enough for me…
— Queen of the Damned (@Cpt_Burnout) January 17, 2017
This is no time for horseplay. Unicycles mean business.
This snooty couple is all mad that their midwife showed up on a unicycle and isn't actually a midwife. DO YOU WANNA HAVE THIS BABY OR NOT???
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) February 1, 2017
Worst family dog ever, though he did assist the midwife.
Having three mouths, you'd think Cerberus would use ONE of them to fetch the ball, but nope, It's always just more damned souls.
— THE Burger King (@ABurgerADay) May 25, 2016
Before family pets and midwives, though, you have to start here.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I'm pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) January 11, 2017
But can you walk in a circle while music plays?
Please don't ask me to explain myself. I'm not a rocket scientist.
— SHA Blah Blah (@theshantilly) February 2, 2017
And that’s when Cerberus sneaked up behind him.
*puts one foot in the grave to make sure it's warm enough*
— Caetano Bravo (@cbdoubleu) January 28, 2017
They really warm the grave up.
A crocheted coaster and a cardigan
— Trudacious (@Trudacious) January 31, 2017
Thither into that big hole in the ground?
*gives you a "go thither" look with my eyes.
— Minion (@miffedmim) January 28, 2017
He’s definitely getting a go thither look.
*walks up to stranger
Me: Can you take a picture of me?
Stranger: Sure, uh, you got your phone
Me: *leans in and whisper* with your phone
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) January 21, 2017
Once you have that time, you use it to claim the last chair.
I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.
— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) January 29, 2017
The music picks back up. Although a battle was lost, there is still the war. During the last encounter, your opening salvo was brilliant, but you faltered at the end. This time, as you circle the chairs, you know that you were raised for this. As poet warlord Sun Tzu said, “Move swift as the Wind and closely-formed as the Wood. Attack like the Fire and be still as the Mountain.”
son: mommy I wrote you a poem
me: [ripping it up] WE HAVE DISCUSSED THIS I DID NOT RAISE YOU TO BE LIKE THIS— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) November 30, 2016